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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to find this comment from a colleague odd?

51 replies

KitKat1985 · 07/07/2019 15:57

Male colleague: I didn't sleep well last night, it was so hot.
Me: Yeah I was really hot last night too.
Male colleague: Yeah well you shouldn't have been having sex all night then.

I have never mentioned sex in any prior conversation. I didn't really reply but it felt an odd 'joke' to make. AIBU?

OP posts:
EvaHarknessRose · 07/07/2019 17:21

Write a note of it/send yourself an email about it and then if you have to report him in future you have contemporaneous evidence of this. Then forget about it he was probably trying to make you feel uncomfortable, it is not funny or great.

Isleepinahedgefund · 07/07/2019 17:27

I think you need to deal with these things in the moment - say something immediately as to how you find it unacceptable to say such things.

A guy at work did something similar the other day, I took it as an attempt to find out if I’m interested in someone who isn’t him.

He made a series of very inappropriate comment about a meeting I was having with “another man”. (More to it than that but it would be very outing)

Now the difference here is that I do like my colleague, very much in fact and we do get along very well with lots of banter between us. This I felt was crossing a line and I told him so in no uncertain terms, including pointing out that if we didn’t get on I’d have gone to his manager and made a complaint, and the fact that I wasn’t going to complain wouldn’t mean that someone else wouldn’t - if I’d don’t want to hear it then neither does anyone else.

I think he just got carried away because he desperately wants to know if i am “up to something” because he would like to be “up to something” with me! But it was important to pull him up on it in the moment.

AlexaAmbidextra · 07/07/2019 17:48

Ok, so he made an unfunny and possibly offensive remark. All these people saying report to HR, report to his manager. Are we, as women really so pathetic that we can’t deal like knobs like this? If he continues or it escalates then of course he needs to be dealt with but a one-off comment? Report? Really?

highdo · 07/07/2019 17:50

Probably a misguided (and definitely inappropriate) joke. Like you I'd be concerned about what reporting it would lead to in terms of giving accounts etc. I'd try to avoid one to one conversations with him in future and keep an eye on future interactions though.

HollowTalk · 07/07/2019 17:52

I'd want it on record, though I know HR wouldn't act on it. If he carries on doing it then report it each time.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 07/07/2019 17:56

DH works with someone like that.
I'm honestly surprised he hasn't been sacked from what I've heard. Do report op, regardless of being alone.

popehilarious · 07/07/2019 17:59

This sounds like the sort of shit joke my brother would make (to someone he knows well, tbf). His jokes always fall flat and smack of trying to be funny.

At work it's very inappropriate though. I'd hopefully say something at the time like giving him a baffled/disgusted look and asking him what he's talking about.

Pinktinker · 07/07/2019 17:59

Gross and creepy.

Sn0tnose · 07/07/2019 18:27

Are we, as women really so pathetic that we can’t deal like knobs like this? If he continues or it escalates then of course he needs to be dealt with but a one-off comment? Report? Really?

A few years ago I would have agreed with you but, haven’t we been dealing with this shit for centuries? Everything from ignoring it, laughing it off, giving as good as we get, trying to have a rational conversation with them or telling them off? And what difference has it made? Sweet fuck all! Aren’t you sick of it?

These fuckers don’t listen until it’s either another man telling them to stop it or they’ve got something to lose. Do you think women walking past building sites now get shouted at less than in the past because the men working there had an epiphany and realised it wasn’t ok anymore? No, they were told that they could lose their jobs if they did so (and only because building companies were worried about losing contracts, not because they gave a shit about women being shouted at).

So yes, report them every single time. Let them see that there are consequences to being inappropriate. Even if the thought of consequences is the only thing that stops them, it just needs to stop.

bingbongnoise · 07/07/2019 19:07

@AlexaAmbidextra

Are we, as women really so pathetic that we can’t deal like knobs like this? If he continues or it escalates then of course he needs to be dealt with but a one-off comment? Report? Really?

ODFOD. Hmm

You have clearly NEVER been harassed by any man, or you would not be spouting this utter bile!

@Sn0tnose

A few years ago I would have agreed with you but, haven’t we been dealing with this shit for centuries? Everything from ignoring it, laughing it off, giving as good as we get, trying to have a rational conversation with them or telling them off? And what difference has it made? Sweet fuck all! Aren’t you sick of it?

These fuckers don’t listen until it’s either another man telling them to stop it or they’ve got something to lose. Do you think women walking past building sites now get shouted at less than in the past because the men working there had an epiphany and realised it wasn’t ok anymore?

No, they were told that they could lose their jobs if they did so (and only because building companies were worried about losing contracts, not because they gave a shit about women being shouted at)

So yes, report them every single time. Let them see that there are consequences to being inappropriate. Even if the thought of consequences is the only thing that stops them, it just needs to stop.

AMEN to this! ^ Report the fuckers every last time. Who the hell do they think they are? How DARE they speak to women like this? There are loads of rules in place in the workplace now, and there's a very good reason for that; because women no longer wished to be treated like objects, who are there only to be mocked, vilified, and harassed by men, and for the entertainment of men.

Mammalian · 07/07/2019 19:11

Gross! very weird thing to say

cardibach · 07/07/2019 19:15

Silence is powerful in this sort of situation. Be very still, and just look at him until he looks uncomfortable, then say ‘could you repeat that, please?’ He!ll back-pedal like a loon.

AlexaAmbidextra · 07/07/2019 19:36

ODFOD. hmm. You have clearly NEVER been harassed by any man, or you would not be spouting this utter bile!

bingbong. Well you can FO yourself actually as you know nothing about me. I’ve been sexually assaulted on more than one occasion and harassed numerous times over the years. And I stand by what I said. Save the reporting for cases of actual harm and not silly remarks from dickheads.

bingbongnoise · 07/07/2019 19:46

@AlexaAmidextra

Biscuit
Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2019 19:51

I don't understand why you didn't tell him how grossly inappropriate his comment was when he said it. Arseholes like this need to be told off. What a creep.

DontTouchMyCurls · 07/07/2019 20:26

I don't think AlexaAmbidextra said anything biscuit worthy. I know blokes that would say something just like this. Idiotic, misguided...if it happens more than once then report him, but an off the cuff attempt at trying to be funny isn't harassment...

bingbongnoise · 07/07/2019 20:49

@DontTouchMyCurls

Biscuit
AlexaAmbidextra · 07/07/2019 21:15

DontTouchMyCurls. Ignore the child. I have. 🙄

ExpeditionEverest · 07/07/2019 23:58

That comment would have incensed me. He would have got a piece of my mind.

I suggest next time it happens, you tell him that he needs to watch his bloody mouth, don't stay silent, he needs to be put in his place (then report him)

MillicentMartha · 08/07/2019 00:34

Report it. Whether it’s believed or not, acted upon or not, it should be recorded so it he does it again with someone else maybe, there’s a record that this wasn’t a one off. It’s building a picture for HR.

MillicentMartha · 08/07/2019 00:34

*if he does it again

Patroclus · 08/07/2019 00:44

He set it up with his original comment, so its pervy shit rather than a blurted out remark.

Hithere12 · 08/07/2019 01:24

That’s so creepy. What a weirdo. I don’t really have any advice except avoid him if you can and if he talks like this again be very Hmm wtf about it

Tavannach · 08/07/2019 01:47

You have to call him out on that sort of talk. It's just not acceptable.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2019 02:04

C-R-E-E-P-Y. How sad.