Struggling to cope with little sister living with me

[OffTheShelf]

Hi, I’m a regular but new account for anonymity. I feel completely stressed out and stuck and don’t know what to do!

My little sister ran away from home in April 2018 and came to live with me, DH, DD and DS. She will be 16 in October. I don’t speak to our mum, I haven’t spoke to her in 4 years, she is an alcoholic and there’s a long string of social services reports regarding little sister. As soon as sister moved in with me, SS washed their hands of her, I honestly think they were just glad to get a kid off their books :(

The only practical place for her to sleep is in with DD age 12. DD is currently under assessment for autism and there have been a few minor clashes with tidiness and other quirks, which is getting me down. DD really could do with her own space, which of course she used to have, but there’s no other viable sleeping options.

Financially I’m finding it hard too. Because SS didn’t officially place sister with me, I’m not eligible for any kind of financial support, except for the child benefit so an increase in income of £13 per week. We are incredibly lucky in that we don’t struggle to pay the bills or put food on the table, but every time I need to pay for another school trip for sister, or she needs some more clothes, or asks for money to go out with her mates I feel more and more resentful.

We wanted to take our kids on holiday last year, but mum wouldn’t let us have sisters passport, and we didn’t feel we could go without her so had to just leave it. And she can’t get her own adult passport until she’s 16, but then it’s still me who has to pay for it and pay for her to come away with us. Maybe this makes me sound like a bitch but I have treated her no differently from my own kids since day 1, in fact financially she’s probably had more than my own kids due to her being at an age where she wants to be out doing things.

When she first came to us I was willing to suck all this up because I thought it would be temporary. I thought that either she would want to go back to her mum or that I’d be able to get some kind of support from SS. Neither of those things have happened and I’m really just struggling with it all now.

I called SS last week and broke down explaining it all to them. They said that the only thing I could do was apply for a Special Guardianship Order and then I might be able to get an allowance, but the whole process can take around a year and requires parental consent! Mum would rather die than give consent for that! Plus she would be 17 by the time it went through so feels almost pointless! I said what if I told sister she has to leave, and they said that would be mums problem, and of course they knew full well I wouldn’t actually ask her to leave!

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is there anything else I could try? I love my little sister but this is all just getting too much for me practically, financially, mentally and emotionally :( But is it just my family duty that I have to suck up? I don’t want to damage the poor girl anymore than she already will be :( I think I’m hoping for a magic spell of some kind tbh!

First of all, well done for helping your sister. I know it's hard, I had my nephew for a while but he was young and it was easier.

Secondly, you are ok to moan. You've just taken on a teenager on top of your own.

It's a difficult situation because SS do wipe their hands, especially at a 16 yr old, they just don't know what to do with them.

Can you book an appointment with SS to ask for help? Or citizens advice ? I haven't an idea I'm sorry but good luck.

@OffTheShelf I'm in a very similar boat - I have been in the process of writing a similar thread but I wasn't sure what I was asking.

The 16-year-old who lives with me luckily never asks for money and has had a job previously before staying with me. My general census is that she pays for her own pocket money through working (been a pot washer for two years) and I pay for the bills/food/basic clothing.

Could you possibly get a sofa bed for your sister in the living room? We switch places depending on who wants to go to bed first - if she fancies an early night she's in my bed but usually she's happily enough on the sofa watching Netflix.

We currently don't get any benefit as the 'parents' can't afford to loose her payment and therefore demand her back (funny enough they don't care if I'm paying for her).

If you’re receiving child benefit and she is still in education can you claim tax credits?

Make an appointment with cab to see if you might be entitled to anything?

Is there an advocacy service near to you that could help you access some support?

It’s hard looking after someone else’s child. We do it, so I understand. Teenagers are particularly hard as they just think the whole world revolves around them. You have done great to get this far.

I think you might be entitled to some kind of guardians allowance, even without the SGO in place. Look it up on you gov. From what I can tell it is for anyone who is looking after someone else’s child, but not getting maintenance from the parents.

Secondly, as you are effectively a private foster career, social services have a duty to help you. Maybe not financially, but an assessment might Help you access practical support such as respite.

I also just want to say that it’s ok if you feel you have reached your limit. There can be such terrible guilt associated with these types of situations. If you are unhappy, chances are your sister is picking up on that too. The best thing to do is try to have an open conversation with everyone and think of a way forward as a family.

Would you be eligible for some child tax credit? My 2 nieces came to live with us (similar situation) and having an extra 2 children pushed us over into being eligible for a bit of child tax credit (as well as the CB) which really helped. You can use one of the online calculators like Turn2us to check it out. If your Dsis is staying at school or college then if she has travel expenses, books, materials etc to buy she may be eligible for a sixteen to 19 bursary, there might be details on the schools website or you could talk to their student services about that. Schools often have a fund to help pay for school trips for families that can't afford it but I know that is a really difficult one to being yourself to ask for.

We were also able to self refer the girls for counselling in our local area. It took a while to get the actual counselling but I think it helped them to have an outsider to talk to about their situation (and we couldn't afford this for them).

Is the room the girls share big enough to partition off a bit. You could use something like an Ikea kallax and fill with books and storage containers or just put up a curtainor folding screens to give the sense of more privacy.

Well done for looking after your sister, you’re doing an amazing job!

Either you should be entitled to child benefit and additional child tax credits or you should look to formalise the arrangement with social services through kinship fostering, for which you will receive a foster carer’s Allowance. I don’t think your Mum needs to consent to you fostering your sister, in the same way she would a guardianship order - I believe the decision about whether or not she is placed in foster care is up to social services. If your mother is still abusing alcohol and your sister does not want to return home, then social services have a duty to act in her best interests.

You need to make it clear to social services that you are stepping in, and had you not done so, your sister may have ended up in foster care or in an unhappy, unsafe home environment- but this does not absolve them of all responsibility for your sister. Really, social services need to support you in accessing financial assistance so this arrangement can continue. I would contact them and explain the placement is in danger of breaking down due to the financial strain you are being placed under, ask them for a child in need assessment and tell them that you want to look into kinship fostering.

Good luck, and well done again for all the love and support you’ve shown your sister!

Thank you so much for all the kind comments and suggestions :)

Unfortunately the bedroom is not big enough to split, they have bunk beds in there at the moment, but I hadn't thought of putting a sofa bed in the living room, I'll definitely give that some more thought. I'm also considering saying that pocket money stops once she's 16 as then she's reasonably old enough to get a Saturday job or something for her pocket money.

I've checked if we are entitled to tax credits with an extra child, but we're not. Although I hadn't heard about the 16 to 19 bursary so will be looking into that for her.

I've just emailed SS and been more specific about needing a child in need assessment with a view to formalising kinship foster care, so thank you for that suggestion @Beresford :) I'm crossing my fingers for a better response from them this time!

I don't know about finances of these things but Foster careers get about 300+ per week and some do absolute basics with that.
I think I'd be playing hard ball and saying situation is not sustainable without some funds.

She won't go back to mum so then it's Foster care.

I'd also ask ss to intervene over the passport and get it back.

I'd then go everywhere asking for info on funds even local mp.

Your saving ss and council 300+ a week by taking her... Something should be available to you

You're doing a really good thing, OP. I know it's difficult just now, but your sister will be grateful in future for you supporting her just now. It could make all the difference to her future prospects.

I'm another one who sleeps in the long in order for the kids to have their own space, it's really not so bad once you get past the weird feelings about not having your own room. Absolutely get back onto SS about practical support, You're doing a good job and there's nothing wrong with needing support.

My kinship carer child was very young when I started caring for her, but I also found SW support dropped to zero once I had the residence order in my hands. That bit of paper didn't make a difference to the upheaval we all felt for a while!

Best of luck x

Sleep in the lounge* !

Social services should help yoù, they always try to wriggle out of it.
Report passport missing if you want to get a new one. Is there any grant for college?

OP, you sound like a wonderful person.
What a huge sacrifice you are making.

I would also think you have to play very hard ball with social services.

I would think you need to suggest they find a foster care placement for your sister as you simply cannot afford it any longer.

Hopefully if they see you mean business they will step up and assist you.

Good luck.

Some teens in lower income families can get a monthly payment for going to school. It's called EMA and they can get it once they are 16. It's supposed to cover things like the cost of trips and bus fares etc so that they are not forced to leave school too soon. Your sister might be eligible given her circumstances.

Can't help with the bed situation, sorry but have a look into your sister applying for universal credit in her own right when she is 16. My niece was 17 and came to live with me whilst still in fulltime education. We got SS involved due to the abuse she had suffered at home. When they came I stated that I could not be held financially responsible for her (obviously I was supporting her at the time) and they helped her apply. She was successful and getting this meant she was also eligible for the higher rate bursary at college. Learning to manage her own finances has encouraged her to find partime work and move into a rented room whilst she waits to start uni but for the eighteen months she was with me it was really helpful to know she had UC to rely on.

So I emailed SS Sunday night being more specific this time about a child in need assessment with a view to formalising kinship fostering. This letter came in today's post

They basically do not give a shit and won't give a shit unless I kick her out which they know I'm not gonna do

PS - thank you for all the further comments and suggestions. I briefly looked into the UC suggestion and will definitely try to help her pursue that once she's 16, along with some of the other things mentioned. I've given up on the passport thing though, don't have the energy to add that to the list right now

@OffTheShelf it’s a strange letter to receive as it hasn’t addressed your request at all. Please have a look on the website below, it explains how to organise kinship fostering - you are still allowed to request they formally assess you as a kinship carer (even in a private arrangement such as yours where social services were not involved in the initial placement). If they refuse to assess you, they must give the reason why. Similarly, if they refuse a child in need assessment they must tell you why. Sorry they are being so unhelpful/unsympathetic towards you. childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/family-and-friends-care/

If you have the energy, I would escalate to the Director of Children’s Services. Their response is inadequate and in my experience you need to kick up a fuss to be heard.

www.hants.gov.uk/aboutthecouncil/governmentinhampshire/chiefofficers

I was in a similar suitation at 16, I was living with relatives and was kicked out, I was still in school and social services just did not want to know or support, I was even told that once you are 16, social services will not help you. I was super super fortunate as a friends mum took me in but looking back, I realize how hard it must have been for her and how selfish I was at times. So I realize how hard it must be for you and how torn you must be. Maybe you can find her a supported housing scheme once she turns 16, that way she will get some sort of support and living allowance and you can still help her from a distance and see her through college. Some colleges even have special accommodation for children with struggling family suitation. I really feel for you and been in a similar suitation, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you can try to look at supported housing schemes for young people or colleges with accommodation for 16 year Olds.