Wedding invitations to in-laws' in-laws

[ErskineChilders]

I am a long-time lurker and need some impartial advice. I went out with three friends last night and they all agreed with me but I want a second opinion.

I have three brothers. One brother has been married since I was a child so I have known my sister-in-law’s parents and siblings for over a decade and a half. Her younger sister was a year above me at school.

Second brother met my other sister-in-law through a family member and my DP by sheer coincidence is in the same sport team as my sister-in-law’s brother. We live in a city but it’s small.

Third brother stayed in the town where he went to university and lives with his partner of four years, a really nice woman. I do not know her very well, I see her maybe two or three times a year.

I am getting married in a few months. My parents are helping out as are my in-laws but we are marrying on a shoestring. Numbers are tight and it is not an extravagant wedding.

Sisters-in-Law 1 and 2 both have roles in the wedding and their families are all invited.

Well Future sister-in-law 3 happened to be around last weekend; I had not seen her for 7 months and Sister-in-Law 2 came in with her children and had ‘a message’ from her mother about my wedding....future sister-in-law 3 then realises that we are inviting the other sisters-in-laws’ families and that the other two have a role. She then assumes her family are invited. I have never met them. My own mother very briefly has met her mother once when she was staying with my brother and she popped in.

I do not want people that I do not know at my wedding and money is tight. I just changed the subject and said nothing directly but clearly she has said something to Brother 3 and he has now kicked off about his partner not having a role and how his in-laws are not invited. I have met brother’s partner a handful of times and have never met her family which consists of parents, step-parents, two siblings, two siblings-in-law and three nieces and nephew- 11 people.

What would you do?

Say no it's your wedding you don't invite people you don't know . Tell dB it's not his wedding .

I’d politely remind DB you don’t know them and aren’t inviting strangers to your wedding. When he marries he obviously will have them there (assuming not married or else you’d have met them at the wedding)

I also invite my SIL In-laws to events but not my DB In-laws as I’ve never met them

Future sister-in-law has made some stupid assumptions. Your brother needs to point out your long-standing friendships with your other sisters-in-law and their families. You do not need to do anything or change any of your plans.

Tell him to get a grip

I think when parents invited it was polite and usual to invite your in laws inlaws. Certainly happened at ours.

Being pedantic but isnt it your in-laws' immediate family, not her in-laws? I would still not invite though!

Hi bro, just to clarify, we're only inviting people we know and are close to to the wedding. As you know, I've know X for y amount of years and that's why they're included. Obviously we can't invite everyone, hope that helps clarify things a bit better.

Yanbu but it's a tricky one. Perhaps you could ask brother and future sil for some getting to know meetings and offer her a small role? Ushering with your brother? Also then explain over coffee on how you are longtime friends with the other families but don't have the space to invite people you have never met.
I would try to smooth it over if possible.

You shouldn't have dodged the question when asked directly.

Call your brother, don't allow it to go though parents.

Tell the truth, you've got nothing to feel guilty about. If he starts having a go, tell him you're not having people you don't know at your wedding. He can't argue with that

Seriously I have no clue why people think they have any right to dictate who someone else invites to their wedding. My MIL did that at BIL and SIL’s wedding, hence DH and I doing it in secret and inviting nobody.

You know when you said to us "I do not want people that I do not know at my wedding and money is tight." ?

Say that to them. Kindly, but say it.
It's your wedding, not theirs & as they do not know you, they are obsessing about status, not about sharing your day.

"I'm sorry, but there are people I know well and like, who I can't afford to invite. That makes me sad. So inviting people I've never met is out of the question."

You definitely should go with what @mussolini9 said (quoting yourself). The facts are:

1. You barely know her.
2. You’ve never met her family.
3. Respecting their relationship means inviting her to the wedding. Beyond that, she’s not engaged or married to your brother, nor do they share any children. Maybe she’s your future sister-in-law, or maybe they break up tomorrow. I mean, after four years, he’s made no attempt to introduce your families before now? Who know what he’s thinking, but it definitely means you don’t need to invite them. Tell him he should have built the relationship between your families in the last four years if he was so worried about it, but it’s not your responsibility or problem.

hence DH and I doing it in secret and inviting nobody.

Hurrah for you & yur part@Eminybob!
I genuinely struggle to understand much of the wedding angst on MN.
It's about you & your intended, not a stage production of mega proportions.

Too much money, too much time & effort, too much bad behaviour.
I think many couples would be a lot happier just sneaking off into the sunset, & spending the cash saved on a fab honeymoon & a practical investment like house deposit.

FFS "yur part" = "your partner".

You have invited people who are in-laws in-laws but also in your social circles. Invitations do not need to be symmetrical.

At our wedding my DH invited his parents' cousins, all of whom I'd met a few times (and been hosted by and exchange Christmas cards etc with). I don't even know my parents' cousins' names. We did not invite them.

Invite the people who are important to you. If you need to you can use "numbers" as the reason for not inviting them.

Completely going against the consensus. Invite them. We are not logical creatures we are human beings. Your brother sees you treating someone who is exactly the same relation differently. It doesn’t occur to him that you don’t know them he is only seeing his family treating his partner and in-laws differently Please, please don’t mention the fact that they’re not married.
My mother had an identical situation 42 years ago even down to middle brother staying in university town. Two brothers’ partners were bridesmaids,middle brother’s not because she was newish and they didn’t know her. That brother actually got emotional when he saw his sisters-in-law dressed up and his partner wasn’t. Aunties asked why she was bridesmaid like the other two women who were the same relation to the bride. Well one brother is still with his wife. Guess which one? Married to a lovely woman but there is always a cold civility with my mother. They never see each other. My mother regrets it to this day. Weddings are important. Borrow the money if you have to in 10 years time it won’t matter but your brother’s feelings will.

I have one sibling, 11 years between us, I was a bridesmaid, along with sister in laws sister. I stayed at her parents house the night before the wedding. I love my sister in law to bits, but rarely see her or my brother due to distance. If (note if not when lol) I got married I would not invite her sister or parents, just as I wasn’t invited to her sisters wedding. They aren’t ‘my’ family, and I aren’t theirs. However, I would invite my ex partners sisters and brother, and their younger children would have a role. Which may seem strange, but I’m still very close to them, and see them weekly. The point being- you don’t have to invite people because of how they are related, you invite people who are important in your life, and mean something to you, no matter how strange that may seem to others lol