To be convinced he doesn't fancy me?

[TuesdayAfter]

I thought I just had a higher sex drive than DH, but now I'm convinced it's because he just doesn't - and maybe never has - fancied me.

He never initiates sex, it's never been passionate, he refuses to do any oral sex (I accepted this as I appreciate everyone has their preferences).

Sex is boring. The same every time. Once a month IF I'm lucky, initiated by me. I've tried toys, outfits, porn - it just feels awkward with him. He makes no effort really.

He's healthy, fit, doesn't watch porn and if he does masterbate it must be in the shower because I don't know when he'd have the chance otherwise, we work together so we're together a lot.

He's never touched me like he wants me, you know? He'd rather cuddle or hold hands. He hates kissing too. Or rather, hates kissing me.

I feel so fucking unattractive.

Some people aren't as sexual as others OP. Was it always like this or was it more frequent in the early days?

How old is he?

It's always been like it, really.

I used to be overweight so I thought it was that but I'm physically better looking now and he's still not interested.

I hoped to build self esteem up by losing weight and getting fitter but it's still rock bottom.

Sounds like you just have different sex drives.

Has he ever had a hormone check?

Has he settled into marriage for some reason, do you think? Is he secretly gay?

I think as your self esteem gets better, you'll end your marriage.

He had a great deal of checks for something unrelated and his hormones are all fine, he's in full health. Forgot to say - he's mid 40s. It does seem a lot lower the past two years.

Maybe we do just have different drives; I can't help but take it personally.

How is everything else in the relationship?

I’ve been in a sexless marriage where you feel like a pest. I’m now in one where he wants me absolutely as much as I want him and OH MY GOD it was worth the decade I spent alone in between them. You have to decide if you can love like this forever.

Perhaps you should talk to him about it? It sounds like he just isn't hugely into sex, rather than it being about you, but you won't know unless you ask.

Life is too short for shit sex, OP. I'd run a mile.

OP some people do have low-non existant sex drives. As a result they won't be attracted to you, but you can't take it personally - they aren't attracted to anyone. Of course whether you want to live with it is another thing.

I'm had both extremes. My ex was a sex maniac. He was attracted to me, which was nice, but it was more than that - he was turned on by any women or anything vaguely reminiscent of a women/sex (like two circles drawn that sort of symbolise boobs). It wasn't because of any great personal qualities I had.

My DH has no sex drive. He isn't attracted to me or any women. He has never complimented my appearance and isn't turned on by me. I try not be upset by this as it isn't personal.

I don't like this but I prefer it to being constantly pestered and borderline sexually harassed by ex.

Something in the middle would be nice.