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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset and furious that his reaction was to laugh.

27 replies

ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 14:03

My brother who lives in another continent is over with his kids. He always disappoints me in his selfish behaviour. My parents particularly my mother look to me to always keep the relationship going so there is lots of emotional pressure. I have had a hell of a year with separation, moving to a new area, getting ehcp for my son with asd and place in school etc etc. My son has very verbal very anxious and intense autism. He is an absolute joy and wonder but his obsessive need to label things and have me repeat them and his anxiety related to this means my life is very hard as I cannot have any mental space or rest and we cannot do anything normal . Everything is a struggle including msnaging others reactions. We are very isolated. We saw my brother and his kids today and as his daughter was giggling at some of my sons behaviour I tried to tell my brother about some of my sons anxious labelling and what it means and how he and his kids might react in a helpful way. I thought perhaps I shouldn’t as he always disappoints me but I thought I would try . Stupid me. He laughed as I described my sons behaviour and then when I was upset at this reaction which also stopped me continuing to tell him how he might help, he told me laughing was “ better than being miserable” and he was laughing just as you do at the funny things kids do so it was ok???? They have now all gone to the fair- the fair we can’t go to because my sons behaviour is too difficult.

OP posts:

Stressedout10 · 07/07/2019 14:10

He's a complete twat 🤬
for you and your ds

Ninkaninus · 07/07/2019 14:13

He’s a twat. I don’t think you should give in to pressure to keep the relationship going any more than you actually want to.

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 14:16

Ok thanks because people are always making me feel like my reactions are invalid and I don’t want to upset my mum by falling out but I’m also sick of pretending things are ok and accepting all the pressure of getting on well. I am fed up men never listening to me, interrupting me, dismissing abc minimising what I say and making out any reaction is an emotional over reaction. I
Not miserable about my son - since he was born I have felt like I can’t believe he is mine but he is intensively demanding and it’s hard for me and balancing his needs with my other small child with no support, elderly parents, a separation and my brother who I never see and who I haven’t seen over what has been the hardest time of my life reacts like this. I wanted to tell him I didn’t expect or want him to be miserable but between laughing in my face and being miserable is something called a mature and empathetic response that I would expect from my brother.

OP posts:

Ninkaninus · 07/07/2019 14:20

I totally get what you’re saying. Stop playing along with that expectation. You are definitely not in the wrong in asserting yourself and your own needs!

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 14:21

He laughed? What a horrible man he is.

for you OP. You're not wrong.

Do you have RL support? Someone to talk to, agencies involved with your DS? It sounds like you're feeling really isolated and exhausted (understandably, I have 3 autistic kids so I get it, I really do).

Your brother is a dickhead.

krustykittens · 07/07/2019 14:24

He's a cunt and he will raise his kids to be the same way. Fuck him off, OP, you don't need people like this in your life. Who cares if he is your brother? Just your mother, it seems.

FriarTuck · 07/07/2019 14:47

He’s a twat. I don’t think you should give in to pressure to keep the relationship going any more than you actually want to.
This ^^. If your DM wants you to maintain a relationship with him then maybe she could take it upon herself to educate him. You should suggest that.

Leakinglikeacolander · 07/07/2019 14:52

He sounds like a pillock.
I also think your parents are putting too much pressure on you and it's about time others started taking on the responsibility of nurturing a harmonious relationship, not just you.

WhatsInAName19 · 07/07/2019 15:00

We have a situation that has parallels to yours within our family. It's all very long-winded and boring, but essentially DH is under the same kind of emotional pressure that you describe to make allowances for his brother's behaviour or being pressured not to question certain behaviour from his brother (oftentimes for BIL's own sake and coming from a place of concern). This pressure is largely coming from MIL. My DH has struggled for years with it, because he very much views it as her saying "I couldn't give a shit if you're upset, what's really important is that you don't upset BIL by reacting to the things he does". Consequently we are now extremely low contact with that whole side of the family and none of them seem arsed in the slightest. It's been extremely hurtful for DH but he is low contact for self preservation really.

I haven't really got any advice to offer. DH did try to talk to his mum (was sadly unsuccessful) - maybe you could do this with whoever is pressuring you? But it's a horrible position to be in and you have my sympathy. On a positive note, the way you talk about your son is really lovely. You sound like a wonderful little team, even if it's hard work for you

LauderSyme · 07/07/2019 15:02

He's immature and unkind, and that's being diplomatic. It's outrageous that he is teaching his children to deride and mock disability. Your feelings are completely reasonable.

Your mother is wrong to ignore your emotional needs in favour of maintaining some happy families myth and I think you will have to explain this to her. Things sound very hard for you and your wonderful boy and I hope you will find a support network as you settle in

SrSteveOskowski · 07/07/2019 15:36

YANBU OP. Your brother's reaction was horrible. I have a brother who sounds exactly like him. A horrible selfish shit who I never get any support from either.
I wouldn't even bother with him OP. Just concentrate on your little boy. Unfortunately your brother's kids will probably grow up to be as selfish and self centered as him, but that'll be his problem not yours.

TwistyTop · 07/07/2019 15:37

Sounds like you have a stressful life OP. Ask yourself honestly - does keeping these relatives happy make you more or less stressed? If I were in your shoes I think I'd stop worrying about upsetting others and living up to your mum's expectations and just focus on your own kids. They can be part of that if they want to but it can be on your terms. When your brother is so horrible you should tell him to get stuffed.

SusieOwl4 · 07/07/2019 15:42

how old are his children? old enough to understand and behave appropriately ? If so I think I would be messaging and saying how disappointed you are that he finds your childs medical condition amusing and how you found his reaction and lack of empathy very hurtful . You were trying to help his children behave in an appropriate way and if he can not find a way to move forward so that you feel more supported so you can enjoy your life then perhaps it is best if you don't meet up anymore?

I am not saying you should say all of the above because only you know the full family dynamics but in your position I would want to say something tbh.

Rachelover40 · 07/07/2019 16:30

Your bruv was hurtful, should have told his daughter, quietly, that it's rude to laugh at people, how else will she learn. Instead he affirmed her! Stupid man, why didn't his wife say something or is she the same? In her shoes I'd have been really embarrassed.

You have enough on your plate without having to worry about your brother. Hope you move on from this quickly.

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 17:29

It gets worse I’ve just had an email from my dad saying my brother also has asd which is rubbish and so undermining to me . I just don’t want to talk to any of them.

OP posts:

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 18:14

How can I explain why this lightly excusing him saying he has asd too
Is so Offensive? I just said he was not
But just a selfish, immature, entitled
arse.

OP posts:

DecomposingComposers · 07/07/2019 18:19

Why would your dad say your brother has asd if he doesn't? Has he been diagnosed?

LauderSyme · 07/07/2019 18:20

I think you nailed it in your reply OP. Follow your gut and just stay away from them all for a while. You have enough on your plate.

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 19:11

No he’s not been diagnosed with anything. He’s an academic. Fine socially although not popular no real social anxieties just oblivious to the needs of others most of the time but in a selfish wally way not asd. Asd is very different and very difficult and to treat it lightly like this as some excuse for insensitivity is pretty low in my opinion.

OP posts:

DecomposingComposers · 07/07/2019 19:29

That's very weird of your dad then. Why is he trying to diagnose someone like that?

If I were you I would step away from them all for a while.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 19:30

Asd is very different and very difficult and to treat it lightly like this as some excuse for insensitivity is pretty low in my opinion

Your opinion is spot on OP.

Would it be ok if he'd laughed at the way a child with cerebral palsy walked?

Or the way a child with an amputation ate their food?

No.

But it's apparently fine for your brother to laugh at your child for something he can't help?

OP I'm sorry your family are so crap

surgery246 · 07/07/2019 19:37

Perhaps your parents see traits of your sons behaviour in your brother as a child hence their view. ASD does portray in many different ways and being an academic does not preclude it. He may well have learnt to mask it in most situations. Good luck.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 07/07/2019 19:40

Since when is mocking someone for a disablity a trait of autism?

Only on fucking MN.

He laughed at a child, after his own children laughed at the wee boy.

Next you'll be diagnosing them because they laughed.

OP you're not wrong. Please keep telling yourself that. Families can be really difficult, mine deny autism even exists (oh the irony!).

Don't let them grind you down.

For the record autism can cause socially inappropriate behaviour, it does not, has never and never will cause deliberately cruel behaviour.

The sooner people stop peddling that myth the better.

JamesBlonde1 · 07/07/2019 19:46

What we're you describing your boy does OP?

Original poster

ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 21:57

I know there is a spectrum and one can have an academic job but I also know autism, have read lots and seen lots and my brother showers nine of my sons traits as a child. I was the one who had difficult behaviours not him. He has a bipolar diagnosis and is a recovered alcoholic but he’s not autistic. That’s just my dad trying to excuse his lack of appropriate response,m. He is definitely unusual but not autistic. I find it offensive because my son suffers with his anxieties she repetitive behaviours and they are things that people often think are cute or funny but they are not to is because when you are having up explain a behaviour to the 20 th parent in a playground whilst making sure your child gets what he needs to not get very distressed and react politely to the response of strangers often unhelpful it is not cute or funny.

OP posts:

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