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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strangers trying to touch newborns

29 replies

Slicedpineapple · 09/07/2019 18:02

I was in a shop today and the cashier asked me how old DD is. She then walked round from the till, kissed her own hand, and went to touch DDs face. I stopped her and said 'sorry but I'm one of those people'. She replied 'Oh, I just wanted to say welcome to the world'. I then just smiled and made other small talk about something else, whilst inwardly thinking 'you can say that without touching her!'

Why do people do this? I have never met this person before, I do not know if she is the cleanest person in the world or if she is ill, and frankly, I don't touch strangers so don't know why they would try to touch my baby. Can you imagine of I kissed my hand and tried to 'put' it on the cheek of an adult or child that I did not know? DD is still little so has not had her vaccinations yet either.

A mum stopped me outside the shop and said how proud she was of me for having the courage to stop her, which I really appreciated. I have not had to actual stop somebody's hand yet and body blocked instead.

AIBU that this is an absolutely huge pet hate of mine and I am slightly on the alert whenever an older person is asking me about DD as it always seems to be them that does it

OP posts:
Elliesmommy · 09/07/2019 18:08

For me I love when people admire my babies. Dont honestly mind anyone touching them or kissing their hands however kissing on the lips or face no just because of horror stories I have read about coldsores. If it's the germs aspect - they do have to be exposed to germs at some stage.

BarbariansMum · 09/07/2019 18:12

It's your baby, you can do as you please with it. In the UK you'll probably do quite well as people are fairly anti child here. Personally I prefer cultures where the arrival of a baby is celebrated felt and am very glad that many people don't share this germ phobia thing and were happy to interact with my babies.

Maybe you or your baby should wear a "Leave me alone" badge? Perhaps in conjunction w a sling?

GleefulGlitch · 09/07/2019 18:14

Babies bring out love in people. They are small and precious and you want to touch them because of it. Mostly it is kindness.

Outside of MN the majority of the population do not consider the herpes virus/autonomy/my god you are a stranger stop touching the most precious thing in my life Grin

You were not wrong to say no OP and you were kind about it by making it "your issue" iyswim.

I have twins so this kind of thing happened whenever I left the house. After a while I was too stressed out so I just kind of gave up and realised human contact is not a bad thing apart from the very sweet but very unclean old man that tried to put a pound coin in their fat grabby hand. I told him to stop as they both had DV had their nappies were full!

Original poster
Slicedpineapple · 09/07/2019 18:16

I'm happy to wear a leave me alone badge whilst she is unable to speak for herself, if it means strangers don't just come and start touching her face. It's lovely that people think she is sweet but I just don't get it. If I thought somebody's hair looked nice and proceeded to stroke it, I'd be branded a lunatic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slicedpineapple · 09/07/2019 18:28

Thanks Gleeful, I'll never make the other person feel like it is about them as it literally is my problem. The DV thing made me chuckle! I may eventually get sick of stopping people but for the moment whilst she is so dinky, I'm just not fan of the touching, obviously people can admire from afar etc

OP posts:
GleefulGlitch · 09/07/2019 18:58

OP by the time they are a snotty tantrumming screaming in the aisles of Tesco 3 yo nobody want to come near the little darlings!

Its a good thing that most of the population see babies as precious awww little things as thats a part if our evolution. However it does go hand in hand with folk overstepping boundaries not out of malice or rudeness m8nd its just the awww factor.

My neighbours is 87 and she adores babies. She aches for the time her own were little so many years ago. Her GC are in their 20s now. She said she feels happiest when she is around youth. When she experiences it first hand she is drawn to the next generation.

Doesn't sound so germ ridden icky given her reasons but at the same time boundaries matter.

BarbariansMum · 09/07/2019 19:04

And don't worry, she doesn't need to be able to speak to show you/others if she doesn't like something. She'll let you know loud and clear in a few weeks.

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 09/07/2019 19:10

Look and coo by all means but I think touching is very intrusive, esp from a stranger. I wouldn't do it and wouldn't like it done to my tiny baby, either.

Imicola · 09/07/2019 19:16

I'm also not a fan of the touching, not so much for the germs aspect, just because it is a bit weird. And it is especially weird when they stop to talk to and touch baby without even bothering to even look at me!

Cherrysoup · 09/07/2019 19:19

As a cashier, handling hundreds of items, some may have been handled multiple times or been on the floor, plus I bet the till would throw up faecal matter if tested, much like the McDonalds screens, no, I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my baby. When did she last wash her hands?

cloudyinjune · 09/07/2019 19:24

I hate this.
I come from a country where it is so common to touch, kiss, etc.
Guess what? I hated it as a child. I live here now where it almost never happens but if it does I would not let them touch my baby.
Why? Why would you touch a stranger?
There are a million things you can do to be nice to others.

pigsDOfly · 09/07/2019 19:39

It's perfectly possible to 'say hello' to a tiny baby without touching it.

My neighbour gave birth not long ago and each time I've met her out with the baby I've managed to have a little chat with the baby without having to touch it.

And as for kissing your hand and putting on the baby's face, why on earth would something think that was acceptable?

I'm 70 years old, do I come into your 'older person' category OP? I don't tend to take much notice of strangers' babies tbh. We're not all grubby old things randomly slobbering over other people's babies every chance we get.

Bibijayne · 09/07/2019 19:45

I don't like people diving in. I don't mind cuddles/ touches but then our DS love people and now goes in to try and get hugs himself.

But I think it's weird to touch/ kiss a stranger's baby without asking.

We've been fortunate, most people ask/ are offered.

NoParticularPattern · 09/07/2019 19:47

I’ve never understood this thing about people touching newborns/pregnant stomachs etc etc. It’s weird. It’s perfectly fine to want to welcome a baby into the world or to refer to the bump or baby somehow, but there really isn’t any need to touch them. I find it really strange how whenever there’s a baby involved you’re just supposed to get on with whatever people decide to do?! Like you say, if you liked someone’s hair or jacket and started touching them and telling them you’d probably be arrested. But stick a baby in the mix and apparently it’s ok? It’s not even about germs or cleanliness or even those horror stories about cold sores etc, it’s just boundaries. And I’ll never understand why they don’t apply when there’s a baby involved!! And don’t even get me started on the “oh you're tiny/huge/etc” comments. You wouldn’t say it (or at least I’d hope you wouldn’t!!) to someone who isn’t pregnant so why does having a baby in the mix make it ok?! Did I miss the memo that explained how as soon as you get yourself up the duff you are now public property and so is your child for the foreseeable?

GleefulGlitch · 09/07/2019 19:52

We're not all grubby old things randomly slobbering over other people's babies every chance we get.

To be fair the OP never said that.

I personally find the older generation more tactile with babies.
I tend to find its the generation/class that treated all the street kids as their own. One mouth that needs washing or feeding is just an extra mouth is not a bad thing.

Maybe our clued up generation can learn a few things from the last? Yes lots was harmful and we would not do it now but my god we made it didn't we?

BlankTimes · 09/07/2019 19:53

Dont honestly mind anyone touching them or kissing their hands however kissing on the lips or face no just because of horror stories I have read about coldsores.

If someone with a coldsore kisses your baby's hand, your baby will put its own hand in its mouth, complete with the coldsore germs.

Beebeezed · 09/07/2019 20:02

YANBU!! My friend was walking down a busy high street the other day and a lady walking past stroked her babies face and tugged her ear! My friend followed her and explained why that is inappropriate which I don’t think I’d have had the guts to do but hope I would!

Kanga83 · 09/07/2019 20:14

Having had my first child on life support at a few weeks old from bronchiolitis I too am one of these mums. I always block the way/move pram/now they are both older (3 and 6) I firmly say 'no don't touch them. You are a stranger' whilst moving them away. if they get funny with me I used to answer back 'why would a stranger want to touch a child they don't know? I said no'. I've no time for it. I don't go round hugging every stranger I take a fancy too, no different with a child that can't say no.

nobreakfastforme · 09/07/2019 20:17

I think it's some sort of evolutionary 'village' thing. Women people are drawn to babies and want to touch them etc. No one means any harm by it but I hated strangers touching my baby's face too op.

GleefulGlitch · 09/07/2019 20:19

Kang

You sound aggressive.

Human contact is not a bad thing.
To be so aggressive about it is not healthy. Yes have boundaries but recognise that they are fluid!!

Babies gain everything from the world around them. Don't tell them other humans need to be in a 5 mile radius!!

Kanga83 · 09/07/2019 20:25

Gleefulglitch- my boundaries with my kids are not fluid. I am not aggressive, I just have zero time for people who think they can touch strangers children. Especially the cheeky fucks who don't acknowledge the parents and dive in. Assertive and to the point-yes, very. I make no apologies for it. Aggressive, never. I have never raised my voice, I have never pushed anyone out of the way. I become the barrier. I have a child with sensory issues, and I have one who hates being touched. I will never accommodate a grown person 'need for fluid boundaries' to touch a child they do not know.

Moralitym1n1 · 09/07/2019 20:26

Yeah it's almost always women.

But I think a man got right down to my babys face level and spoke into their face and touched their head once and it made me really uncomfortable - not because he gave me paedo vibes or anything; bug because i imagine it's like having a giant get right in your face and out their gigantic hand on your head. Overwhelming and a bit scary even if you don't think their intentions are bad. And it's not a giant you know, it's a strange giant. People don't ever seen to think.about how it is from the baby's perspective.

CrazyAllAroundMe · 09/07/2019 20:38

YANBU about strangers touching if that's your thing, mine was strangers touching my bump (wtf! why?!)

I think it's a dying/dead trend in this country; wishing wealth & prosperity to a new baby. When mine were newborn and up to around maybe 2 months old I didn't seem leave the house without 'silver' being put in their prams after touching their palm at least once a day. I always used to think it was really sweet, just baby wipe their hands and piggy bank the coins and accept the wish with thanks for the kindness and affection it was given. If it were now I expect lots would freak out about this Confused

GleefulGlitch · 09/07/2019 20:48

As I said your boundaries are yours and its your child so you get to set them.

However I do think you are aggressive and your last post does not make me think otherwise.

SarHar · 09/07/2019 21:15

You are not being unreasonable. My baby was 2 months premature and when we were discharged from NICU I was given a serious talking to about how vulnerable he was to infection, and how quickly it could overwhelm his respiratory system.