MIL all over my dc

[Hp737]

Please help and tell me if iabu.
I am absolutely dreading the upcoming weekend. My dh, my child and I are staying with all my in laws (MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL and their spouses) in another country for a weekend-long wedding and I just feel nervous and dread about it. Dc is not dh’s but really for the past year or more MIL has been overstepping just enough to make me uncomfortable, but everyone tells me how lucky I should feel and MIL is the sort of drama llama who would get very upset and offended if I put even mild boundaries down.

She keeps sending what I consider inappropriately expensive, unasked for designer clothes and presents for my dc. As a result dc is rather entitled and I don’t want her getting any more spoilt.

When we are at theirs for Xmas, or likely this weekend, MIL will keep talking my dc off by herself or saying in front of dc that she’s going to do xyz (eg, “dc I’m going to take you home with me now so mummy can enjoy some time with daddy” even if I have no intention of staying at an event longer than my dc wants to. Then if I say no that’s ok, my dc complains and sides with MIL/refuses to cooperate with me
Always buys way too much for my dc at Xmas and insists they open it in front of family to see how magnanimous my MIL is

Bought my dc an entire holiday wardrobe for an upcoming holiday (with my own parents, that MIL wasn’t going on) despite the fact I had wanted to pick stuff with dc myself

Undermines me in front of dc if I try and say no to something or set boundaries

Sometimes games that I don’t entirely like such as my dc is a kitten being stroked by MIL. I’m always there, but it makes me feel a bit odd as I don’t want dc thinking tactile “games” like this with adults are necessarily ok

She drives me crazy. She tries to paint herself as this amazing mother and grandmother but it’s not real - if dc ever tries to play with her etc she actually isn’t interested/is too tired, it’s just all about her being this great grandmother and making a massive show of how accepting she is of my dc, which to be honest possibly annoys my SIL who had their first biological grandchild, and this makes me feel extra uncomfortable and embarrassed. My own family don’t do big shows of wealth or favouritism and they don’t fawn over kids. It feels encroaching but I look like a dick if I say this, even my therapist said I should just see MIL as a positive. No one in my dh family is allowed to criticise each other or set boundaries, it’s all so passive aggressive. His brother insisted on wearing a different colour tie to all the other groomsmen for wedding, just stupid stuff like that to undermine us. His brother also slightly raises my hackles in that intuitive way, I can’t say exactly why but I don’t like him around my dc, and MIL of course loves telling everyone how great BIL is with kids and when I’m in the midst of the whole family I feel disempowered and railroaded. And constantly worrying at the back of my mind about dc. MIL even once said that my dh should adopt my dc which is something for a lot of reasons we had agreed we aren’t going to do. It was so not her place to talk about it.

Am I being a complete dick? I don’t know.. everything she does is in the guise of being so nice, but something about her gives me the creeps and I wouldn’t ever really feel comfortable letting her have my dc on her own no matter how much she bangs on about it. She is medicated for bipolar and my dh doesn’t have the best memories of her as a mum, which is why her grandmother of the year act feels so fake maybe.

Please handhold me as I am dreading this weekend. Or tell me to stfu and be grateful for MIL.. I can take it if I’m being completely oblivious!

Seriously as a mum with a MIL who pretty much ignores my DS from my first marriage I would prefer your MIL

i think the buying things and her taking her home is her trying to be kind. however if you feel uncomfortable with her and BIL then trust your instincts. You are her mother and should have final decisions on things. Maybe get your DP to have a word with her?

How old is your child?
Whereas it's nice she shows an interest and buys presents, it does sound a bit much. But will one weekend really make your child spoilt? Does she see your child much?

She shows love to your child, buys her presents and offers to watch your daughter so you and your husband can have time with each other? What a bitch...
Seriously, as a mother whose children’s grandparents couldn’t give a shit about them: get a grip.

Some of this sounds ok and some not - and given the bits that don't sound ok, I get where got are coming from

Hold old are children and have you said anything so far ?

aren't some families great? everyone pussy foots around and sometimes someone will stage a minor rebellion [tie at wedding].
does she see herself as some sort of 'mafia godmother 'type respect me or else ? nice for your dd to be spoilt but there are aspects which i would put a stop to, get dp on board, and nudge mil back into place even if everyone is aghast at the outcome. they might well back you up.

Set up plans with your child before you see your mil
One cake
Going home with mummy etc
When she says something, say oh dd knows you only have one cake don't you darling, you're so good for remembering, whilst steering child away from mil.

Remind dd your so proud of her for listening to what mummy said etc

Re the presents, say thanks and swap for stuff you like

She is medicated for bipolar and my dh doesn’t have the best memories of her as a mum, which is why her grandmother of the year act feels so fake maybe.

People with bipolar, even when treatment compliant, often come across as a bit odd. It's also fairly common for them not to be treatment compliant, so I'd say follow your instincts about whether to leave your DC alone with her.

They aren't even her gc, what a lovely woman. Why are you so possessive? it's lovely she makes no distinction between blood and non blood relatives.

YABU to blame MIL for your childss 'entitled attitude' - a few parcels in the posts wont develop that.

She is medicated for bipolar and my dh doesn’t have the best memories of her as a mum, which is why her grandmother of the year act feels so fake maybe

Dont use the disability as a tool to discriminate.

Kill it with fire.

Stand up for yourself. Tell her off
Tell her no. Tell her to get a grip and stop overstepping boundries. Tell her if she doesn't you dont come over anymore with DC.

And if she doesnt listen still. Just throw in a big fat : you are not dc's grandmother ! That will show her

I loathe gmils overstepping all the fucking time. Showing love is fine. Great even. But this?! This isnt love. This is just showing who's boss for her.

Could you talk to her about it? Or ask DH to
MIL we really appreciate how great you are with DD and how much she loves you. But can you please check with me/DH before you offer to take her somewhere/buy her something/ etc. We don't want her to grow up spoilt/we want to make sure she respects her parents/she's going through a not-listening stage and we need to be clear on boundaries with her etc. Something along those lines.
Do it in a spirit of appreciation for her - because she does care and play with her you've said, just maybe not in the way you do and your family do and you're used to.
A GMIL who ignored her would be worse right?
But also- let her spoil DD a little! She obviously feels that she is her GM. And that's what they do!

How old is the child?
She just sounds over excited.
Try setting clear expectations and boundaries with dc and partner before you attend.
Have some chats about how too many sweets are not good for your health and teeth, etc.
Then try to step back a bit and have a good think about whether it is your issue or their issues impacting your judgement or not.
But also if you have very serious misgivings then trust your instincts.

Thanks. It is good to get a reality check as I know I maybe overthink this. I’m not trying to be nasty, maybe my op sounded a bit harsh. It just feels like a show of power (as a pp has said) and I find it telling that I feel really marginalised and unable to speak up without upsetting her/someone if I don’t agree. That isn’t me as a rule, it’s just how things feel with her.

This is exactly how my ExDH's family were. I felt overshadowed and defeated at every turn. I felt like I had no voice. It was like they knew best about everything and made it known, loudly, all the time. I was effectively bullied into everything. I was lost.

Does your DH back yo up if you try to say anything?

Hmmmm..... I do see why you’re uncomfortable. It’s a tricky situation. I think trust your instincts and don’t leave your DC alone with her. Be firm about spending time with your DC yourself so that the weekend gives you a chance to connect and have fun as a family.
If MIL asks why you’re not letting her take DC out to eg the shops to choose a treat, just say something lighthearted like ‘Ooh I’ve missed DC while I was working all week; aren’t these weekends nice for spending time one on one.’

Your feelings as a mother are valid - I’m not saying that your MIL has done or will do anything wrong, but feeling uncomfortable is a horrid situation.

I agree with NCforpoo above asking MIL to check with you first!

I would feel the same as you OP, just try and be firm and like the previous posters said, just go along with what you want to do.

I think she's really trying to prove to you that sheet loves your DC and biology is irrelevant to her. DH has a clear memory of his stepfather's family making regular comments about him 'not being blood', 'why is that child here again' , being treated differently to his cousins who were biologically related and even excluded from family events. I'd much rather your slightly OTT MIL than that

And if she doesnt listen still. Just throw in a big fat : you are not dc's grandmother grin! That will show her

Wow what a mean post.
I think it depends on the ages of your dc.It reads to me you are looking for things to fault mil with.You dint have to like her,but her being accepting of your dc is a big thing.You are the one saying bio gc.I think you are putting barriers up.And the mil is at least trying to treat them teh same.