Should I allow my absent father to meet my newborn?

[Soootiredd]

The day after my DD was born 2 weeks ago I received a text from my DF congratulating me. I hadn't heard from him in 10 years (when I last got in touch with him) so it came as a surprise.

I have a family member who still knows him so I guess they would have told him the news.

I replied politely to the text and he's now asked if he can meet us.

DF and DM divorced when I was young and he never showed much interest. Contact gradually fizzled to nothing when I was about 15. I got in touch with him about 10 years ago but after a few meet-ups it was clear that he wasn't really interested.

So what do I do?

I feel so angry and upset that he could have so quickly and easily got in touch with me at any point and hasn't. He would have known that I got married a few years ago but didn't say anything then. I feel that he's got in touch for selfish reasons because he sees the baby as his grandchild and is probably is curious as to whether or not she looks like him or maybe he just wants to feel like he's done the "right thing."

That said, I do sympathise with him. He had a troubled childhood and I think that's why he seems to find maintaining relationships so difficult.

Also, he has has 2 heard attacks and various other health issues so I worry that if he were to pass away I would forever feel guilty for not introducing them.

I would really appreciate hearing your own thoughts and experiences to help me make my decision. Thank you.

Personally I would leave it for now. Newborn is such an emotional/upheaval time anyway when you're already feeling very vulnerable, I don't think you need the extra stress. Concentrate on your own child.

A troubled childhood only gets you so far imo. It's no excuse for being a cunt to your own kids and creating more troubled children!

Very sound advice there. He’s waited this long, he can wait a bit longer.

He let you down badly before, why give him a chance to do it again?

I allowed my df into my dc's lives. He let them down just as he had me. Wish I hadn't bothered. Truly op, enjoy the family you have now and leave df in the past where he has CHOSEN to stay for years... Concentrate your efforts on your squashy baby!
Congratulations!

I have to agree with another poster. You have a new born, your hormones and emotions are all over the place. Concentrate on you and your baby for now. Should you decide to meet up with your father please wait a while. You're vaunerable right now, don't let him tske advantage of that. I'd even tell him that. If he really cares he'll understand and support that decision.

Honestly, and I appreciate that my standpoint on this may be somewhat cold, but hes not been a father to you, so why allow him to bask in the glory of grand parenthood?

He is a man who should have been a parent to you, and he wasnt. Troubled childhood or not, who decides they just wont really have a relationship with their child?

He is a stranger, with yes some health issues, but that shouldn't change the situation a great deal, I know you feel bad and probably like excluding him would be wrong, but if you let him in, the chances are he could do exactly what he did with you, to your child.

I've been in that situation myself, and It isnt easy, but if you decide to have him in your life, then do it for you and your child, not out of any perceived duty to him

You're a long time dead and ther's no way back from regrets.

Treat him as you would any distant aunt.

My father did one better and turned up on the doorstep when mine was a few weeks old. I was asleep my husband let him in. Felt sick at the thought he’d had a pic taken. When he was leaving I asked him to write and explain his side of things same old bunch of crap. Never seen him since

I would also not reply quickly but before I did would be asking why?

I also think you have the right to say no. Been a blood relative does not always equate to enhancing anyone’s life

Honestly I would say that you need to build a relationship with him before introducing your newborn and then go from there.

Congrats on your baby

I had this same issue about 2 years ago - my father has been distant since my mum and dad split when I was 17, had let me down constantly, remarried to an awful controlling woman (who I think was behind him going distant despite my best efforts).

He didn't find out I had a baby, I told him and offered for him to see him if he would be able to sustain a relationship (I didn't want him drifting in and out and confusing me or my family) - after about a year (yes, a year) he finally met my son for about an hour, with a Christmas present, and we haven't seen him since despite trying again and again to negotiate a meet up. I've come to the conclusion he just cannot face being a father or grandfather figure, despite the fact this is his one and only grandchild and likely to be so.

It's not quite the same scenario as yours as your father seems intent as he's made the first move, but I would tread carefully - I never thought my dad would start letting me down again once he realised he had a grandchild but that's exactly what's happened. I'd also wait until your baby is a bit older rather than having to sort something out when they are so young. Maybe give it till Christmas and if your dad is still insistent on meeting, see if that would suit you. But it's your terms or nothing.

Something else has popped into my head which has made me think no. One gp’s have a relationship with grandchild they can apply for access . I wouldn’t risk that in this situation

Starlight you over exaggerate... Gps who have had years of unsupervised contact /overnights or the dc living with them can apply for contact. Not some random dgf just crawling out from under his rock...

Not true , there is thread on here at the moment a gm is going to court for a child she has never met, she has contact with the other sibling

Children of the family counts for a lot in court so if she had an order for the first dc.,.. Again not some random dgf...

I have doubts as to whether that other thread is true and even if it is that other poster clearly has a lot of issues @Starlight456 - so probably not best to quote that thread on here. In this case OP is best to ignore the message until it’s convenient for her (if ever).

Thank you all so much for getting in touch. I really don't want to spend too much of this precious time thinking about DF so it's been helpful to get this out and hear your opinions.

It seems like everyone is in agreement that he has consistently let me down and he's likely to do the same again. I don't want that for my DD. I will take your advice and leave it for now. If he decides to keep in touch I will rethink my decision in the future.

It's depressing to see that many of you have experienced the same thing yourselves. Now I have my own child I find it so hard to understand how these men can decide to check out.

Thank you for your congratulations. Newborn life is absolutely amazing. I'm lucky to have a supporting loving DH who is making it very easy for me. I'm pleased to say that I've broken the cycle!