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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I should have said something MIL

24 replies

jellybelly6pack · 09/07/2019 13:53

hi all

Long story short, my MIL is a bully. She's racist (complains when she hears someone talking in another language), criticises what I feed my DC saying that he'll grow up with strange eating habits (I'm from another country and obviously cook food from there which DC and DH absolutely love), she complains I've bought a car because in her times she would go everywhere by bus or walk (bought it with my own money as I work as well and we live in London, she lives in a village 6 hours drive from here with no problem regarding public transportation 30 years ago).

I am going to visit my parents (abroad) and my twin nephews who are just a few months old in the holidays and I'm really excited. I'm taking my DC but DH is staying as he needs to work but he's happy that we're going.

I spoke about it to my MIL and she then proceeded to say that it was a waste of money, asking why do I need to go back to my country, that's it's too long holiday (1 month), that I should be in the house looking after my family (my DC and DH), that I am a depend person for wanting to see my parents and now I am a grown up woman and should not be going away without my DH. So basically she told me off because I am going to visit my family as if since I'm married I should be happy to never see them again or just for a few days. Btw they live in another continent so it's not like I can quickly pop over to see them.

Every now and then she says something unpleasant and I really don't know what to say back. The only thing I think about it "f* you and mind your business".

On the other hand I feel quite sad for her. My SIL lives in another country (not as far as mine) and last time she came over to visit was almost 10 years ago. I really feel that bothers her that once a year I visit my parents. However it does not bother my DH at all and he went with me last year.

Any thoughts? She wants to visit us before I am confident I'll hear some abuse again. Ideas welcome! X

OP posts:

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 13:58

I wouldn't feel sad for her at all. I can understand why your SIL lives in another country, and why she doesn't visit! I can imagine that she does perhaps see the stark contrast between how close you are still to your family, and how often you visit, and is jealous.

Ignore your MIL. Enjoy your time without her. . .

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 13:59

Oh, and I'd give DH fair warning that if she started up, I was going to tell her to shut up.

AuntyMarysBigRedPants · 09/07/2019 14:03

I would tell her that it's none of her business, again and again and again

Karigan195 · 09/07/2019 14:04

My she is stuck in the dark ages isn’t she. Next time just ask if she thinks all women should be barefoot and pregnant tied to the kitchen sink?

FetchezLaVache · 09/07/2019 14:04

Yes, she's probably trying to convince her self that a grown woman is objectively wrong to visit her parents in another country as her own DD doesn't.

Just tell her firmly that you and DH are quite happy with the arrangements you have made, thank you.

EL8888 · 09/07/2019 14:05

@mbosnz this

She needs to keep her nose out. It’s not up to her what you do and don’t do. She’s being unreasonable

MyOpinionIsValid · 09/07/2019 14:07

See, I'd smile sweetly, that sort of cats eyes smile and say "When did Mary last come home to visit you ?"

She want s to visit you? She can visit DH, go out for the day!

NoSauce · 09/07/2019 14:08

The only way to stop people like MIL is to speak up and say something. I know it can be difficult when it’s family but needs must. I would also stop telling her any of your business if she just criticises everything you tell her, she sounds painful OP!

Auntpetunia2015 · 09/07/2019 14:13

This isn’t to do with you. This is to do with the fact that her daughter doesn’t visit her. She will have made excuses why daughter doesn’t ie “she hasn’t her own life” “doesn’t need to be bothering with her old mum”. “She’s got her own family now”. She will have told so many people these so many times that she believes them..she can’t believe it’s because she’s a nasty racist and a bully. But you are messing this up- you have a family (Dh and Dc) but you still go see your mum.

Just warn DH that one word from her will get her told to stop and warned that you won’t tolerate racists and if she’s doesn’t like it she can leave.

NoddyHoldersMirroredHat · 09/07/2019 14:14

"My parents bought me up in a manner than means I love them and want to spend time with them as a loving daughter"

Watch as she realises the implication of what you've said.

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 14:16

"My parents bought me up in a manner than means I love them and want to spend time with them as a loving daughter"

Watch as she realises the implication of what you've said

Bwahahahahaha!

cakecakecheese · 09/07/2019 14:23

What does your husband say when she spouts her drivel?

Nonnymum · 09/07/2019 14:25

It's really none of her business. I would just nod, smile say you love your family, an d just because you are married that doesn't change and you what to see them and you hope your DC would want to visit you if they move countries in the future and then ignore her.

quizqueen · 09/07/2019 14:30

Restrict her visits to when your DH is there too, then he can entertain her and respond to her comments.

pigsDOfly · 09/07/2019 14:35

Stop telling her your plans, it's nothing to do with her.

When she talks at you just let her carry on without replying. There's absolutely no point in trying to convince her she's talking rubbish as she'll never see life any differently so stop engaging with her and just let her talk go over your head.

She sounds thoroughly miserable tbh.

mbosnz · 09/07/2019 14:37

Something I've found that worked marvellously on winding my racist sexist git of a fil up, was to stare vacantly into space when he went off on one, letting a good amount of time go by when he got to the end of his rant, and then turning around, smiling sweetly and saying 'hmmmm. . . oh sorry, were you saying something? Just went away with the fairies there. . .'

EKGEMS · 09/07/2019 15:56

Tell her the Neanderthals have phoned to say she's wanted back in the cave that she came from

BlueMerchant · 09/07/2019 16:04

Tell her (ever so sweetly) you understand it must be hard that her daughter doesn't visit but you have a very strong bond with your parents/family and really want and need to visit them and it's lovely your DC can spend time with and get to know their much loved family.

ChuckleBuckles · 09/07/2019 16:06

I am a depend person for wanting to see my parents and now I am a grown up woman

Actually you should just agree with her OP, "Yes, yes I am married now with my own family and should cut contact with my parents, don't need them any more. So sad not to see you any more either MIL as YOU won't need to visit your DS, who is now MY DH and is an adult with his own family, so off you pop, don't bother calling again, cheerio!"

Let what she is saying to you apply to her too, OP.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/07/2019 16:15

Next time she wants to come for a visit I'd be tempted to say that your DH is a grown up and doesn't need to see her anymore/often - see how she likes it when her own rules are applied to her.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 09/07/2019 16:18

Cross posted with you ChuckleBuckles - I have a funny feeling dear MIL wouldn't appreciate abiding by her own rules.

IABUQueen · 09/07/2019 16:22

“Oh MIL, that’s a very personal decision for me I’m surprised you have strong opinions about it when it doesn’t affect you. Plz stop worrying I’ve got this covered”

A polite way of saying it’s not ur business.

Rachelover40 · 09/07/2019 16:26

Gosh, she is difficult.

It might be best to tell her straight but not angrily that she is out of order to make such remarks about things that are really not her business, you find it hurtful. She wouldn't say all that to anyone who wasn't her family - say that too. Also remind her that you don't make negative remarks about her life (I'm assuming you don't or not that she knows about :-) ).

Presumably she likes you, her son and grandchildren and will hopefully take it on board.

Ticklingcheese · 09/07/2019 16:53

How about the passive aggressive way, saying in your sweetest voice 'i think it's sad that families disconnect, just because they are grown ups'.

End of and then ignore any hiccups, she is an old fashioned, bitter lady.

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