To be annoyed at DH asking to stay for one more drink

[Fedupatforty]

So I’m at home with 3yo and 2 month old. Usually Saturday is a family day which I look forward to as I get help with the two little ones. But today DH has gone out with his mates. Told me he’d be home by 4.
Rings me at 4.30 and says ‘the boys want me to stay for one more is that ok’ my response was ‘I’m not your keeper make your own decisions’ it really riled me that he wanted me to give him permission to stay out - I’m not his mum and he knows I’m knackered and would much prefer a hand at home.
Was that a shitty thing to say or justified? Not sure if it’s the lack of sleep and postpartum hormones making me snappy.

That would annoy me too.

Mind, I’d have flat out said no, as my permission was being asked for and I wouldn’t be inclined to give it.

It would have been less annoying (to me anyway) to have received a text “just having one more and then I’m on my way” than the passive aggressive asking.

Well he's in a lose-lose position either way in this situation. If he hadn't rung you up to ask, he'd be in the doghouse. He rang you up to ask, he's in the doghouse.

Is it the phrasing? If he'd said "I'm staying another round" would that have been any better?

I know in an ideal world he'd have kept to his word and been home by 4, not called and asked at half past when he should've been home, but if it's a one off I wouldn't be so annoyed.

YANBU he's a grown man.

He knows it's probably a bit shit and is trying to save face.

Your reply was spot on 👍🏻

@SemperIdem yes I think a text like that would have been way less annoying.

@Rtmhwales not a super regular occurrence but I have pulled him up in the past for ‘asking my permission’ for things like this.

I also hate the idea that he’s told his friends he needs to check with me before he can buy a drink!!! I like these people and don’t want them to think I’m a controlling cowbag!

Is it the fact he’s asked for permission or the fact that he clearly wants to stay out that’s annoyed you? If it’s the former, I think YABU..it’s just language and the sort of thing me and DH would say I.e not really seeking permission just checking in and making sure there’s no immediate need to come home.

He asks permission to make you the bad guy, regardless.

If you say, “no”- then you become the fun police & he rolls his eyes and moans to his mates.

If you say, “yes” and call him out on it later.. he’ll say, “well I asked your permission and you said yes, why are you so upset?!”

Bit of both I think. Like I said exhausted and hormonal at the mo and I know that just because I’m tied to the baby (EBF) it’s unreasonable to expect DH to be as well but doesn’t stop me being a bit resentful of his freedom!

Depends if you think he genuinely wouldn't have been bothered if you had said no. I don't see it as asking permission as more do you mind which I think is perfectly fine so long as yes I do mind was a acceptable answer.

I'd be pissed off with all of it, the lateness, the PA asking of permission.
If it was my DP him doing that would mean he'd lost his level head and would probably return a bit drunk and annoying and no help at all.
Pump some milk and have yourself a day out child free tomorrow lovely

@Countrylifeornot you’ve touched upon another nerve there. Can’t pump and have a child free day as DH has never bothered to try giving him a bottle. When I have he just wants the boob... Probably why I’m so resentful of his freedom - I have NONE.

I think YABU. He asked. If you wanted help, that was your chance to say so.
No idea what else is going on / how much of a habit this is / how often he goes out / etc etc etc, but, just going on this, he did ask, and you didn't let him know you would like him home.

I get that you feel tired with 2 little ones - but if you don't communicate that to him, you can't really be mad at him for not instinctively knowing you wanted him home.

I should post this on the "What unpopular opinions do you hold" thread

The asking permission when it’s already later than he’d said would annoy me too.

I'd be fuming. Given that he rang you half an hour AFTER when he said he'd actually be home, he'd clearly already had "one more drink" and was basically letting you know that he was now having a second "one more drink". I would have said no, get your arse back home or you'll find your bag packed on the doorstep when you do get back. And I can't even blame my hormones , I just wouldn't tolerate this rubbish. If he rang half an hour BEFORE he was due home to ask if he could stay out a bit longer, that would be an entirely different situation.

Tomorrow, he needs to try baby on a bottle, no excuses. You sound fed up, with good reason.

I think YABU poor bloke was never going to win whatever he did.

Presumably he's been at work all week? What does it matter if he stays out for another hour - it's not like he's coming in at midnight steaming (well hopefully not)

You're both grown ups - rise above it - take the moral high ground - you should have said of course darling one more won't hurt - and then you'll be able to keep that in the bank for another time. Instead you've just come across as hormonal and needy (sorry!)

Poor bloke my Arse, he got a child free day while OPdid everything.

It wasn't lose-lose. Come home at agreed time = win.

@BackforGood thank you for the balance.

Sorry for drip feeding - I did ask him to make sure he was home by half five is to help me get tea on the table for 6. He turned up at 6.15 needless to say tea is not on the table!

How often does he go out? If this was the first time all year, then I think YABU although he should have called earlier.

If my DH had been out drinking until 4pm coming home an hour later wouldn’t have bothered me since I would have assumed he wouldn’t be helping with parenting anyway as he wouldn’t be in a fit state. However, he almost never goes out and is very supportive of me having time to myself whilst he looks after the children. In a different situation, I wouldn’t be as agreeable.

But he didn't come home an hour later. It was over 2 hours later and OP had asked him to be home by 5.30 to help her with food.

That isn't just one more drink. That is taking the piss out of your wife. When does she get time to herself?