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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have not called police to report ex bil

10 replies

Ceci03 · 10/07/2019 22:55

Sorry - triggering - violence to a child. Looking for some opinions really, last night I had a long convo with my dd age 15. We were talking about her dads family as she and ds had spent one night with him. They hardly go any more, neither of them want to stay over. He lives with a younger brother and their mother. Anyway we were talking about ex's other brother who she doesn't like, and I reminded her of the time he had hit his son who was only about 3 or 4 at the time. And he hit him so hard on the back that the child vomited. I wasn't there but heard about it. I was with ex at the time. Dd started crying and sobbing and saying how could I have done or said nothing at the time, we're talking at least 12 years ago actually maybe nearer 15 years. I said I only heard it from ex and that his sil had told him about it and hsd excused her husband saying that he didn't know his own strength and didn't mean it, I never saw any violence with my own eyes, they both seemed very loving to their kids and are/were very devoted to family life. I suppose I was taken aback as it never occurred to me to go to the police. I did say if I was his wife I might leave someone who did that. But I never challenged or confronted ex brother in law as tbh I was scared of him, he is a bully to people he doesn't like or who stand up to him. Dd sobbed for about an hour about how could I have left the child in an abusive home. I got upset too thinking I had let him down. Dd said if it happened now would I report to the police, I don't know is the honest answer, Dd is very "disappointed in me

OP posts:
lyralalala · 10/07/2019 22:58

Why do you not know if you would report now if it happened again?

Also, your daughter is probably wondering if you’d report it if it happened to her

justasking111 · 10/07/2019 23:01

You were scared of him. How do you think the four year old felt?

Ceci03 · 10/07/2019 23:02

I guess I would report it if it happened now. I hope I would be grave enough. Can't explain what a bully this man is and the whole family.

OP posts:
MRex · 10/07/2019 23:02

Sometimes we make mistakes, you made a big mistake here because it wasn't your place to decide if that child was safe or not. You could have reported him to police, to social services, to childline. They could have decided if the boy was safe or not. How hard would a "hit" be to make a chuld vomit, surely that's from causing concussion? So he was at immense risk. Yes, of course you should have reported it and should tell your DD that you understand why it was a mistake.

Ceci03 · 10/07/2019 23:04

I suppose I didn't want to upset his wife I was friendly with her. I know though. I hate myself for being so weak. And I suppose ex-dh kept saying I was over reacting etc

OP posts:
Ceci03 · 10/07/2019 23:06

Yeah I let the kid down. Everyone knew about it. But I should have taken responsibility.

OP posts:
milksoffagain · 10/07/2019 23:45

Yes, perhaps OP 'should' have reported it but she wasn't there to witness it first hand. Surely others should bear more responsibility than her and they 'should' have reported it. If her exDP had done so it would have been dealt with long before OP even heard about it. Why is she getting such a hard time?

altogirl · 10/07/2019 23:56

Has anything happened with your DD and this BIL? I only ask because sobbing for an hour over something that happened fifteen years ago to someone else seems a bit excessive. It makes me wonder if something has happened to her and she's finding it difficult to tell you?

MRex · 11/07/2019 08:13

@milksoffagain - I think we'd can safely assume that the ex was not a good man. Just because others didn't report it doesn't make it ok for OP not to.

Are you in touch with the young man now @Ceci03?

BarbariansMum · 11/07/2019 08:45

Reporting /not reporting hearsay is very different from reporting something you actually witnessed.

I hit my youngest on the back so hard he vomited - he was choking at the time.

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