Should I accept Maid of Honour role?

[tiredviolet]

Help me!!!
I've been asked to be MOH for my sister in law in November and don't know if I should accept the role? I was so so so surprised to be asked because we don't have a close relationship (I don't even have her number) we don't see each other or talk regularly. The rest of the family are also surprised! My DH is best man for his brother and we have a 3 year old and 7month old (by Nov.) so childcare will be tricky on the day if we both have roles to do.
AIBU to decline the role as in not sure she has close friends or sisters to ask?

Based on what people on here say is a maid of honour role, I would never accept . In days gone by, you turned up on the day, and that was it, nowadays it seems you are expected to do everything.

The main duties would be organising the hen do, and then just being on hand on the day. The hen do will be the most time consuming! Why don't you get your husband to subtly ask his brother about it?

If you aren't close with them I think it will be very tricky. On that basis I'd say no.

Based on the fact you’re not close, your dh has an important role and there are two children to look after I would decline, because the children will take your full attention. In these circumstances your in laws can’t be expected to help with the children.

I would decline on the basis of childcare but wonder if she just doesn’t have anyone else to ask which is really sad.

If you’re not close to her I would say no.

Saying that I would say no anyway as I’ve always hated being a bridesmaid or having any supporting part in a wedding!

I'd decline but for the reasons of childcare on the wedding day rather than not being close. If she has noone else to ask then you dont want to highlight that further. You would be expected to do hen do, be there to get ready before the ceremony, be on hand throughout the day. No way would that make for an enjoyable day with 2 DC in tow

Before declining please discreetly check she has someone close that she can depend on.

If she's pretty much flying solo I'd approach with flattery and say you're delighted to be asked but you're very aware that childcare will be tricky in the run up to the wedding and on the day if you and your husband are both performing supporting roles for the wedding party so wanted to check her expectations before commiting to something that may end up disappointing her.

It could well be she just wants someone officially in her corner but doesn't expect you to do much else but without making gentle enquiries that would be impossible to know.

Otherwise she might only be asking to be polite and will be relieved if you give her an 'out' that children will make the role difficult to fulfill properly because your husband will be heavily involved from his perspective anyway.

Nah, I’m not sure I would ever be a bridesmaid or MOH again. There is a lot of time consuming expectations and you have to mediate between the people attending the hen do in terms of funds and if someone backs out they either won’t pay or expect a refund. It’s so much work.
Doesn’t help that when I was BM the bride turned horrid. We argued the day before her wedding over something petty. 2 days after the wedding she was fine again never again 🙄

Yes do it. I think it’s a fabulous chance to get know her. It could make for tricky relations later too.

It sounds to me that she probably doesn’t have anyone else she can ask, otherwise she surely would have asked them. I would accept, but would state that I will have child care responsibilities so may not be able to give much support on the day, but hopefully other family members and the ushers can step in if help is needed on the day. Also perhaps discuss with her what her thoughts are on a hen do?

Do you think you were asked as your DH is best man and his brother thought this would be a smashing idea to give you a "job" too, OP.

I think it could be tricky with juggling childcare and if you are not close it will be difficult.

Personally I would also say no. I've had too many bad experiences as part of a bridal party...and that's with people I'm close to.

I would say yes, it's bound to cause bad feeling otherwise. you could just spell out before accepting that there are going to be limits on your ability to help organise things, and that you'd need family help looking after kids on the day

Talk to her and find out what she is planning - if it's a case of her wanting someone to hold her bouquet, perhaps have a quiet drink the night before then that's very different to being one of 8 bridesmaids, hen do overseas and bridezilla tendencies! Perhaps she has no one else to ask and zipping up her dress is the principal duty

OP Just check as PPs have suggested what she expects and if it's more than you can do (hen party, organising stuff on the day) then just say you're not that person with kids (esp with your husband being involved as well). Good luck.

Say no. DH needs to be able to focus on best man duties, you’ll be looking after the baby and you can’t give her the attention and help she’ll deserve as well.

You aren’t close, being a BM/MOH can be nice but it’s also a fuck load of effort, I’ve done it 6 times and am trying to avoid doing it again though I have one friend who’s already asked if they ever get round to walking down the aisle. Honestly not worth it if you’re not otherwise very friendly and the baby is the perfect excuse!

I would say yes, because saying no would surely lead to hard feelings? But I'd have a serious talk about responsibilities and childcare arrangements etc.

Who’s going to look after the baby if you’re both doing roles?

Also, no one needs a MOH so it’s irrelevant if she has no one else to ask.

A MOH doesn't need to be taxing. I had 2 bridesmaids and the one that I suppose you could have called MOH organised my hen do and that was about it.

I can see how it would be tricky with kids. If you feel you have to decline because of kids couldn't your parents maybe be on hand somewhere near by to take them? If you just don't want to do it then decline because of the kids. Perhaps she feels she has to ask you if you're the only young female in law so to speak.

Ask her what she expects of you (nicely).

Hi SIL - it’s really kind of you to ask me and I feel really honoured. I’m a bit hesitant as I’ll have a lot of responsibility for the children, especially with DH being best man. Is there much you’d need from me in the run up as I want to ensure I can properly commit to it’

My MoH didn’t have to do anything other than stay with me the night before, and hold up my dress whilst I went to the loo.

I did my own organising of the hen party etc. She might be like that too.

Wow thank you so much for the advice everyone! I have asked her what she expects my role to be (leaning on the childcare issue) and she said walking down the aisle and helping out with their two children as flower girl and Paige boy. Her step sister has already organised the hen party as a day time quite event, but hasn't been asked as BM neither has my other SIL-the grooms sister. It's so tricky!

If you don't want to do it, don't.

I agreed to be MoH & was told all I had to do was find two bridesmaid's outfits on a generous budget. Cue 6 months of drama, nasty remarks directed my way, wasted time & money.

Of course it might not always be like this, but I'd never take the chance again.

How do you feel about wrangling flower girl, page boy and your own baby?

She hasn't asked the groom's sister to be a BM at all? That's weird unless they don't get on. What does she expect you to do with your kids if you're looking after hers?