To ask how to manage this situation (xh related)

[Dhalandchips]

The marriage was an abusive one, controlling/gaslighting/erosion of my personality etc. I'm in a brilliant place now (mostly) but I really don't want anything to do with him. All communications regarding the DCs are done via email or text. We've been invited to a mutual friend's party. I'm not bothered about going, but the kids have been invited and they'd like to go. It's on my weekend with them. DS has said I need to grow up because I have said I'd rather not go. This really isn't about the party, it's about how I explain to 11&12 yo DCs that their dad was a utter twat to me ( he was unkind to them too, but they don't remember, so don't want to remind them) and I don't ever want anything more to do with him! I can't tell them that but I don't know how to
explain how I feel without saying their dad's a twat! Any ideas please?

I'd gently talk to them about how it can feel "awkward" for all parties when people from a previous relationship are in the same room. I'd do so without going into the reasons for the break up. Children are often emotionally more intelligent than they are given credit for.

Your kid told you to"grow up?!!!!" What in the world?

He was a bit tongue in cheek, but it set me thinking. They love their dad, it's not my place to point out the truth!

Could your ex pick them up and take them?

It’s only a joke if everyone’s laughing and your DC are old enough to understand that you and ex aren’t friends and you don’t choose to spend time together.

Even though it's your weekend I'd be happy to let the ex take them, that way everyone is happy.

He's the kind of person who makes out like he's doing me a favour by having them EOW! I made the mistake of actually asking him to have sick DS one day wjole I worked and you'd seriously think he's a bloody Saint, bending over backwards because he'd 'looked after' him for a day. In fact, he had his new girlfriend over and they practically ignored him all day. Poor lad was starving when I picked him up as he'd 'forgotten' to feed him. As a consequence, I don't ask home foe any more 'favours'. He sees them EOW and odd days in the holidays. But definitely nothing ad hoc. So I'm not going to ask him to take them because I'll never hear the end of it. But as I said)(sorry, rambling) it's not really about the party, it's about telling him I don't want to be anywhere near his knobjockey of a father. Without saying that, obvs!

Apologies for sausage finger errors

I'll think of something for the party (lots of friends going)

Ask friends to take them to the party.

Explain to them that you and their dad both love them but as you’re not together anymore you don’t go to parties together.

without going into it could you jsut explain how mum and dad had a sad divorce.so it can get upsetting to go and be around them and you want everyone to have a good time and it would be awkward and sad and strange to be there for yourself but for others too who might feel divided.

have you got a family member or friend who could infront of them ask you to do something as a favour that day.then you could say ok but the kids can still go the party.

@kate that's a good idea, I've lost a few friends on the way because they've chosen to stay friends with him but not me, so I don't really want to see them either! Thanks everyone for your thoughts... I'll do some thinking