Family reaction to NC

[user87382294757]

I went NC with my mum due to abuse and my family are reacting in odd ways. First my SIL asked for an explanation to give my mother- after my brother said he has tried to talk with her and she has been very angry and refused to discuss it.

But then something even odder. My dad (who is divorced from my mum) has started writing to my young DC telling them how 'wonderful' my mum is - and that he has 'looked after her for many years' As they have been divorced since I was 14 this is not even true.

I do intercept their post so the DC haven;t read it, but I am so angry they are trying to guilt the DC or influence them about this 'wonderful woman'. And it also totally ignores and invalidates my own experience of how she treated me- ands reminds me of how dad would stand back and not get involved for example when she would give me the silent treatment as a child myself.

I now feel I don't trust any of them- except my brother perhaps who does understand.

Go nc with all of them apart from your brother

Yes that may be an option. He is with SIL though but could ignore / medium chill her and just discuss with him. He just says 'I totally understand why you have done it- she was really horrible to you for years'. I think SIL feels sorry for her / them and wants to make it all right. But she wasn't there was she.

Sil shouldn't be getting involved at all, he should make it clear that it isn't her business

Witches always send flying monkeys. Cut them all off and ignore all attempts to push and erode boundaries.

SIL, DB, DF etc are your M's flying monkeys. You may have to consider NC or LC

It would be easy but SIL wants the DC / their DC to be friends and wants to visit. Yes dad has also visited and said I should 'forgive' mum - so he obviously sees there is something to forgive- and I just told him that is between me and her and just changed the subject.

Your Dad was her enabler - sounds like he still is, even though they are divorced.

You going NC makes him feel and look bad as it shows him up for not protecting you. So even though it's 14 years since he split up with your mum, he wants you to play nice and pretend he was a good parent.

Everyone else - probably a mixture of being subject to your mum's abuse and the overwhelming pressure to 'don't make a scene'. If everyone can behave - which basically means bringing you into line - they can all pretend they are a naice family where abuse didn't happen.

Blaming the victim is sadly the most common reaction to abuse in families. Hope you are OK.

Thanks. It's all about keeping her happy despite the way she acts. Yes dad even tried to get me to leave university years ago to come home and 'look after her' then. It's a shame he can't seem to let go even though they are divorced and live apart. But that is his business I guess.

Mum has also been sending messages through my brother's DC- they are only young- last visit one told me Granny says to say hello, to which I just thanked the DC. But odd to do that considering the way she has treated me. I winder if this kind of thing will get worse as they get older.

I really don't like involving the DC in adult stuff. had too much of that as a child myself! Determined to protect my own DC.

There's actually no such thing as an enabling parent, they are also abusive. At best they can be described as colluding in the abuse.

That's always a tough one to realise and admit.

If you stand by and watch your child being emotionally abused and dont address it or protect them, you are causing them significant harm and also, under the law etc are abusive.

He is now carrying out the same abuse towards your children. He, in some ways, us more dangerous than her.

What you're going to to with that is upto you.

I'd go NC with both and just keep contact with your Brother.

You'll look back and realise that clinging on to your Dad has caused you damage and stopped you from moving on.

He takes you and your children right back to your childhood.

Funnily enough I had an interesting conversation with family recently where I was picked up on for something perceived as being critical of my childhood. Normally I would have swept it under the rug but this time I let the uncomfortable truth stand. I didn't back down to make the other person feel better and I was inwardly thinking 'no you made that choice and now you live with it. I'm not rewriting history to make you feel comfortable. Deal with those uncomfortable feelings rather than shoving them back on to me' . It felt very liberating and actaully made me realise how selfish people can be. They would rather you felt like shit so they don't have to.

Let your dad deal with the uncomfortable truth, he made choices as an adult that you couldn't as the child.

Just remember that parents who fail to protect their children also have them removed. That's how your Dad would have been judged by SS.

Your Dad sounds abusive as well to be honest.

Your dad writing to them is really weird. Tell him to stop. It’s inappropriate to try to persuade them how great your dm is. Your sil can have the dc visiting, no need for your dm to be involved. Why is she so determined to have you in contact with her?

Yes, it feels like dad clings to me though not the other way round. It is always him contacts me. I have no idea why these men are so submissive and why he is like this even after she divorced him. My brother also seems to be headed down the same path as well. Maybe it becomes normalised. It can make you doubt yourself when they don't seem to see the obvious.

I agree about not covering up the truth anymore. It felt too false to be playing happy families. It is a relief to be NC

Oh I don't know Cherry. Thankfully they are all miles away so don;t have to see them very often. and yes have agreed brothers family can visit with the DC to see ours, but no need for talk about other things etc. Luckily I get on well with DH's family and in laws which is nice and easier.

I think sometimes people view others through their own experiences, often forgetting that because some had gone NC over a “trivial” reason in their lives that means everyone else going NC can resolve it too. SIL probably has rosey specs on and has not yet understood not everyone has had a family dynamic like hers.

Have you had counselling at all? If not I think it would help you.

My situation was in no way as bad as yours but when I went I knew I was going to talk about my mum. It then came as a big shock to me that I spent the first few weeks talking almost exclusively about my dad - why didn't he do anything when he is so lovely?

Your dad behaves like this as it works for him - he looks good even though he wasn't. As you say, he is divorced from your mum, he couldn't live with her, so why is he still so involved in managing her affairs? Because he gets something out of it.

You see what your SIL is doing on here a lot. She wasn't there as you say and she thinks she has some responsibility to her dc to have a lovely family relationship with everyone. So she's trying to get everyone to reconcile but it isn't her place to do so. You need to sit her down and tell her to stay out of it.

Your relationship with your Mum isn't SIL or DF's business and they need to be told so.

This is not odd at all, it's exactly what you'd expect her to be doing - continuing to dictate your relationship with her and exert influence over you. You just need to make it clear to everyone else that if they continue to act as her mouthpiece, you will go NC with them as well. You need them to respect your decision.

You see what your SIL is doing on here a lot

Absolutely!

New wife from normal family moves in. She wants everyone to have good relationships with MIL, kids to see their cousins and grandparents, generally be a happy family just like she came from. So husband gets pestered to see his mother more, ignoring the signals that actually he's not that keen and he'd rather leave it.

MIL of course is delighted, she's thrilled that this new woman has come along who will put her in touch with this side of the family that she had lost control of.

A few years later, new wife is on Mumsnet as all hell has broken loose. MIL has turned out not to be a nice Granny after all, husband isn't happy, she doesn't understand what is going on when all she was trying to do was make sure her kids saw their grandparents and their cousins and her husband kept in touch with his mum, and she seemed so caring...

This is probably most of the MIL threads on Mumsnet.

Thanks yes it makes sense. Think mum was maybe influencing SIL as she saw my brother wasn't interested- I remember SIL said something about how my mum had asked her to look at some phone messages from me ages ago. So, obviously mum had tried to 'recruit' SIL and this in combination with the above. SIL has a good relationship with her mum, and emailed me this article as well which was about now people still feel sad after NC. I wish I had never discussed it with SIL I only wanted her to know as she is closer in distance in case they start bothering her. Oh well. I have found out of the FOG site which is really good also. It os good to meet other who understand. Sadly DH is also not that supportive of the NC but then his family are a bit odd also, there we go.

I actually get on OK with MIL. She had similar mum herself. She said 'Just ignore them and do what you want to do'. It is nice not to feel judgement and criticism, but have acceptance instead. And from a MIL as well