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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re toddler leaving wedding

26 replies

Wickerchild · 10/07/2019 16:33

I’m a bridesmaid at a wedding soon and my just turned 3 DD is the flower girl, and the only child allowed at the wedding. By coincidence my parents live very close to the venue and I arranged for them to come to the car park at 7pm to pick her up and take her back to theirs for bed. Dp and I will then get a taxi back to theirs whenever the reception ends and the bride doesn’t need me anymore. Probably about midnight I’m guessing but we don’t have a time limit.

I’ve just mentioned this to the bride and she seemed a bit annoyed about dd leaving at 7 and I’m confused.. is that too early? Too late? The group photos and sit down meal will be long over by then and the evening reception will be starting at 7.30. Dd gets very tired and prone to tantrums if she’s up much past 7 so I thought it’d be good to get her away by then. Have I made a faux pas somehow? I’m confused!

OP posts:
EAIOU · 10/07/2019 16:38

I think keeping a 3 year old up past her bedtime and usual way of going for the sake of appearances is unfair.

You're absolutely right to drop her off to a place of comfort and settling as it will be a lot for a little girl to take in. Plus there's all the photos to be taken and this may wear her out also.

Just explain again that she gets tired and frustrated and that she needs a good sleep as she wont get much opportunity for a nap.

Weezol · 10/07/2019 16:40

Ignore her. She'll have forgotten all about it by the day of the wedding and won't notice when DD goes home unless you draw attention to yourselves.

Far better for all concerned that DD heads off at 7. I'm guessing your friend has zero experienced of an over stimulated yet exhausted three year old!

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 10/07/2019 16:41

You are doing the best thing imo, she'll be there for up the important bits, then you and your DP get to have some adult fun and let your hair down, best of both worlds.

Does the bride not have any other friends or close relatives with kids to see how they are in real life with no sleep?

dreichhighlands · 10/07/2019 16:42

You are so right OP, does the bride to be have much experience of tired toddlers?
I would just ask the bride what she expecting, if she thought that your dc would stay then you can just share your experiences if your dc when tired.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/07/2019 16:44

YANBU; she is. Well, unless she fancies having a tired, screaming child annoying everyone...

You're doing the right thing. Your plan sounds great. I'm assuming she doesn't have kids...

AuntieStella · 10/07/2019 16:44

Your plan sounds very sensible.

Would you be able to ask her reaction? Better than guessing - and of course it might not have been annoyance at all.

AyBeeCee10 · 10/07/2019 16:45

Yanbu. She doesnt have kids does she? You are doing the best thing for your DS, why does it bother her so much

MRex · 10/07/2019 16:46

I'm stumped. Surely everyone expects a 3 year old to go to bed, so I've no idea what she expected. Maybe ask her? "You seemed a bit confused about me having DD picked up at 7pm, is everything ok with that plan?". If she says she wants the toddler later then explain about tantrums, if she says earlier then I guess try for earlier. Oh wait, was she expecting DD to be collected after the service and photos, before the wedding breakfast?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 10/07/2019 16:48

That's what others have done at weddings I've been to. They are likely to be overwhelmed and tired anyway

Lllot5 · 10/07/2019 16:49

Well without knowing if the bride thinks this is too early or too late it’s difficult to say. Just ask her I guess.

MyOpinionIsValid · 10/07/2019 16:50

I’m a bridesmaid at a wedding soon and my just turned 3 DD is the flower girl, and the only child allowed at the wedding.

TBH, I wouldn't have my child wheeled out for a photo opportunity to make the wedding shots look prettier, cuter, better. Child free wedding, leave the child at home, all day.

Expressedways · 10/07/2019 16:51

What time is the ceremony? Is she expecting your DD to leave much earlier? I can’t imagine anyone in their right mind, even if they know next to nothing about children, would want an overtired 3YO staying up late. She sounds like a good friend so just ask her.

brainfrying · 10/07/2019 16:52

I'm guessing the bride doesn't have children?. YANBU

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 10/07/2019 16:58

My ds left at 9pm with grandparents at my own wedding..the party really started after then! Wink

Original poster
Wickerchild · 10/07/2019 16:58

Yeah she doesn’t have children! I’ll speak to her about it, she might just be generally stressed with the wedding. Glad I’ve not done anything obviously rude anyway!

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 10/07/2019 16:59

She's thinking of your child as a prop or decoration for the wedding, so a bit miffed that it's being removed before the show is over.

Ignore. She'll never notice when your DD gets picked up.

Original poster
Wickerchild · 10/07/2019 16:59

She’s definitely expected to be at the wedding breakfast as the bride sent me a picture of her table place card thing

OP posts:
avacadooo · 10/07/2019 17:03

Could the bride be thinking that you're also going at 7? Maybe she's misunderstood and that's why she's upset?

beckywiththecraphair · 10/07/2019 17:23

Just don't mention it again and continue on with what you have planned. The Bride will have enough to think about on the day that she won't even notice when your DD goes home.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 10/07/2019 17:24

Maybe she is annoyed at the idea of your parents appearing?
I can't think of any other possible reason!

Lindy2 · 10/07/2019 17:26

It sounds like the perfect arrangement actually.
I'm assuming the bride doesn't have children yet.
Stick to your plans and have a great time.

bridgetreilly · 10/07/2019 17:28

Honestly, don't speak to her about it. Just leave the arrangements as they are and let the bride find other things to worry about.

stucknoue · 10/07/2019 17:31

Seems a good compromise though perhaps the bride just hoped she would stay and dance - nothing cuter than a 3 year old dancing! We always let ours sleep under the table at that age but we had no willing relatives

Bourbonbiccy · 10/07/2019 17:35

I think it sounds perfect.
What would she actually be expecting your 3 year old daughter to be doing after 7pm. She would be the only child there, so really she would be overtired and wanting to be with you and not a happy girl, by all accounts.

Or she could be with Nana and grandad, all snuggy and happy. And you and hubby can enjoy a bit of the evening do.

No brainier, you are doing the right thing, I wouldn't bring it up with the bride again and just slip daughter off at 7. If the bride brings it up again just reiterate she will just be crying and throwing a tantrum and spoiling the evening.

Apolloanddaphne · 10/07/2019 18:01

I too think she mistakenly thinks you and your DH are leaving at 7 with your DD. Just leave your plans in place. She will never notice your DD has gone on the day.