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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not sure if AIBU but I think SIL comes round just to play with our toys...

26 replies

Choconoire · 07/07/2019 18:53

SIL likes to "drop by" unexpectedly now that we have our baby. She never came near us before. Earlier we were eating dinner in the kitchen when our four year old nephew appeared outside the patio doors, staring in. SIL emerged a moment later - she'd let herself in the side gate because front door was locked. We let them in, and SIL and nephew basically sat on the baby's play mat and played with the baby toys for half an hour. The baby sat with them for a while then crawled back over to me (washing up dishes, open plan kitchen diner so I was one side of the room and SIL and nephew other) just to set the scene, we have part of the "diner" area of the kitchen diner barricaded behind one of those extendable play pen room divider things, and we have the play mat and all the toys in there, plus an indoor baby/toddler climbing thing, which nephew is obsessed with.

SIL had her back to me the whole time and barely spoke. DH disappeared because he finds his sister overbearing and her son is spirited. Spirited nephew threw a tantrum and they left. That was it.

Baby was trying to crawl up my leg and I was trying to stop the dog eating the rest of our interrupted roast dinner, so I was too focused on being polite and not rolling my eyes and groaning, but they're away now, DH is bathing baby, and actually it's just sunk in that she quite literally came in and sat down and started playing with the toys without barely uttering a word to us, beyond the first "hi how are you, we were just passing by?"

I'm now doubting what happened, wondering if I've picked it up wrong, but actually no that's basically what she did?

She's using us as entertainment isn't she? I'd suspected so, but she'd at least sat on the sofa for a chat previous to this.

For what it's worth, nephew has very few toys, she dumps them and puts them in the attic - he got a train set at Christmas and it was in the attic by March. She is very minimalist

OP posts:
QOD · 07/07/2019 18:54

Lock the gate. Take the doorbell battery out

Choconoire · 07/07/2019 18:56

We usually do, but DH took the lawnmower round the front and forgot to lock it again once he was finished.

The more I think about it, the crosser I'm getting. She had her back to me almost the whole time, in my own home. Am I overreacting to think that's really rude?

OP posts:
AWishYourHeartMakes · 07/07/2019 18:57

Is she lonely maybe? Maybe she just really needed to get out with her son and didn’t manage conversation when she got to you? A bit odd though.

Choconoire · 07/07/2019 18:59

I wouldn't go round to someone's house if I couldn't manage to speak to them, I'd go to soft play!

Staying when she saw we were having dinner too. Rude.

OP posts:
DontCallMeShitley · 07/07/2019 19:06

Fit a lock to the gate, and a closer, so that it shuts and locks automatically. You just need to remember to take a key if you need to go back through it.

Or tell her to shove off. You are not an entertainment centre for her child.

UpToonGirl · 07/07/2019 19:14

Does she play/engage with your baby?

modgepodge · 07/07/2019 19:14

Was the 4 year old not bored playing with baby toys?!

XXcstatic · 07/07/2019 19:18

That is weird. Could she be trying to reach out to you? Sometimes overbearing people are compensating for social anxiety. Does she want the cousins to get to know each other, but is too awkward to go about it in a normal way?

BumbleBeee69 · 07/07/2019 19:19

She's a lazy cow, wants to mess someone else's house instead of her own and wants someone else to entertain her kid... lock her the hell out. Flowers

Choconoire · 07/07/2019 19:22

She played with the baby for a few minutes, but her focus was on her own child. Nephew finds sharing hard, and was whining/pushing out at the baby whenever baby reached for anything, so baby eventually just crawled back to me and sat chewing on some Tupperware - was knackered and ready for a bath and bed at that point anyway. Sil proceeded to sit and play with nephew and toys. Nephew, weirdly, loves the baby toys, especially blocks/musical keyboard thing. He mostly sits and watches TV in his room at home so I suppose it's the novelty

OP posts:
Choconoire · 07/07/2019 19:25

I have suggested trips to the park, soft play, farm etc in the past and she always says no. Starting to think she's just seeing our house as a sort of family run playgroup because we have the whole area set out for baby. We're working on an outside play area as well and she's been telling nephew that they'll come for lovely picnics in the summer. She has a garden of her own, it has an outdoor bar in it for fuck sake! Nothing for nephew though

OP posts:
BasilFaulty · 07/07/2019 19:25

YANBU and that is definitely rude, and odd. Looks like she's not even trying to cover up her reasonings for coming over anymore. Do you have the sort of relationship where you can talk to her about it or do you think a swift locking of gates is better?

WineGummyBear · 07/07/2019 19:28

Her poor little boy! No chance of playing at his own house.

Yes, she's being ridiculous, and yes get a lock on that gate.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 07/07/2019 19:36

Hm I think she was being a little rude with her dropping in and interrupting dinner but it also sounds like you are being a little mean spirited - maybe she was just reaching out to you and spending/ passing some time together with the babies? She maybe just thought she was popping in as local without ceremony (which is what normal family does) - I would love to have local family that just dropped in without formal organisation. Maybe your husband should be more involved in these visits where possible if you don’t like her (which is the impression given in your post although obviously I don’t know all the background etc etc). Sorry I don’t mean to sound negative or rude in response to your post.

Choconoire · 07/07/2019 19:41

She was fine until we had our baby, and she's increasingly stomped boundaries and been a pain ever since, I'm not sure why. I'm really tired this weekend, and was just looking forward to a nice quiet dinner and afternoon so yes I probably do sound mean spirited

OP posts:
jarofheart · 07/07/2019 19:43

Yes it's rude she let herself in, but rather than saying "sorry now isn't a good time" you let her in. Then once she was in you started/carried on washing up and your DH made himself scarce? That's a bit rude and no wonder she didn't talk because after letting her in you hardly made her feel welcome. She probably felt awkward.

Now you have a baby she's trying to make an effort for the cousins to play together and get along.

I wouldn't say she's using you for entertainment considering she was only there for half hour. Why is it so wrong for the nephew to play with the baby toys? Would you rather he started playing with remotes, ornaments or other non-toy things you have lying around.

Either tell her that it's not convenient or try to make an effort with her. Don't let her in, ignore her then moan about it.

bobstersmum · 07/07/2019 19:47

I doubt she takes her child to your house solely for him to play with your baby's toys.

MindatWork · 07/07/2019 19:49

It does sound weird OP, but I’d be just as annoyed at your husband disappearing and leaving you with baby/dinner/SIL/nephew combo!

SagAloojah · 07/07/2019 19:58

Would a 4yo really be that interested in a baby's toys?

Ginger1982 · 07/07/2019 20:00

Your DH needs to speak to her! She's his sister! He can't just disappear off because he finds her 'overbearing' and her son 'spirited.' He needs to be the one to set the boundaries.

MitziK · 07/07/2019 20:21

Is there a DH or DP in all this? If so, is she trying to escape him for a couple of hours? Could the minimalism be because he won't have children''s stuff around/making noise (or has trashed it all, rather than it being up in the loft as claimed?).

My ex was like that. I was under strict orders that he wasn't to see any evidence of children when he walked in the flat. I spent a lot of time during the day when he wasn't around to order me to go and do housework round at a friend's - I cursed the invention of mobile phones when he presented me with one and then used it to berate me when I didn't answer the landline immediately during the day - when I was apparently supposed to be getting on my hands and knees and wiping over the carpet with the scrubby side of a clean washing up sponge every day.

I never told my friend why I was around so often - 'the walls are closing in on me and I've already been checked up five times by midday/if I let the kids play, I can't be sure when he'll come in and he'll go ballistic if he sees one Duplo under the settee' isn't a great conversation opener - and I'm sure I became an annoyance eventually before I moved away.

Might not be, but she seems very keen to not be in her presumably lovely house.

EarlyModernParent · 07/07/2019 20:30

Be direct with her about what you do and don’t want. No point stewing and not saying anything.

poglets · 07/07/2019 21:43

Your DH buzzing off and leaving you to deal with his sister is unreasonable. Sorting this is your first step. Perhaps if he has to deal with her then he'll find his balls and tell her to back off. It's funny how this happens when it becomes an inconvenience to them.

BumbleBeee69 · 08/07/2019 19:01

tell her to stop calling round.. you want family time. Flowers

Jennifer2r · 08/07/2019 23:43

Your problem is with your husband and I'm shocked you can't see that.

Can you imagine a dc

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