To NEVER attend ANY funeral?

[TigerLilyMasie]

There have been quite a lot of funerals in recent years, mostly my DH family, lots of people and many of them in their 80's. I have never considered NOT going their funerals and have actually wanted to go to them because I have liked the person and want to show respect and be there for the families.

The problem is, the funerals are really affecting my mental health. I have had problems throughout my life with depression and suicidal thoughts. During the last 10 years it's not been as bad but I would occasionally get bouts where I could not leave the bed.

Because of various events including health scares and issues, my own and DH, I am struggling to maintain a balanced, positive approach to life. There is nothing seriously wrong with us but each time something comes up or there is another 'test' the fear of illness and the reminder of our own mortality rears its head.

I am finding the funerals are really pulling me down into a bleak, dark place. I cannot think of anything for weeks after apart from the service, the coffin, the cremation process etc. and imagining myself in that very same situation. I look at my body and think 'one day this will be ashes'. Same with my DH and other people, and even my cat!

Five years or so ago, death was something that seemed very far off in the future, but now I feel it's imminent all the time and it's affecting my life as it is destroying my impetus to do anything as 'there is no point' to it all.

As the memories of the funeral fade, I do start to feel better and my thoughts turn back to life rather than death. But another funeral is never far away and it's back on the same track again.

I do realise that most people do not like funerals but it doesn't seem that they affect them the way they affect me.

It seems to be just the service and the internment itself that gets to me - I think I would be fine just going to the reception afterwards, The problem is, if I say that to people it sounds a bit like 'I'm only here for the beer, mate!'

Can anyone relate and/or advise?

Nobody remembers who was/wasn’t at the church, particularly if they see your face at the wake afterwards. Look after yourself and do what feels comfortable. It would be polite (in the unlikely event anyone asks why you were absent) to say you had a hospital appointment or similar that could not be rescheduled.
As an aside, are you able to access counselling to talk through these issues?

It’s a tricky one, because I believe that people should be able to grieve however they choose. For some, that’s going to the funeral and saying goodbye, but for others they would prefer to say goodbye in their own way.

I personally find funerals cathartic, it’s upsetting during the ceremony and I shed a tear, but then I feel better at the end and it helps me grieve.

if they’re affecting your MH so drastically then you shouldn’t go. But do you think it would cause an issue with family members if you didn’t attend?

Personally I wouldn’t think much of it if someone turned up at the reception who wasn’t at the service.

Do you think it might be worth speaking to a professional?

Funerals are for the living not the dead. The dead don't care because they are, well dead. You are living and if it's negatively affecting you then don't go.

By the time I was 22 I had been to quite a few funerals. 3 of my friends died (various circumstances), also family members. It got to the point it was affecting me too, I stopped going, haven't regretted it.

Thanks, Annabk. I always think I can solve it on my own but I have had counselling on and off over the years. The problem is it's got to the point where I see the way I feel as 'reality' and just the way things are. I think 'if I get happy it will only crash down again because it's not real and happiness is not logical'. I think this is partly why I am resisting getting help.

Sounds like you could benefit from some counselling as that is definitely an extreme reaction to attending a funeral. I don't particularly like attending them myself as I find them very emotional and I always feel like a bit of a grief vulture if I find myself crying more than the family that has lost someone.

I think there are some funerals that you just have to attend and there are others that you don't and could always offer your condolences at some other time.

Death is a sad fact of life and comes to us all. We have to accept that we have very little control over when it happens to us or loved ones and just try and live for the moment and in the moment.

Therapy might help you to work out why funerals are triggering you so badly.

OP, the deceased person (and their relatives) would never have wanted you to risk a mental health relapse by attending their funeral.
If it’s affecting you like this, then obviously the funeral is not fulfilling any useful function for you, and it would be better not to go.
Funerals do vary, too. I’ve been to some lovely Christian ones, with the church overflowing with beautiful flowers from relatives’ gardens, where the atmosphere has been a celebration of the person, a giving thanks for their life, and commending them to the loving hands of God until we are reunited with them.
It’s a great comfort to be reminded that death is not the end, merely the beginning of the next stage. That our souls are immortal, and our bodies just temporary shells that we discard.
Funerals are intended to mark this passing, to allow the family to mourn, to pay respects, and to draw together in mutual comfort. If they fail in all these functions for you, then they don’t sound very well conducted, and you’d be well advised to skip them.
You can always send a thoughtful letter of condolence instead, and offer your help afterwards to the bereaved.
Finally, as a PP suggested, a chance to talk through your fear of death, with a church minister or a counsellor, might be beneficial for you. Don’t feel bad about whatever choices you make regarding funeral attendance, though- guilt only fuels depression. God bless.

If they made you feel like you do I wouldn’t go. Instead send a nice card a day or two later (in addition to any sympathy card you have sent previously) saying how sorry you were that you couldn’t attend, that you had been thinking of them and that X had told you it was a lovely service with beautiful hymns/lovely flowers/touching eulogy etc.