To want to leave my husband

[jjjx3]

First time poster on here so please be gentle...

I am thinking of leaving my husband and would appreciate some outside opinions.

For background we have been married for 4 years and together for 8...I have a daughter in her late teens from a previous relationship and we live in our own home.

For the past year or so I have been increasingly lonely. I work as a senior manager in a job which I love but can sometimes take up much of my time. In addition to most of my friends and family I am the fixer so any issues/ problems/ admin they come to me to solve whilst no one ever asks/ cares if I'm ok.

My husband is great if I ask him to do anything he will but it's the things I don't ask that are part of the problem. He seems to be blind to mess, weeds, washing, ironing, cleaning etc but if I point things out to him he will go ahead and give them a go. At times, things are done in a slap dash manner so I then have to go back and do them again ie ironing, cleaning so a lot of the time I just do things myself to save arguments (him frustrated that I have 'high standards' me frustrated that he doesn't put the effort in). I think part of the reason why he is like this is because his mum used to do everything for him

Another major factor is I am no longer attracted to him both physically and emotionally :(his outlook on life is majorly negative and he can be very opinionated to the point of being rude to friends/ family/ strangers. Our sex life is pretty much non existent as he seems to think this is my duty as a loyal wife which just kills the passion when having to do it 'because it's the weekend' for example

I am just so unhappy and lost atm and don't know what to do. I appreciate that these may not be the biggest of issues in a marriage but I am sick of pretending to the world that everything is alright. I want us to be happy together, I want him to be happy but neither of us are! I don't think we are bad people, just not right for each other. We are late 20s early 30s and I don't want this to be our life. Aibu to give up on a marriage and possibly ruin my family? I just don't know what to do

Thank you if you have read this far...iv probably made no sense but have no one else to talk to

We are late 20s early 30s and I don't want this to be our life.

I have a daughter in her late teens from a previous relationship

Im having trouble with the maths on this

You're not alone MyOpinion. Unless OP had her daughter when she was 12 but that would be a hell of a drip feed

That’s what I thought too but she could have had a baby at 14?

Have you spoken to your husband about your unhappiness OP? Consider writing him a letter explaining yourself your unhappiness but try doing it without blaming him. Just state facts without your own analysis of the situation/assignment of blame.

Life's too short - if you're unhappy - it's not fair on either of you to stay if you think nothing will change. I wonder if the reason you not longer attracted to him is due to a lack of intimacy (emotional) continuing to grow - sometimes when we disconnect emotionally we disconnect physically too - so it may not be your fault? x

On the assumption you've fudged ages to make it less identifiable and it's gone a bit wrong...

Our sex life is pretty much non existent as he seems to think this is my duty as a loyal wife which just kills the passion when having to do it 'because it's the weekend' for example

"Having to"? Nobody has to have sex. What happens if/when you refuse?

Either way, you've detailed manipulation, coercion, intimidation, and disrespect. Why would you stay?

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Apologies for any confusion in ages...he's late 20s I'm early 30s

Op I was just coming on to suggest you might be the older partner in the marriage. How funny the assumptions that get made.
Life's too short to be miserable. You're a long time dead. if this isn't working then of course split and look forward to better times.

Thank you all for your responses.

We have had a number of conversations on issues and have tried to work through but nothing seems to change.

I am a firm believer that life is too short to be unhappy which is why I am even considering leaving.

@canary19 sometimes when we disconnect emotionally we disconnect physically too that's not something I had considered so thank you do you think this is something you can get back?

@regmover thank you for your comments...I want better times for us all

I just don't want to give up if I am being trivial and anyone had ideas on making things better?

As in my original post I know that these are not the worst issues a marriage can have but I know how I feel...and that's sad

The bit that tells me you would be better leaving is when you say you are no longer attracted to him physically or emotionally - this once lost rarely comes back. The part about his lack of using initiative wouldn’t be a major thing tbh, as a lot of men don’t do some chores without being asked. You’re still young enough to start again with someone else. Life is too short to hitch yourself to someone you no longer love.

Some counselling maybe? If only to satisfy yourself your issues are not fixable. If it’s clear you’re definitely no longer attracted to him or no longer want to be with him leave him and move on with your life.

What attracted you to each other in the first place? There must have been something there?

When he fucks up on housework, don't fix it for him. Tell him to do it properly!

I think it rarely coms back - I often think though its a real sign that you know deep down other things are wrong - if they cant be fixed then it's unlikely you'd feel attraction again. i once felt a feeling of sickness about an ex whenever i thought about having sex with him - he turned out to be a real mean guy - he was masking to be a nice guy - my body sensed it - there is a reason you feel like this maybe? x