To do our wedding a bit differently?

[starshinemoonbeams]

My partner has always wanted the whole big wedding in a nice hotel, with pretty much everyone we know plus children invited all day and night.

I've always wanted to run off and do it on our own or possibly have a small, family only child free ceremony (except for our own children). I have a close member of my family who I can't not invite who is basically a functioning alcoholic who i'd never in a million years want near a party, divorced parents who barely tolerate each other and his lot can be as bad in other ways. Plus family at a party takes away our childcare options.

So, a compromise needs to be reached!

Opinions on this suggestion please. We will be paying for it all ourselves with the exception of 5k that my Dad has put aside for me to use for a wedding but he won't give a monkeys what we do as long as I'm happy.

Family only legal ceremony to include all members of both families and all children (approx 30 people) followed by a really lovely quiet meal all finished by early evening one day.

Maybe the following weekend (or within a couple of weeks) hire a venue and throw big evening party for friends with buffet/dj etc. Probably 50 adults. No family, no children (at all), just basically a party with our friends to celebrate getting married. No speeches, no presents required just turn up and have a good time.

Thoughts?

I would do the family lunch wedding. Scrap the party.

sounds very nice, nothing wrong with it at all.

Your quiet family meal will still involve alcohol though? so it might not be as quiet as you dream it.

No present: friends won't turn up to celebrate your wedding empty handed, people don't even turn up to a birthday party without at least a small gift. Don't ask for anything, but be prepare for vouchers or something suggestion when they do ask.

I would like to do that @AJ1425. But it's not really a fair compromise when he wants the whole big shebang I thought.

Scrap the party
why?

It sounds great, if the bride and groom wants to party with their friends, why shouldn't they?

I think that could work. But it might hurt your family and very close friends might like to see you actually get married. Tricky one

Sounds perfect.

If your friendship group is the type to like an excuse for a party, then do that.

@that25cUKHeatwaveof2019 Yes there would still be alcohol but said family member seems to be able to control themselves at something quiet like a meal and just have a couple of drinks with food (and then would go home and get utterly wrecked) like everyone else.

At a party where everyone was 'on it' so to speak, they'd end up out of control and in a real state.

I don’t think it’s that unusual to do something like that. I’ve known several couples who have done similar over the last 10 years or so. Enough certainly for me not to think it odd.

Sorry should have said sounds good go for it.

This is what our wedding was like and it was really lovely, so yes this is a great idea!

Sounds great. Having the whole ceremony, dinner, party in one day is exhausting IMO...but then I just went to the registry office with DH and 2 witnesses, dinner, pub 😁

But it might hurt your family and very close friends might like to see you actually get married.

no need, you have an strictly intimate wedding and a wide party, it's nice.

Sounds great

The evening friends only party sounds great. I'd be looking to budget for doing it every year, to mark the anniversary (but no need to tell anyone that ). #loveparties.

Lunchtime wedding and meal Inc all friends and family. Then everyone goes home. You and dh then go out with friends to a nice cocktail bar or similar.

Then everyone goes home. You and dh then go out with friends to a nice cocktail bar or similar.

I'd personally stick with different dates, to avoid all awkwardness.

Sounds great. Go for it

We are planning on going to a registry office with a couple of friends and doing all the legal stuff.

Then having a massive party in a hall or barn (I haven't got that far into my planning) a few weeks later with maybe a blessing or something so everyone can still get that bit

Your plan is a normal wedding just split over 2 weekends?

Ultimately yes @Lazypuppy but with different guests at each part!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I think the problem with that is people won't just go home and it feels a bit off and rude to say 'right well, thanks for coming, off you pop home now we're going out with this lot, see ya'.

Separate dates avoids that.

The only people I can see having an issue are future MIL and SIL. They'll be pissed off not be be invited to the party. I know they will.

As for presents, we really don't need anything. We've owned our own home for years, have two children and literally need nothing. I'd not ask for cash instead I don't like it.

Would it not work to put 'no presents please, just come and enjoy yourselves!' on the invites? We'd do the party at a venue so most people would probably want to stay over, or have to get home. That's spending enough most of our friends have young families. But before anyone yells at me for inviting them to a child free party I know my friends well enough to know that they'd kill for an excuse to party with no children, they have access to childcare plus they're blunt enough to say 'sorry can't make it' if they couldn't. It wouldn't be a wedding reception anyway. It would be an adult party.

Maybe suggested donations to a charity or something if people are really insistent on gifts I guess.

Op so you end the day time a good few hours before the night time. Say nothing about the night time. If anyone then mentions it at a later date "oh our friends surprised us by dragging us out to a bar for a surprise they arranged"

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Nah, that wouldn't fly. We couldn't do a 'surprise' night out we've got small children so would need childcare lined up.

Plus it's lying and they'd find out anyway even if I did feel comfortable doing that, which I wouldn't.

My friends did this a played the video of the wedding at the start with a slide show worked really well!

Saves guests buying new outfits and gifts

literally need nothing

I hope you get your wish in everything and especially in regards to presents. We had consolidated two households to move in together when we got married. Literally two of everything...

The request for no presents fell on deaf ears. There were serious complaints, I kid you not. In the end we picked a range of crockery and cutlery for people who insisted to choose from. We ended up with a full set. We have hardly every used it but I can't quite bring myself to get rid of it.

All very kindly meant, sigh