Help me to help myself...

[Heymummee]

Help me to help myself

Background - I work compressed hours over 4 days meaning I leave the house at 7:20 and I’m not back until about 6:15.

I have a very busy job, nothing physical, just mentally demanding.

I have DS1, who is 11, and DS2 who is 19 months. Also DP who works full time Monday-Friday.

I have a constant feeling of guilt that I’m not doing enough - my house isn’t clean enough, there’s loads of decluttering to do, not to mention the day to day cooking, laundry, spending time with the kids and making sure stuff just gets done. Outside help isn’t an option unfortunately. With nursery to pay for we have very little spare money. My head is constantly spinning with thoughts of stuff that needs doing. I can’t relax if things aren’t done.

Today is my non working day. I refuse to call it a day off - I have laundry to do, could do with cleaning the bathrooms and hoovering, also need to do food shopping and all the while entertain DS2 who stays home with me on Wednesdays.

Not quite sure what I’m asking, but I get told constantly I shouldn’t put so much pressure on myself, need to relax and if Wednesdays are spent just playing with DS and sod everything else then so be it.

I can’t help but feel terribly guilty. Guilty about not spending time with the kids if I’m cleaning, guilty about not cleaning if I’m spending time with the kids and don’t even get me started on time to myself - other than an hour in the evenings I have no time alone.

Has anyone else felt like this in the past? I feel as though I’m flying by the seat of my pants 24/7 and don’t want to feel this way anymore.

So I suppose my question is, is it normal to feel this amount of pressure? What do you do to be kind to yourself? How can I organise the household chores in a way that’s more manageable for everyone? Do I just need to lower my standards and stop striving for something unattainable and accept that with 2 kids and working full time this is the way it is? Am I a maniac?!

Lots of i and me in your post OP. Where is your DP in all this? Does he feel any of the guilt that you do? What does he contribute in terms of housework, cooking,shopping and spending time with the kids? You both essentially work FT so this should all be shared 50/50

Thanks for replying. You’re right.
He’s great with the kids, but house stuff not so much.
If I ask him to do something he will, but that’s the issue - it’s then me telling him it DS1 to do things rather than it just being common sense - things like putting dirty clothes in the laundry baskets, emptying the bins, emptying the dishwasher or offering to cook every once in a while.

It’s the mental load, it’s exhausting. I just don’t buy the whole idea of “men needing instructions” - just get on with it!!!

I was chatting to MIL about it last night and she said just stop doing stuff, he will soon have to pull his finger out.

The problem is I can’t stand the mess and chaos. It gets to me. I’d love to be able just to let it go but I can’t.

You need a plan. Get it all out of your head and onto paper (or phone)
It makes a big difference when you free up head space.
Do you meal plan? If not, start that then organise your shopping. Get your dh on board with the meal plan so he can do it some days.
Have a list of chores and get dh and older child to do their share. Pin it up on the fridge so you can just check it.

Start selling some of your clutter to get a bit of extra cash if you can be bothered otherwise charity shop or bin it. Don’t think you need to do it in one go. Spend 20 mins a day on your days at home and you’ll be surprised how much gets done.
Sometimes I just go around the room and just get rid of 7 things from each room. I’m not sure where I heard that but it does work.

I find you need to be organised to enjoy your free time!

Brilliant tips thank you. I do meal plan.

I have a blank timetable that I printed already so today I’m going to fill that out, one for meals and one for daily/weekly jobs.

You’re right about spending a small amount of time per day sorting. I think I get so overwhelmed by it by thinking it needs to be done and it needs to be done now, but if I make a plan and even just do 10 minutes a day it will all be sorted in no time at all. I have some nice baby things I plan to sell and the rest can go to charity.

Thank you it sounds so much more manageable hearing it from someone else.

I feel like I could have written parts of your post myself. I have one DC (1 year), work compressed hours with a DH who is a very good dad but doesn't seem to notice when things need doing around the house in terms of cleaning/decluttering/general life admin.

I feel a lot of guilt if I haven't done x amount of things on my non-working day (cleaning, getting dinner done, etc) but then also more guilt if I have been quietly hoping DC naps for a good long while so I can get those things done. It's difficult not to feel that I'm somehow failing my DC because I'm trying to get stuff done in the house when I feel I should be spending quality time with her.

One thing that has helped has been accepting that some days I may only get certain things done at home and that's okay if it's meant I can spend a bit of time with my DC instead, reading to her or going out somewhere together. I try and get to work earlier so I can leave earlier and still do my hours but also get home to see my DC before she goes to bed. Speaking to my DH has helped so he recognises when I get stressed. I've found if I leave it to him to realise when something needs doing (food shopping, hoovering, etc) it just doesn't happen, so instead I ask him to do certain things. He's a fully grown adult and shouldn't need telling, I realise that, but for now this works so I feel a bit less anxious about things mounting up when I'm at work.

It’s tough isn’t it?

I just always feel like I’m not a proper grown up and everyone else seems to find things so much easier. They have immaculate houses and somehow manage to have immaculate children on days out and still have lives of their own too.

I hate having to ask for help, but I suppose I need to accept it’s not “help”, it’s everyone contributing to the house they live in. It’s not my responsibility.

I could have written your post. In my case I work 5 days a week as does my dh. I actually earn a lot more than him. He does the drop offs and pick ups and on occasions has him when I work late or am travelling. Apart from the bins I do everything else and like you have a huge mental list. I feel on high alert all the time. I never feel I can sit down and relax. I have tried asking dh to do more but he just doesn't see mess or realise all that I do. I try and put one thing in my phone a day to do. So for me today its hoovering and paperwork filing. It's easy to say get my husband to do more but his mum had always done everything and as he has anxiety I feel it's hard to push him to do more.

It’s very difficult isn’t it.

I hate how even in this day and age it’s expected in so many homes for the woman to be the one doing everything and holding down a job.

I’m the breadwinner too. I’ve cracked on with the chores list for the week and I’ll let DS and DP decide which ones they want to do.

He’s going on a stag do tomorrow until Sunday, rather than feeling dread at being on my own that whole time working and looking after the kids I’m actually looking forward to it. I’ll miss him, but I think a lot of the pressure I feel is down to him being so messy but also “expecting” dinner every night and for the house to be tidy. He grew up with his mum doing everything and that seems to have translated into me now doing everything.