difficult funeral situation. WWYD?

[haudyer]

My grandmother, who was very dear to me passed away today, after a long hospital stay. It was expected but I'm crushed, tbh.

Family dynamics are awkward at best. DGM had four children, one who stole from her in recent years, and another -my parent- who hasn't been in touch for around 15 years, with one short exception that I know of.

The remaining two children are organising the funeral, and have set a day, but haven't been in touch to let me know - a different relative has confirmed the date. I'm afraid they aren't telling me as they don't want their sibling attending. Said sibling, my parent, indicated that they intend to go, despite the long estranged relationship.

I'm afraid it will all kick off at the funeral, which is last thing DGM would have wanted.

If it kicks off, and even if it doesn't, my parent will expect my support. I'm not sure I have it to give. What on earth do I do? I am sick with worry.

It’s hard because we don’t know the people involved or reasons for the estrangement but if I were you I’d stay out of it as much as possible. Be supportive to both sides but do not get involved because it will always be remembered. Stick to it and refuse to take sides or discuss it

You were close to your grandmother, you want to mourn her, and you have a right to do so, at her funeral.
You are a person in your own right. You are not just an adjunct to the squabbling siblings. Do not perpetuate this by "supporting" any of them.
Just go to the funeral, and say goodbye to your grandmother. Sit at the back by yourself if you need to, or take someone to support you. If your mother didn't see gran for 15 years, then she can't really expect this to be all about her.
Don't go with her, make some excuse why you will see her there. If things get difficult between your mother and her siblings, it's not your job to sort it out. Their relationship will have it's own dynamic, irrespective of whatever you do.
If you feel you shpuld, you can tell your mother when the funeral is, but tell her upfront that you want no part in any bad feeling in the day, and that you will not get involved. Clarify that you want to maintain a relationship with your aunts/ uncles and that you will be there to mourn your gran.
It's a pretty poor show that you should have to be worrying about histrionic s at the funeral .
Sorry for your loss.

Make sure you hang out with the less volatile relatives. You are not responsible for the behaviour of others. Try not to get involved.

Just go. It might be a chance for people to clear the air. Funerals can be quite cathartic sometimes. The service itself is likely to be quick and calm, and then if there is trouble at the reception you can just disappear.

Sorry just realized I assumed the parent is your mother, when it might not be. Advice still stands though. Tell them you are not getting involved.

To be honest, I probably wouldn't go. Your GM would want to protect you from this......

Sorry for your loss

I doubt they have set the day today if she only passed today. The funeral directors will have to book with various people first. I'm sure they will let you know. Just go to the funeral and pay your respects. It's up to the others how they behave. Just be respectful to all parties

My mum expressly stated before she died that a certain sister of my dads was not welcome. She wanted to go, was told no, and her kids kicked off at my dad over text, literally the day after his wife died, it was bloody awful. But they respected it was my mums choice and didnt show.
Good job too, when my dads mum passed, said sister got in to an actual fist fight with another sibling at the meeting to arrange the funeral in front of their dad who just lost his wife.

If it kicks off, and even if it doesn't, my parent will expect my support. I'm not sure I have it to give. What on earth do I do? I am sick with worry.

You don't give the support. You tell your mum/dad in advance that's what will happen if they kick off.

Why does that make you feel sick? What is the hold over you?