To think a lot of young kids are over stimulated?

[jennymanara]

A lot of parents seem to worry about their young kids being stimulated, but I think a lot of young kids are over stimulated. Babies, toddlers and young kids need time to play alone and need quiet. For babies that might mean playing with their toes happily, or just sitting there burbling away happily to themselves. For toddlers playing with a toy, or looking at things on a walk. You also see it in parents who talk constantly. Toddlers being followed around by usually mums as the mum constantly talks to their child, asks questions and comments on what the child is doing. There is no silence, no chance for the child just to bumble about doing nothing much.

Mostly YANBU. I enjoyed showing DS how to be quiet so the baby bird would hop about a few feet away from us in the garden. Watching him quivering with excitement but quietly crouch down and stare for ages was delightful. Seeing him do it again later, then doing the same very near a butterfly that he stared at for 5 minutes was even more delightful. Such a long peaceful afternoon watching his little brain cogs whirring away (until he tried to eat a snail, then ran around shouting about the injustice of having it taken away).
We try to get him to play by himself for some time each day as well as playing games with him, which he's great at though he wants (and gets) input from time to time, I'm guessing that reduces with age (16 months old here). I like watching him play, he gets so engaged by different things on different days.

I feel responsible for doing this... My parents were more of the 'only boring people get bored' types, and that's probably why I found things I liked doing by myself, like reading books or making elaborate contraptions out if string and wire etc. I do worry that the level of stimulation available means kids might not have to use their imagination and improve on their attention span and emotional tolerance etc.

But I feel this way mainly about children aged 5+. I don't see a problem with giving lots of attention to a very small child as they don't have the ability to go off and explore activities themselves.

@Tigger001 or even to do nothing? Or daydream?
I actually find my own mental health gets less good if I am busy busy all the time. Going for a walk and then staring at the birds or really nothing always destresses me. And usually adults that I know who have to be busy all the time constantly, tend to be the most neurotic ones.

I know mindfulness is big in schools at the moment. Maybe that is because kids are not getting enough opportunity to just be and that is affecting their levels of anxiety?

I talk to mine all the time and I dont feel bad for it. In the house, outside at the shops. I also listen when she coos and babbles in my direction.

She'll happily play on her mat trying to eat her toes or try and crawl after a ball/object that has rolled away from her for a good lengthy period of time. I let her be until she starts to squawk and I know shes had enough.

Theres absolutely a balance but I dont think it's fair to talk about others parenting skills or overparenting or whatever. We all do it differently and we all think we're the doing the right thing. (Mostly)

benign neglect I like that, it pretty much sums up my parenting style.

yes. I have 2 DC already under 10 but SIL has her first DS, just turned one. He apparently 'can't ever stay in' as he needs all the external stimulation with people etc all the time.

Well - strange how when his DGM (my DM) has him - by herself, he's fine and more relaxed by himself.

@solsticebaby I disagree slightly. Yes kids under 5 need more input. But I think they are perfectly capable of exploring the garden while I sit in the garden with a glass of wine. Or perfectly capable of playing with a few toys on the living room floor with the occasional input from me. Of course it will be for much shorter bursts of time than with older children, but yes I think it is perfectly possible.

One of the things I love i when you see kids making up things and they are in their own little world and seem totally unaware of what is going on around about them.

I leave my kids to it all the time, unless we’re going out or doing homework..

My ds has made all kinds of contraptions from lollipop sticks and bamboo skewers from watching YouTube videos. He made an amazing crossbow a few weeks ago that actually worked and he’s only 7.

I knew something who banned swords, lightsabers and toys guns for her son. Wouldn’t let him get dirty. Such a boring existence.

@Bluebluered Its great that your kid has made all those things by himself.
But I also think its fine if kids don't do anything that adults think is "worthwhile" and just daydream, dig up some dirt or watch the cat.
I think all humans need time to just be. To do nothing or very little and not always to be stimulated.

Yanbu

My own dc get overstimulated easily but it took me a few years to work this out! So yes it was my fault when they were babies and toddlers.

But now at primary age I try hard to not overstimulate then when they are home. School is over stimulating so I try to counter this.

They don't do extra curricular activities apart from swimming and we don't even do that year round as they become tired from this. I do take them on walk/rides and to the park for exercise on weekends and school holidays. But after school we come home and relax (they do go to afterschool club for a short time as i am working but we are always home by 4).

Every day I tell them that they have to find something to do on their own for an hour or 3. And that I'm busy doing my own things. So give them time to play.

I keep an eye on their screen time, the amount and what it is they are doing. I find certain themes affect sleep.

And they need to go to bed before 8pm even on holidays.

But all this took me a few years to work out.

@jennymanara while I do agree on the whole, do you not think though everyone is different and some people don't like to do be doing nothing at all?

I think like most things in life it’s all about balance. I try to get a mixture of outings, garden, tv/consoles, board games, independent play. I’m not perfect and mine get far too much screen time but I am lucky that my children are imaginative and will play together for a good stretch of time. I think this is something you have to develop as not all children will play independently naturally.

Yes @BirthdayCakes it most definitely is

I agree @jennymanara, I wouldn’t stop my child from daydreaming. I’d get some peace for a few minutes too 😁

My sister's a teacher and I work in education, and we only now appreciate how excellent our childhood was for this.

Right in the middle of nowhere, lots of exploring, imaginary play, story telling, quiet exploration, lots and LOTS of outdoor play. My husband talks about kids potentially being bored if we move to the countryside before having them, but I was never bored as a child!

In fact, as a thirty year old, I spent Sunday writing a story, crafting with felt, and digging in the garden before a good old bit of lying around. Activities which you could ascribe to almost any age!

I don't know how some parents play with their child for 12 hours a day (SAHM) its just ridiculous... DD refused her name yesterday (almost 3) so I put her in her room for an hour and told her to play with her toys whilst I cleaned she was fine but a lot would call me a bad parent for that!!

I think there's a lot of self imposed pressure in parenting that's cropped up in the last generation

^

This with bells on.

My parents didn't parent like this at all.

@Tigger001 yes everyone is different in regards to how much stimulation versus quiet time they need.
When I was young the big push from the government was to encourage parents to stimulate their kids as the worry was they were not getting enough. So parents were being urged to talk to their kids, to teach colours, shapes, things like that. And I understand that some parents who tend towards neglectful still need encouragement to do that.
But in my own world I see many more going the other way. I am not saying that finding a balance is easy. But I think we need to talk a lot more about over stimulation. Generally the only time I see it talked about is in relation to kids with SEN. But I think it affects many NT kids as well.
It is just about balance. Lack of stimulation is not good for kids or adults. But being surrounded by noise and directed activities all the time is also not good.

Also interestingly read recently a Dr saying that many British parents when their babies stir in their sleep actually in rushing to comfort them, actually wake them up. It is a long time since I have looked after babies so don't know how true this is. But they were saying that babies can wriggle and make small noises and still be half asleep, and will go back to deep sleep if we just leave them. But by lifting them up and waking them up, we actually distress them. That we need to just pause for a moment and check they actually are awake first.

Totally agree! My 6 year old does 2 clubs per week (her choice) the rest of the time she likes to play at home/play outside/read/draw/do crafts.
Some of her friends have clubs after school every day and clubs 2-4 times per weekend-I don't know 1. How they fit it all in 2. How their child is not exhausted! And 3. How some of them afford it (obviously none of my buisness though).
I think there needs to be a balance and some children do need to be 'busy' more than others but if you are never left to your own devices how can you learn to entertain yourself!
My baby loves to babble to herself and 'play' with her toys (and fingers and toes!) While I'm doing jobs, but I also talk to her and interact with her a lot. Again it's balance, some parents seem to be constantly trying to entertain and others totally ignoring their child while playing on their phones (I realise I am on my phone but she is napping and I'm waiting for the washer to finish!)

Yes to daydreaming, I popped my head out of the window to check on my daughter on the swing and she (very politely) told me off for interrupting her daydreaming!
Interesting point about babies making noises in their sleep and think it's probably true. I don't have any other children to compare my experience to but for both of mine if I heard/hear them stir/call out/cry/whimper I don't rush in, I will listen on the monitor for my baby and check she settles, if she is obviously distressed I will go in but 99% of the time it stops very quickly and she is asleep again so probably not awake whilst making the noises. Also in the morning she will occasionally wake and babble happily/sing to herself, I don't go in and I know she will go back to sleep until 7:30-8:30 herself after between 5-20 minutes, if I went in she would probably think it was time to start the day!

For NT children yes. Those that aren't may need more structure, reassurance and general attention.

@owlbert That is interesting.
I could be taking rubbish, but I wonder if that is the difference between some parents who say their kids sleep through the night and some who say they don't? (I do know there will be some who will be all out crying).

I suspect part of the issue in general is that we are all so anxious about outcomes. Its all about doing activities to support language development, or develop fine motor skills, or develop neural pathways. Of course we need to talk to babies and kids and they need to have some attention and stimulation. But we dont need to always do this all the time.

I also think this kind of parenting makes being a mother much much harder. If my daughter is daydreaming on the swing like yours Owlbert, then that means I can have a cup of tea or go on MN! Much much nicer than always rushing about stimulating them.

@Underhisi Structure yes. The other things it depends. I used to work with kids with severe disabilities and I remember getting told by my supervisor I was doing too much with one kid - we would call it over stimulating now. That I had to do less. And the child was calmer when I did less with him. He was prone to screaming a lot. But of course it will vary with each child.

@jennymanara I wonder this too! Yes some children will wake and cry/scream and will be early rises but I bet some would sleep longer if their parents didn't rush in at the tiniest squeak, or if they are happily babbling playing, just give them time to see if they go back off.
I think a little awake and alone time in their cot when they are content probably does wonders for their development!
I was using the swing time for a well earned coffee, just popped my head out really to see if the cat wanted to come back in off the roof-I will know better in future and I should probably give the cat more alone time too!!

It's about doing it properly to suit the child's needs. My child is very easily over stimulated but still needs reassurance and knowing someone is always there. It's all about tone of voice, body language knowing when to speak, how close to be at any given time etc.