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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going NC

20 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 08/07/2019 23:32

It really saddens me (and I actually hate the expression on here) how many people go NC with family.

I have a difficult relationship with my sister and she has been an absolute cow to me over the years, really really horrid.

But she’s my only sibling. The last few years I have made a massive effort to WhatsApp her at least every week (she lives abroad) be kind about the things she does that I think are a bit nuts or don’t agree with maybe, be non confrontational, sisterly.

One of my little silly hobbies is getting into “debates” with strangers on FB. Someone was very unkind about my physical appearance and I got a notification today that someone had commented, was my sister ripping into them.

Silly but..,,

OP posts:

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/07/2019 23:37

Why does it sadden you when it literally has no bearing on your life?

My mother allowed my stepfather to abuse and rape me and give me a home abortion at the age of 12, then, when I was an adult told me she forgave me for our affair.

Dont feel sad on my behalf. Best thing I ever did was get rid of that evil bitch out of my life.

Not everything can be fixed, and not every family situation is like yours. I'm glad you're on ok terms with your sister, but it's pretty patronising to feel sorry for people going NC when it's likely to be the best thing they ever did.

OnlyYellowRoses · 08/07/2019 23:40

No sorry but just no. Some people have been through a hell of a lot worse that just unsociable behaviour. I had to go NC with some family for my own mental health. I think there of plenty of people who just simply cannot forgive and forget once someone has put you through years of endless abuse

Chocmallows · 08/07/2019 23:40

Every individual has the right to chose NC if in their best interests. I don't think it's taken lightly and those doing it need support not judgment.

tobedtoMNandfart · 08/07/2019 23:45

Yep your OP is pretty patronising.
Staying in contact with my parents drove my mental health to the very brink. Finding the strength to allow myself to move on is, sadly, the only viable solution (yes I have tried everything else).
I don't mean to sound trite but your sister is abroad so surely a bit easier to deal with than if you had regular face to face contact.

tobedtoMNandfart · 08/07/2019 23:46

Are you also goady on FB?...

ThistleDownHair · 09/07/2019 00:20

Your message implies that all family relationships can be strained (true) and that, ultimately, family members are always there to back you when you need it (false). Family dynamics are not that simple.

Mums netters do not, in my experience, flippantly decide to go NC like it's something as trivial as choosing their breakfast cereal.

I am NC with my "sister". She's cut off from myself, partner and son and hell will freeze over before we speak to her again. It's sad for my parents/extended family as they'll never see us in the same room again. It's sad my son won't grow up with relationships with his cousins. However ultimately I cut her off for a VERY good reason. Her unjustifiable actions caused me and my family a lot of stress and heartache. If someone tries to screw me and my family over for their own selfish gains I will not lie down to it and play "happy families" for anyone else's benefit.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 09/07/2019 00:22

To clarify - I did not mean in cases where there has been abuse.

I mean the often glib go NC banded about on here because someone in your family pisses you off.

My father was actually physically abusive towards me as a child. This lead to a lot of issues for me but I have worked through these with him and we are now close (I know that’s unusual).

I totally understand where there is abuse people go “NC” but it just seems a bit weak and shit at other times tbh.

OP posts:

AlunWynsKnee · 09/07/2019 00:24

NC is not an easy choice. It's usually the last resort to protect your own MH or your dc. Anyone who does it flippantly is a fool.

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 09/07/2019 00:25

It seems to be flippantly suggested on here sometimes. Like LTB is too.

OP posts:

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/07/2019 00:32

Good job nobody has to justify their 'weak and shit' decisions to you then isn't it op

AlunWynsKnee · 09/07/2019 00:40

No it really doesn't.

cheeseislife8 · 09/07/2019 00:42

Good job nobody has to justify their 'weak and shit' decisions to you then isn't it op

This. 100%

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 09/07/2019 00:42

I don’t know anyone in RL who has no contact with their family (other than in cases of abuse).

OP posts:

Original poster

Iamnotagoddess · 09/07/2019 00:43

Or who knows what “going NC means” other than here.

OP posts:

EatenByDinosaurs · 09/07/2019 00:49

One of my little silly hobbies is getting into “debates” with strangers on FB

Is that yoof speak for "Goady Fucker"?

Surfingtheweb · 09/07/2019 01:01

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult just wanted to say that I'm really sorry. You should have been protected & loved &!cared for.

Graphista · 09/07/2019 01:09

"To clarify - I did not mean in cases where there has been abuse."

Why do you THINK people go Nc?!

FYI emotional/verbal abuse is just as valid a reason.

I'm Nc with my sister because she's a pathologist liar, narcissist, shit stirring trouble maker who's assaulted me on more than one occasion and the last time tried to get me done for assaulting her (pure luck CCTV proved her wrong)

I've also been Nc at times with my abusive father and my mum who enables both father and sister.

But I absolutely support anyone who goes Nc for their own reasons.

I've never known anyone in real life or on here go Nc without damn good reason! Usually after many years of tolerating appalling behaviour.

Your comparison shows you don't understand such family dynamics and are not actually dealing with anything as extreme.

"I totally understand where there is abuse people go “NC” but it just seems a bit weak and shit at other times tbh." ODFOD!

Namechangedonceagain · 09/07/2019 02:17

YABU. just because you sister annoys you a little bit doesn't mean you can compare yourself to those of us who has serious enough reasons to go NC with family members. I am NC with my mother for the sake of my mental health and to stop myself being bullied and controlled by her anymore. Why is this sad? It's extremely liberating and wonderful. I feel much sadder for those people who still have negative or abusive people in the lives.

I also don't understand the "but she's your insert family member here!' thing. So? Just because I have a biological tie to another human being does not mean they are good, or kind, or good for me, or that we get on well, or have a stronger connection then I could form elsewhere. It's really just nonsense imo.

Namechangedonceagain · 09/07/2019 02:22

Also I have literally never been people being advised to go NC without a serious reason even on MN.

This thread is shocking. Let's all just keep those people who are abusive towards us/negatively affect our lives and mental health/make us feel shit and worthless and anxious in our lives because someone on MN's sister defended her in a Facebook argument which really goes to show us what we are all missing

I honestly think going NC with a family member takes strength and courage and it's far more "weak and shit" to

quietly put up with people whose behaviour ruins your life or
slag off people who have been brave enough to do this based on your own half-assed story about your slightly irritating sister who defended you in a Facebook 'debate' with strangers. 🙄

HypatiaCade · 09/07/2019 02:25

And what if instead of ripping into them, your sister decided instead to rip into you on Facebook, and say all sorts of shit about you to everyone else? What then? Would you still think "Sooo, glad I didn't go NC with my nasty sister..."

Honestly, you have no idea. I have a shit relationship with one of my sisters. I made zero effort with her now. But I will see her in family situations. To me this is low contact, not no contact. Life's too short to put up with shit from someone just because they happen to be related to you. Easier for me to decide that I know, because I happen to have a couple of absolutely wonderful sisters who make up for the crap one.

But I think it should give you an idea of just how bad it really is that people do cut off what is sometimes their only sibling.

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