I think my husband doesn’t love me anymore

[Dystrophin345]

Hi all,

We’ve been married for 5 years. We have a son who is 2. Throughout our marriage we’ve had problems from the beginning. We’re both Asian so initially it was in laws meddling in our business (MIL mainly). That took almost 3 years to resolve and we finally managed to move out and live on our own a year ago. We haven’t argued in a while now but I feel like all the love we had faded away because of what we went through with my in laws. My husband doesn’t spend any time with me. He works from home and studies so I know he has a lot on his plate when he’s at home but if I ask him to go out with us or spend time with me, he says he’s busy or that we’re too broke to go out. But if his friends call (or cousins) he would instantly get up and go. He doesn’t talk to me when we’re home. If I talk he hardly responds. We are hardly ever intimate. He doesnt try to make conversation or try to comfort me when I’m down. If I’m honest I’m sick of it now. If we go somewhere, he just wants to get back home within an hour or two. But if he’s out with friends he comes home late. He doesn’t ever compliment me and when I do make an effort he just looks at me. The only time he makes an effort with me is when he goes out with his friends (I think he feels guilty). I’ve told him many times that I feel lonely in our marriage and that if he’s not happy then it’s better for him to leave because I’d rather be alone than with someone who resents my precense. I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for but I guess I’m just really lonely.
I lost contact with my friends and cousins that I was close with after I got married because of all the marital problems I had. I couldn’t give time to anyone and my husband didn’t like my friends (another issue). I really did regret that and I’ve tried to rekindle our friendship but it’s just not the same anymore.

I guess with no friends, that only leaves my mum. I don’t want to tell her how I feel as she’s already got a lot of things going on. I love spending time with her and right now she’s the only one that I can go to but at the same time I can’t.

I’ve thought about leaving him as I’m not happy with how he is with me. I’ve tried talking to him and he says he loves me and will try to make up for it and it’s all in my head. But it’s really not. We aren’t doing well financially so obviously I’m not expecting lavish holidays from him but spending time doesn’t equal spending money and I’ve said that to him before.

I think it’s doomed as I don’t think we love each other anymore

I don't know OP. But if you know that you don't love him any more mayne you're flogging a dead horse?

It sounds a miserable way to live.

Sounds awful OP . I think you should confide in your mum. Even if she has problems of her own, I am sure she would want to know. And it might help her having someone else's problem to focus on?

Wishing you all the best x

I agree, confide in your mother or seek a neutral party, such as a counselor.

End your marriage as soon as possible. You will be VERY happy you did in the years to come. You have only one life, don't waste it on a miserable marriage.

I’m so sorry OP.
I usually ask this question to many people feeling trapped in relationships; if your son or daughter or even mum were in your situation what would you advise them?
It sounds extremely miserable to live like this. You sound young, you only have one life to live.

If the love is gone then leave. You deserve happiness and you can find love with someone who appreciates you, treats you well, and doesn't let his mum ruin his life x

Before you talk to your mum, be careful, is she the type to tell you to get on with it even if you are unhappy? Bad advice at this point could mean you are miserable for many years. Could you try a trial separation so you can both see things more clearly? It would mean you making an effort to rebuild friendships or make new ones at the same time or loneliness will cloud your perspective. If you feel relief you will know you need to make it permanent.

I think you have gone through a lot and with a small child so many things change. I'm sorry but I think in there you have lost you - but that doesn't mean you can not find yourself again and maybe you can rekindle things. Maybe you can't. But I think you should consider would it be easier to find yourself again within the context of being married and sharing the finances and child minding - or would it be easier to find you if you left him. I think your confidence is shot and you need to build this again to be happy - regardless of what is going on with your relationship with him.

I used to speak to my mum when MIL was interfering and she was supportive but my mum grew up in a different country with a different mindset. She said try to make it work but obviously if it gets too much then she’d be supportive. I think she was scared about how other people would perceive me. In my in laws I was the first daughter in law to go to work (went through hell with this), the first one to move out (went through drama until they decided that it was ok and probably better). Now they all work, they all want to live in separate houses and MIL is happy I’m supporting my husband financially. So my mum was aware of these and told me to stick to what I believe is right. I think she just wanted me to have a successful marriage.

After we moved out MIL hasn’t been interfering anymore so those issues have been resolved. But I think what has happened is that this has impacted our relationship.

We live a very frugal life atm and it’s probably the stress of finances that has further affected our relationship. A part of me is upset with DH for taking on a phd (didn’t want him to do it at this time as we are not well financially but his dad demanded he does it) and not taking up a proper job (he works part time from home). I work part time with my husband looking after our son. A part of me is upset because we’re on tax credits which is something I never ever wanted to do. I feel like if he had a proper job he would have by now had a pay rise that would have paid all the bills and we wouldn’t have had to live like this.

I look at people around me who are less qualified but who live a better life than us and it’s all down to the decisions he has made because I was never involved in any of them. I told him many times almost 3 years ago to pick up a proper job and that he would get a good salary but he would need to work his way up and he didn’t agree. He did odd jobs and 3 years later he still doesn’t know what he wants. I’ve turbed 30 this year but my life doesn’t have a direction. We haven’t got a mortgage and he doesn’t have a decent job. This September DS is going to start nursery and I’m not sure how we will pay the fees because my husband wants to move abroad to start something there (which most probably won’t work as his brothers are there too and struggling). I can’t and don’t want to leave my job (I’m a teacher) for many reasons (pay rise, I’m improving my skills, I need to get out of the house).

These are some of the underlying issues we are having. I’m not sure if it’s circumstances that have made me feel like I don’t love him anymore coupled with the fact that he spends zero amount of time with me or if I’ve just stopped loving him period.

Oh OP that sounds so hard.

He doesn’t sound like a bad man but it sounds like you have/had different expectations about how life should be and what you should each contribute to the marriage.

If you’re on a low income do you think you might be eligible for subsidised counselling from Relate? It may be that the conclusion is you can’t continue together, but at least you’ll have tried.

It’s hard to advise without knowing the whole picture but I really urge you to find someone to talk to about all of this.

If I were in your shoes, I'd start thinking about how you might leave. Can you do more hours at work and then be able to pay for childcare, rent a small flat for you and ds, live near work to make travel cheaper, or be nearer your DM? Have a look at how you could make it work as a single parent and take a long look at how that would feel for you and if it's what you want. Your DM will be upset of course, but she will be supportive so you have people to help you. People do this, it's perfectly possible. You need to work out what you want and how to get it. Then it's worth having a talk with DH to discuss how you are feeling and what you are planning and why. He might surprise you, though it sounds unlikely from what you've said. Best of luck.

It sounds like your husband still does whatever his parents tell him to (you say he started his PhD because his dad said he had to, when you didn’t want him to), so your in-laws are still interfering in your relationship, just in a different way. If he listens to them instead of you, if he goes out with his cousins instead of you (they’re in-laws too), then it sounds like he’s always going to pick his family over you. And now it sounds like they’re telling him to move abroad (you said all his brothers have), and he’s thinking about it, even though all his brothers are struggling. If you’re unhappy now, you will be MISERABLE abroad without even your mother.

Maybe we don’t have his side of the story, but in this case, it doesn’t matter. If you’re a miserable and lonely and unless he’s willing to go to counseling to fix it (and if he’s not willing to listen to his wife, I somehow doubt he’s going to be willing to go to counseling?), you have every right to leave and be happy. Some people will judge you and tell you that things are different in your culture, but remember: they are 100% wrong, as a happy life is worth fighting for (and leaving for) in every culture.

I would definitely not move abroad with him. You will lose everything you’ve started to build up for yourself and I don’t think he will magically start to pay you attention once abroad. So things would probably be worse.

If you’re not ready to make a decision on whether to leave your husband I would park the husband issue for now and really focus on you. What can you do to improve your situation? What would your ideal career look like? What would you need to do to get there? I would put time into rekindling old friendships. Sure they might feel a bit odd at first but it takes times. And put time into new friendships/hobbies. You would need to do these things if you separate so why not start to explore your life a bit more already now.

What I would say is we have to be true to ourselves always, even if that upsets people.
You aren't happy and it's not right he doesn't involve you in decisions.

It sounds as thpugh he wants a more traditional way of life than you do.

To sort that out would take honest conversations. He's being dismissive "it's all in your head", so an open conversation happening, is going to have to be pushed by you.

If you get tax credits, you'll get help with childcare costs.

When you can work full time and his PHD is done, getting a house won't be an issue. But don't meadure success on things like owning your own home.

"I think she just wanted me to have a successful marriage."

Again, what is a successful marriage? It certainly isn't one that just lasts a long time.

You could have a conversation with your Mother. Decide what you want.

Then there's the hard bit. Pin your Husband down and tell him straight that you aren't happy and there needs to be changes made.

Don't agree to move to another country, he can go on his own. Unless a better life is guaranteed.

You need to be careful if you want to take your child, he may try to claim he is the main carer. Do not let your child go abroad, it will be very hard to come back, you may be prevented from leaving.
Get some legal advic about your rights and options.
Couple counselling may help, but get someone who understands the cultural issues whilst supporting your aspirations. Good luck

It sounds miserable. Life's too short. Start to plan how you're going to leave.
Who is the main carer? Main earner? You could find yourself paying child maintenance. Do some research.

Agree with everyone else.
This sounds miserable, you are young don’t waste your life (I’m around the same btw)

Also pleaseee do not give up your job and do not move abroad....if anything let him go and use it as a concrete reason to get a divorce.

But even if he doesn’t go, get a divorce.