To have today off work, after grandma died yesterday.

[QueenofPain]

Just wondering really. My grandma died yesterday morning, so I was obviously off yesterday. Kept telling myself I would be okay to go back today but when I was getting ready I knew that I was going to resent being there today, so I’ve called in for my late shift.

I also left 3.5 hours early on Wednesday as I got the call saying they’d started the end of life drugs and her breathing had changed, etc.

I just feel like work are going to think i’m very flaky, because I know a lot of employers don’t even recognise grandparents in their compassionate leave policies.

So as not to drip feed, I’ve had a lot of bereavement in the last few years. Lost my grandad very suddenly in June 2016, my 25yo brother in Dec 2016 (again extremely suddenly), my late brothers girlfriend killed herself in April this year (we weren’t close but it dredged up a lot of that pain again), and now my grandma yesterday.

The rational part of me knows I’m not being unreasonable in saying to work that i’m not okay to carry on business as usual with 24 hours to grieve, but part of me is very angsty and thinks they’re going to view me as weak and emotional for needing this time.

I also have my mum to think about who is still distraught about my brother and not really coping and who has now lost her mum too.

For context I have a very stressful job in A&E.

So sorry for your loss. I believe in most places grandparents are included in compassionate leave cover. 2 days is perfectly respectable in this situation, don't worry about it and concentrate on yourself and your family.

Sorry to hear this. What is the compassionate leave policy? Personally, I think I would be okay if anyone other than a member of my immediate family passed away, but people are different. There is no “AIBU” really. If you don’t feel capable of working, you should see your GP to see if you can be signed off.

The compassionate leave policy is very vague and says at the discretion of the manager. I will be making up the hours later in the month anyway.

I am not due back in now until Monday, by which time i’m sure I will be okay to go back.

Not going to get signed off as it hasn’t been over the seven day period that you’d have to self cert for, and i’m not sick, just sad.

Then your manager will decide - presumably - whether to authorise it as paid?

Are you expecting to take this as holiday/unpaid leave or be given compassionate leave? The former, YANBU. The latter, depending on your company's policy, Y may possibly BU.

I am sorry for your loss .

So very sorry you’ve lost your grandma. You must be feeling very raw. Don’t give a thought to being considered flakey. Nobody who works in A&E could possibly be. I’d get signed off for a few days if I were you. 💐

Yeah, I’m not really concerned about being paid, I can sort that out one way or another.

It’s more just whether i’m being unreasonable in needing the time. Is it unusual to not feel ready to go back today, would other people have felt ready?

Is it unusual to not feel ready to go back today, would other people have felt ready?

That’s irrelevant, really. You can’t control how you feel, can you?

I mean, my grandmother died and I said, “Oh. Poor Dad,” and got on with my day, but that’s because of a particular set of circumstances. Likewise, when my grandfather died, I had a little cry and went back to teach my lesson. But people are different.

YANBU at all for feeling you need the time out, I had to take a couple of days off when my Aunty died, she’d stepped into my mum’s shoes when she died and we were very close. Be kind to yourself, what you’re feeling is perfectly normal and reasonable

You have to do what's right for you in this circumstance, and for your mum. I don't think today off is unreasonable , obviously different employers have different requirements but for us it would be expected you wouldn't work today, its not about being paid or leaving them stranded with no notice, if you're not able to do your job you shouldn't try, they will understand that, give yourself some space.

OP i am so sorry for your loss .You do what is right for you and your mum .We all grieve differently. I was incredibly close to my nan as i grew up as she lived close by and when she died i was heartbroken and took a few days off work.Give yourself time op it is still very raw .

I was very close to my maternal grandparents. Grandad went first after a short but quite traumatic (for all involved) battle with cancer aged 69. I was 21, just moved 200 miles from home and completely alone. My mum was devastated. I took 2 weeks. It was my first experience of bereavement and I just didn't know how to cope.

Nan passed away when I was 36 after a long battle with dementia. I had 2 children, if suffered a few bereavements and although it obviously hurt I managed to push through and "get on" with things.

I'm 40 now. My paternal grandparents are both alive and kicking, in their 90s. I'm still incredibly close to them. I dread the day I get the news. I have no idea how I will act /cope.

What I'm saying is. You can't rationalise your feelings, even based on experience. Love is love, grief comes in so many different forms.

You're not being unreasonable to recognise that you need this time. A piece of paper at work and a manager may determine that YABU (also they may not!) but I would hold my head high and remember that you did what you needed to do in the short term, in order to carry on long term.

I'm sorry for your loss ❤️