...to wonder how my sibling feels?

[crisscrosscranky]

My sibling is 10 years younger and 'troubled'- MH problems, lives in a bedsit, awful debt, lazy, unemployed... but is kind and my sibling so I Iove them to bits.

We threw a party today and the differences in our lives were so obvious. He bought my DD some stickers for her bday which I know he couldn't afford (they only cost a couple of quid but he's honestly so skint that would be his food money for a day). He went home an hour ago and I've barely stopped crying since; I want to help but don't know how.

If you're the 'poor' sibling what can I do?!?

If it were me id ask you to stop pitying me. Your sibling is an adult and makes their own path. Respect them
Iv been there (the poor sibling). ...If you go round for dinner or something pick up extra bits from the supermarket for them without it being an obvious hand out

Well you could have slipped him a tenner to say thanks for coming and bringing DD a present.

Longer term, you could help him to get to a debt management place like CAP or StepChange. You could offer to go with him to doctor's appointments to make sure he's getting the right treatment for his mental health problems. You could check that he's claiming all the benefits he's entitled to and/or see if there's any work he could do.

But all of those will be hard work, long term, and need some motivation from him as well. Good luck.

To be honest you sound very 'Oh look at how well I've done compared to you, peasant'. Just be accepting and none judgemental.

You can treat me as your equal and as your friend, but treat me to a takeaway, bottle of something or icecream when you see me without making a big deal out of it, or invite me over for a coffee or come to me for one but don't make a thing out of me not being able to afford one out.

Also, if there's something I can help you with that would be awesome to be asked, to pick your DD up for school and take her to the park one day or feed your cat. Obviously only if I'm not really struggling, but me helping you helps me. Taking those little responsibilities helps build me up, and it makes us have a more equal relationship. I might be unwell, but I can still pick something up from the dry cleaners if you want me to. This means if you then offer to help me with something, like a lift to an appointment, I won't feel guilty and like I owe you. I'll just be happy that we are family and so we help each other.

Ps. Don't be afraid to let me know what you struggle with in life even if it seems little compared to my demons. When you are vulnerable and show me you struggle sometimes too I feel as though we are all just people doing our best. And again that we are equals. So tell me what makes you cry, as well as what makes you laugh, what makes you proud and what makes you fearful. Bonding over our shared appreciation of Italian food or Auntie Sharon, or are frustration with middle sibling/mum/dad/whoever you have in common will make us feel closer too and are what differentiate us as family not just friends.

Oh, and don't just give me all your old crap, if there's something beautiful and useful you want to gift me with that's different, but I'm not a charity case even if sometimes you think I am. And I don't need your stained old clothes or manky old tins. If It's junk to you it's most probably junk to me too. But that book you loved reading? Or that cactus you thought might cheer up my window ledge? Yeah, those things are cool.

Try to arrange activities which don't highlight financial, lifestyle and social differences. Also if mental health issues are a barrier to comitment then try to keep things low key regarding a rigid timetable. Things like a family picnic with a few ball games thrown in, taking your DD to the library to do the summer reading challenge (three visits over 6 weeks).

Well do you get on despite your differences? As in enjoy spending time together because if you do i would just continue to do that, invite him for lunches/dinners for no reason. Let him know you're still there for him.

Dont let him feel your "pity"

Dont refer to him as the poor sibling

@chocolatebuttonsandcheese I don't judge him but I do worry about him not eating or being safe.

Thanks for replies, I will try to arrange some ad-hoc visits in next few weeks. He has addiction problems and his mood can be up or down depending on how long it's been since his fox. It makes it more difficult for me with 2 kids in tow but I just got the feeling today that he's not in a great place.

@crisscrosscranky

Oh that's really tricky with addiction issues and young DCs. Does that make him quite unpredictable?

Its difficult OP. If he is in a dark place but just needs a little extra support then it would be nice of you to try help him.

But if he is temperamental, difficult to have in your home, around your kids etc then its hard to say how to support him without having negative consequences for you.

It’s difficult OP/ and you don’t sound judgemental or boastful at all.
If addiction is involved very little you can do, does he have community support?

I was in a similar situation to his when I was younger, OP, with ruined credit, stupid irresponsible debt, bone idle far too much/often, skint, no direction at all...

Now I'm a successful professional with a happy family, perfect credit, zero debt (actual positive equity!), stable relationship, great job I'm good at and enjoy, house nearly paid off, admirable insurance...

It took me many years of hard work and really focusing, but I got to where I am on my own.

At least for ME, I needed that failure, that shitty part of my life that I'd dug myself into. I learned from my mistakes, and even though I didn't know where I was trying to go most of the time, I had a lifestyle to run from and a few tangible goals to work toward.

Maybe the "bootstraps" method isn't what's best for the way your DB learns, but it's not a bad life experience, at least. It's character building!

I do wish him luck. It's hard to drag yourself out a hole when you can't see the top and may not even know you're in it.