To change elderly DM's dentist to someone kinder?

[McSwoon]

DM is 82 and has Alzheimer's. She moved to a town nearer me 4 years ago, and I fixed her up with a local private dentist.

But he appears to be dreadful. Since being registered there everything appears to be scarcely organised chaos, starting with overcharging her in 2017 - she is paying for one of those schemes which gives her a 15% discount, but fresh after her Alzheimer's diagnosis she forgot and didn't question when he charged her full price. It took me a year to get it back.

Since then its all been a shit show, from sending her upstairs on her own before I could get back from parking the car (they know she has dementia and that her walking is poor); to starting an examination without a nurse/assistant present, and without being able to open her electronic notes (at all, the pc had failed).

Last week she broke her partial denture, so an appt was booked late on Mon evening. I took her there, dentist faffed around feebly and said he didn't have the right product to realign the plate to take an impression. So I had to take her back today, so last night's appt was a waste of time - and all I can say is, it was bloody brutal.

Poor DM has a small mouth and delicate papery skin, but he crammed a giant tray in her mouth to take impressions, wrenching her lips around so I could see her wincing. The bottom tray was manageable but the top one was awful - she choked and gagged and they had to swiftly sit her up. I ended up crouched by the chair holding her hand and encouraging her to breathe through her nose and soothing her - and my DM is a stoic woman, she's no wimp and she's had tons of dental work in her lifetime.

He virtually took the rest of her natural teeth out trying to get the thing back out, and brought her to tears in doing so. There was no care at all, no apology that she was in such discomfort, no reassurance, no care that she didn't feel faint when she got up. I did all of that, they couldn't seem to care less.

That's not normal is it? I know some dentists are gentler than others or have a kinder manner, but really? If I move her to another practice, how can I be sure that she'll receive gentler, kinder treatment? Or am I being precious?

God that sounds horrific. Your poor mother. Absolutely move her to a different dentist and find out who to complain to about him. What a dick

I wouldn't put up with that. Do you know anyone who can recommend other dentists? Also, go and visit other practices and sound them out and look for reviews on line.

That is awful, your poor Mum! You definitely need to move her.

Do you have local Facebook groups for your area? I’m a member of a parenting one for my county and they are a wealth of knowledge. Gentle dentists often come up and the same few dentists are always recommended. I now go to one that was recommended and he is amazing.

Try and find your local special care dental service which the nhs provides, you can usually self refer in or your GP can help. This is a service for those with medical or physical conditions who find accessing treatment in general practice difficult. They will be used to elderly patients with dementia and have lots more time than in general practice.

Absolutely find her your poor mum a different dentist! I’ve had a couple of dentists who are callous bastards but the NHS one I’m with now are absolutely lovely as well as perfectly competent. Hope you find a new practice soon.

My mother was petrified of dentists (no idea why and she wasn’t allowed in with us when children in case she passed that fear on!).
When our dentist retired I found her a lovely local person by going there myself first and checking out their manner and sensitivity. A couple I never returned to but found 2 brilliant people. The one who saw her until she died would only do treatment that was absolutely necessary because of her fear and declining health.

I wouldn’t hesitate to move her and, if possible, do a dummy run yourself.

Private doesn’t necessarily equal better as ours were NHS.

Oh thank you, I feel really quite disturbed by it but thought I was being dramatic! My poor mother, she's so sweet and lovely I could cry for her.

Luckily she's forgotten all about it now (Alzheimer's memory is about 15 seconds!) but I am still watching it in my mind over and over.

I might do some ringing around, not sure whether they will just tell me what I want to hear. I need to get some recommendations. My dentist is fabulous, but too far away - it would be a 3 hour round trip for me to take her.

Cross post Namechanger, I never knew that thank you - will do some research!

Most dentists say on their websites if a particular dentist is better with nervous patients, maybe check that. Hopefully then you can explain your DM has alzheimers and they'll be a bit more caring. But that sounds horrific. I can't imagine how horrible it must have been for your mum.

💐

Definitely get another one. Your poor mum.
I had to have impressions for a partial denture and i m 51 and pretty tough but still had the ugg ugg moment of near sickness.
My dentist is nhs. She is lovely and always stops and asks if i m ok etc during work.
I used to be petrified of dentists too after i had a horrid one and nasty gas and air experience as a child.

My mums dentist is brilliant with her, even though her dementia is pretty bad now and she can be tricky behaviourally. Absolutely find someone kinder

Move her immediately. Dentists are like any profession, some good, some horrid.

He sounds cruel. Please don’t take her back.

Of course your not being unreasonable.

The dentists attitude is everything. I pay extra for someone I really like.

Search for someone who works with dental phobic patients. Not because your Mum is, but because they are naturally more considerate to patients generally.

Your poor mum, I'm so sorry she endured that.

What a fucking wanker dentist, I'd complain and move. It's not good enough to treat a vulnerable person like that.

Glad you are going to look for somebody else. It's not 'precious' to stand up for someone in your DM's situation.

YANBU. What a dick. If you want to DM me where you are & I'll ask on the closed Facebook sites. on your behalf.

Ask for recommendations I mean.

That sounds dreadful, I would definitely change dentist. Maybe try and get recommendations from friends? Having an mould taken of your teeth is brutal. When I had it done I had a similar experience to your poor DM. I think they routinely over fill the trays so when the top one is done, some of the paste is pushed down the back of your throat. It's a normal experience but it doesn't make it okay

Thanks all - sorry for late reply, been out for the evening.

And thanks Mrsmorton, will message you! I'm also going to talk to the local dementia rep, who has been great in the past - she might have some ideas.

Op where in the country are you. If you by some stroke of luck happen to be in the ng9 area I can recommend very gentle calm and quiet female dentist in Beeston. Private surgery

Thank you MrsShelby but I am very much further south - down in Hampshire!

not precious at all and I am so sorry you have seen your lovely ma mistreated this way.
I realised I was really unhappy with my dentist for similar uncaring harsh treatment. Changed from him to another in the practice. New dentist is a delight and I wish I’d moved to her earlier.