Blended families break-up

[NC4Today]

NC for this - I've been reading here about step/ blended families and reflected what happened to me some years ago - I'm older now.

I grew up with step-dad from age seven to 12 - living in the same address. (I've never met my bio father). I was involved in step-dads family: spending time with step-cousins, visiting step-grandma regularly (she lived nearby) and so on.

Then one day when I was 12, I came home from school. Step-dad had packed his stuff and was leaving - this was last I spoke to him. I never got to say goodbye or anything to (step-)grandmother or cousins... My mum had his new partner coming in literally the next week after as well (I never got on well with him, he's no longer with her). AIBU to think this isn't normal way to finish step-families? We never talked with DM about all of this, we are not very close.

I think it probably is more common than you think.

He had no legal rights to see you, other family members (step or otherwise) have no rights whatsoever, your DM was quite probably having an affair. You SF may very well have been 'banned' from seeing you. your DM may well have wanted to create a new happy family dynamic.

You are only going to get answers by talking to your DM, or finding your SF.

How much time has gone by?

I don't want to identify myself but quite a lot time has gone by, I'm grown up now. I'm also in happy long-term relationship, whereas DM is alone and lonely, but I feel she has nothing but herself to blame (karma and all that).

thanks for the feedback - I appreciate different POV

My DBro had many relationships, but one long term one had two step children, who were treated as though they were family children. I don't remember seeing my SIL much after she threw by DBro out, only when she wanted money from my M&D. I certainly don't remember seeing either of the children (who were only a few years younger than me) . I remember my parents being quite upset, they had invested 12 years of emotional energy into the children, but I guess they felt it was best to let it slide.

Something similar happened to me. YANBU. It’s awful.

One of the threads in AIBU at the moment is “what makes a great mum”. Personally I think it should say “parent”, but I think the willingness not to make kids transition abruptly in and out of relationships is up there.

It's awful for a child for people to just stop (or be stopped) out of their life in that way. Children have so little control and in seeking meaning are likely to blame themselves. Adults cannot control every outcome, but trying to maintain a friendship or contact I wish was considered the social norm.

This happened to my step children- they called me mum for years as their birthmum abandoned them. When I split with their Dad I tried to maintain contact between all the children (I had my own children the same age) but the minute he got a girlfriend he stopped it. I feel bad for the children, one minute they were brothers and sister and the next minute he just stopped facilitating them ever seeing each other.

This is exactly why step elders shouldn’t get to invested. The relationship could break down at any moment and poof gone.

To be honest even non blended if me and dh divorced I’d never see the inlaws again or the nephews/nieces. My children would via their father but myself nope.