To tell my boss I am doing IVF?

[Scarlett555]

Boss took me aside the other day for a bit of a bollocking - saying I appear to have lost focus and I am not as dynamic as I used to be. She said it felt like I'd given up and I was taking too many days off.

This felt unfair as I'd left work early then taken one day off after suffering my 2nd miscarriage in 6 months (I told her I had a migraine). I'd also taken some planned annual leave around the same time.

I am about to embark on IVF and no doubt will need more time off.
There are redundancies going on at work, we have already lost a few members from the team so I am in a risky position.

Should I tell her about the IVF and miscarriages? Any HR people know if this would protect me or make things worse?

Sorry I can't be of much help but some organisations have IVF policies, it might be worth seeing if yours does x

You at least need to tell her about the miscarriages- she's not a mind reader and having a miscarriage will have had a longer term affect in your well-being and focus on your job than having a migraine would have done.

She's probably got a point (even if you can't see it) re: job performance but is judging it without being made aware of the actual facts. Unless she's an absolutely awful person then she'll offer support and give you more consideration.

It won’t protect your from redundancy nor disciplinary for poor performance.

However it may have changed the talk you were given had you not lied about the reason for being off. It might have been approached differently than it was.

Appreciate she's not a mind reader, I am a bit nervous to put it out there that I am trying to get pregnant when my job is so busy.

She has kids herself and is a nice person so I am tempted to tell her but not sure if that is naive of me.

Sorry for your losses OP 💐

Whether or not you decide to tell her about the IVF I would disclose the miscarriages as pregnancy-related absence is considered separately to general sick absence.
You will need to say something like you were too upset at the time to speak about the real reason for your absence (or whatever explains why you didn't tell her).

IVF - up to you. I have friends who've had IVF and their work was supportive.
I've had 2 rounds (so far) and haven't told my work, and plan to do the same when I try again.
If it's complicated to get leave at short notice you will need to have a think about that. Good luck with it.

Also possibly a question for the infertility board but you might want to consider who has recommended IVF and why they believe it will have a happier outcome for you. Not trying to be insensitive but if your other pregnancies were naturally conceived if there is anything causing the miscarriages you'd want to know about it before embarking on IVF.

I told my work I was having IVF as needed time off at short notice. They were very supportive and thrilled for me when it worked.

I wish you the very best of luck. It is a tough thing to go through so the more support the better x

It’s definitely worth telling someone senior in work about IVF - I needed to take time off/swap shifts at short notice for scans and stuff, take time off post egg collection (some people don’t but I was bloody sore!) and they time when they put the embryos back based on what your scans look like etc so I took leave post embryo transfer and then had to re-arrange it. This was all a hell of a lot easier knowing I could just say ‘I need Tuesday off’ and we could sort it out.
I didn’t find out til last week (planning mat leave as now 25 weeks with twins) that there is actually a policy on ivf allowing reasonable time off for treatment - so may be worth speaking to HR too. Good luck!!!

I don't think you should feel like you have to, however, I think it would actually (hopefully) make things easier for you.

I am sorry for your losses and difficulties OP, but I don’t think you can be excused from “slacking” as it seems you are because you are getting IVF. Sorry.

I ended up telling my boss as getting time off is not easy in my role. Leave is not authorised by the boss and I did not want to be challenged by the deputy manager in charge of it! I told her confidentially, and asked her not to disclose it to anyone else. She then instructed the deputy manager to authorise all of my requests. It was much easier, and less stressful for me.

Good luck!

I told my boss as you will need to go in for scans every few days towards time of egg collection and transfer plus time off for both those procedures. My boss was very understanding and my clinic was good at accommodating me early in the morning. It's a stressful enough process without coming up with excuses for time off too.

If anyone who reports to me had time off for miscarriage and told me it was a migraine I would not be able to be supportive so I think you should be honest about that.

Re. the IVF I probably think it's best to keep that confidential unless it gets too stressful. Just because of the redundancies.

Good luck OP it sounds like a really hard time. You will get through this xx

I've lost 5 pregnancies between 6 and 12 weeks - one a near fatal ruptured ectopic - my male boss has known about them all and to be honest has been more supportive than many family members. To be honest other than my ectopic I've been able to largely work from Home during the mc and only really taken a day for each as "sick"

I've also done 2 rounds of ivf this year which he has known about - my clinic starts appointments at 730am so I've actually been able to do 90% of them without any impact on work (but I do have the flexibility to work from home) and took annual leave for egg collection and transfers

As others have said your boss isn't a mind reader and her reaction might surprise you although the threatened redundancy issue does make it a bit more complicated.

Not every clinic starts appointments that early and they are first come first served so there will be days when your late to work etc - it's going to look bad on you if you don't have a valid reason