Ex introducing new partner already?

[ElouiseW]

Just looking some reasonable, sensible words of wisdom to help me get through what has actually been the hardest thing to deal with since splitting with my ex partner.

I broke things off with my ex-fiance in January of this year, 1 month after the birth of our second daughter. First daughter is 2 years old. It wasn't a great relationship for many reasons which I won't go into but we have been in and out of court since.

Over the last week I've heard from multiple people that he has a new girlfriend who has been in and out of the house we both shared and visiting his family. My only concern with all of this is the girls and whether or not he has or is planning to introduce them to the new girlfriend already. I think it is far too soon to be considering this and far too confusing for our two year old especially.

He is planning a holiday next month for the two year old and himself apparently, going to a place he and his family have holidayed for years and I am sick to my stomach that he might be bringing the new girlfriend along with our child. I feel ill about it. I think it's too early to be introducing a new partner after only a few months and with so much upheaval for the girls already why would he want to add this to the mix...

I can't even broach the topic with him because things are so volatile at the monent and his immediate childish response will be to just say "it's none of your business!". His 'personal' life certainly isn't my business and the less I know the better but when it directly involves our children I think I deserve to have some say/information at the very least?

Shouldn't he be discussing this with me in the sense that it should be handled in a certain way?
Am I being unreasonable?

I understand why this would feel crap, and yes, if he was reasonable he'd probably have the discussion with you. But he isn't obligated to.

In terms of the confusion for a child, I agree in a lot of circumstances that would be the case. But when they're as young as yours, I don't think it applies in the same way as they don't understand adult relationships or the difference between a relationship and a friendship. My nearly 3 year old meets my friends, some of them he sees regularly, others less so. It doesn't confuse him and he wouldn't have a clue if one of them was a partner

It would be good if he discussed it with you but it sounds like it won't be happening and you will have to prepare yourself for her being involved. In a way it will be better if it becomes serious as then it won't be a revolving door of women. As the above poster says, a 2 year old probably won,'t fully understand she is his partner anyway. If she is meeting family etc it could be this has been going on longer than you realise anyway so she isn't that new

I met my now-DH's kids in the December of a year that they'd split up in the July of. (So similar time frame as you, and for them/us it felt like the split was loooong over and done with.)

DH's exW was fine with it (though he didn't feel he needed to ask her permission beforehand). I guess she trusted him to make a sensible decision when it came to the kids and wouldn't have just done it willy nilly. I'm not sure if you feel your ex is the same, but hopefully so.

Anyway back to his kids - youngest was 2.5 year old at the time so again similar to your DD - I've been a part of her life as long as she can remember and it's the norm for her. She's not been adversely affected in any way.

'they' in first paragraph refers to DH & his ex , not the kids obviously!!

Yes it's too much too soon and it is very selfish of him if that's what he's planning. The fact that a 2 year old may or may not "seem fine" is no indication of whether they actually are or not. But unfortunately there is nothing you can do. You can't insist on these kind of boundaries and you can't make him into a great dad. All you can do is continue to be the best mum you can, pick up the pieces if required and concentrate on the portions of their lives that you do influence. I mean this kindly - if you don't learn to let go of the things you can't control then you are in for decades of anxiety and misery. Obviously if you fear for their safety that's a different story.

Thanks for the replies - I know you all speak the truth and I just needed to hear it from other folks.

I'm glad to hear from others who've been through it, that my 2yr old shouldn't really pick up on anything different going on as there are always other adults/friends around... but I worry about her seeing them sleeping together in the house or on this holiday. I guess a massive part of me also hates the idea of another woman spending quality time with my girls but I am trying my best to think that having another adult around who can help my ex cope with the kids on his own and how will hopefully love my children, can only be a positive thing. But at this stage it's still a bitter pill to swallow.

I feel like unless he was seeing this woman before we broke up - which I never had thoughts about before - he either must have started seeing her immediately in January to warrant introducing her to family and the kids at this stage or else he's just completely selfish and oblivious to being a little more respectively to the situation.

I'm overcome with all sorts of emotions.

As if being in the midst of contact hearings, non-molestation orders and and buying us out of the family home is not enough, I can't quite believe he has made it an actual priority to start up a new romance and introduce the kids to a new partner.