Marriage or not?!

[lizizdd]

I have been with my partner since I was 22. We got engaged when I was 23. I'm now 50. So that's 28 years with him. When he was 18 he married someone and the marriage lasted less than 3 months. He's never divorced. And TBH we've never had the money for him to do that or indeed where she actually is. I've done searches in the Scottish records office but can't find her. We've been through so much together, affairs (his, he's grown up since then and although I have no doubt he's been faithful for a very long time, I still have a tiny bit of me that doubts my thinking), bankruptcy, the terminal illness of his mum, serious assault leading to me leaving nursing and only recently being able to consider retraining. Serious sexual assault of our ADHD son by strangers, and our eldest daughter being transgender. We have five children together. Oldest is 23 youngest is 7. He has a 30 year old daughter from a relationship after his marriage and before me, we're all close to her and she has a 10 year old son, our grandson. So, our two eldest kids are engaged with weddings booked. And I'm overwhelmingly sad because I so want to be married. If I broach the subject he just laughs and says "one day" like it's a standing joke now. I don't even know now if we had enough money for him to trace her and divorce whether we would get married because we've been together so long and like he says neither of us or going anywhere. Most people think we are married we've been together that long. So AIBU by wanting to get married and preferably before my oldest children?

Have you protected yourself? Wills in place joint ownership of house, nominated beneficiary of company pensions etc?

In 28yrs you haven't had £500 to get divorced?

I find it bizarre he never divorced and that you would set up home and have multiple kids with him whilst knowing this. Have you at least protected yourself financially?

If he owns assets / life insurance and he dies, she will inherit as his wife. If he divorces her now then his assets will go in the pot to be split with her. It's no win either way after all this time.

I’m no expert but because they’ve been apart for so long, I think he can divorce her without her consent. I would also be concerned that she may be entitled to his estate should anything happen to him.

Book an appointment with a family lawyer now. First appointment just you, so that you can work on a strategy to get him to take this seriously together. Next appointment you and your partner together, so that lawyer can put in stark professional terms just what impact leaving his head buried in the sand about this matter could eventually have on his loved ones. Get wills drawn up to protect your and the children's interests and get moving on divorce on grounds of desertion (I think over 30 years is surely going to count!!).

Thanks all. No we don't have any life insurance or wills. We don't own any property and we're on a very low wage of less than £1300 per month. So really I suppose I haven't seen the point of getting any of those things. I know £500 doesn't seem like a lot but believe me when you've got bugger all it's a fortune. Any money I've ever managed to save has been used to fix a car/buy a washer or something/ bail out kids etc etc
What I really want to know is am being unreasonable by wanting to actually push for divorce and marriage now after all this time? Still don't have the £500 but I'll think about that later!

You can file for divorce without a solicitor, it’s been so long you won’t need her to sign papers or anything

Thing is, if you'd put by just £2 a month, then you'd have had the £500 long since, so I think if the desire was there, there'd have been a way.
YANBU to want to be married, but I can't help thinking that is something I'd have sorted out 28 years ago, before starting to have dc with anyone.

I know nothing about law, but can't help suspecting that there must be a time limit after which you can finalise a divorce without the agreement of the other party - especially after such a short marriage.

In Scotland we have a simplified divorce procedure which, so long as no property or kids, both parties can use by just filling in the form and swearing an affidavit. Nowhere near £500. I get that he would need to find her first but is there no equivalent in England?

If you don't where she is to serve full papers you can serve 'on the walls of court' but you have to show you've taken all steps to find her.

You honestly need to sort out your situation re wills etc though. Sorry but that's just silly. She's still his wife at the end of the day and if he dies intestate she will be entitled to inherit even if the estate is pretty small.