To ask for help re 4 year old’s separation anxiety

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My DS1 will be 4.5 when he starts school in September. He’s been at nursery for nearly 2 years, and also goes to preschool (attached to his school) and has done so since Easter. I can count on one hand the number of times we have had happy drop offs - the majority of the time there have been tears and clinginess. I have to hand him to someone as I go otherwise he would follow me out. It is the same if DH or my mum drops him off also. We have always been very positive about childcare settings explaining that he is going to have a great time with his friends/going to forest school/playing in the garden etc etc with not much effect.

When we have asked him why he cries he says that he doesn’t want to go and wants us to stay with him. Again, we explain why we can’t stay with him and (more recently) that it’s going to get him ready for big school and all the fun things he’ll be doing there.

He does enjoy nursery/preschool and usually settles within a few minutes of us leaving although sometimes he takes a bit longer.

We had parents evening with nursery tonight and his keyworker has said that the separation anxiety is the only thing that is holding him back. I’m now really worried for September! There will be 30 kids with 2 adults and I am worried about how on Earth he is going to cope, and how will they cope?! We have followed all the advice on settling into childcare settings but nothing appears to have really worked. It is a really caring school he is going to but they can’t magic up more staff!

Any advice appreciated

My older DD was the same and she was pretty bad....I won't lie, there was no magic cure for her. I tried everything...what eventually happened was that she matured. It wasn't until she was about 8 though!

But don't worry about him not reaching his potential....they just do OP. Is he ok when he's there? What do his teachers say about his behaviour during the day? Is he socialising properly?

oh...one of the best things I did was to have more playdates for DD. I was told by her teacher that having some friends at school who knew her home life, would make her feel more at home and it did.

He will settle at school like he settles at preschool - there won't be 30 children who all need to go to the TA at handover. They will put all the staff they can on to start with and hopefully they will either take him off you for a swift goodbye, or let you stay for a few mins, whatever he needs. Heart wrenching for you day after day though.

I would say don't try to big up school too much or tell him that he has to go to nursery to get him ready for school. It can get a big overwhelming when you are 4 and everyone you ever meet, from granny to friends' parents to the man in the shoe shop tells you exciting and fun it will be and how you are so very, very grown up now. It is a lot of pressure. I think matter of fact and low key is better for an anxious child.

If you have a visit from his teacher, use it to talk about how you will jointly handle the transition. My son adored the giant sandtimer in the YR classroom so he'd go and commune with it mornings. I'd never have predicted that before he started! They might have tablets out, especially in the early days, just for 10 mins at the start, or there might be a quiet book corner and he might have a favourite book to read. You can sew a special decorative button or ribbon with a nice texture into his cuff or trouser pocket to give him a secret talisman. He may be able to take a favourite teddy, that the TA will gently navigate back to his bag at some point. Lots of options. Good luck.

My nephew was exactly the same even with my DD in his class who is very chilled. Lots of cuddles, chats and reading books about school, really helped him and there are brilliant ones out there. A lovely book we read was called the kissing hand, my nephew started to copy the ‘self soothing’ actions from the book. Now he’s nearly finished reception and loves school and races DD in!

My daughter was exactly the same and I was really worried about her starting school. It turns out the routine of lining up when the bell goes and walking in with her friends was very comforting to her, rather than the unpredictability of nursery drop-offs where the group may already be busy and there were multiple adults with the potential to take her. You might be surprised at how well he gets into the swing of a structured start to the school day.

My DD was fine at preschool but did struggle in the mornings at school more often than not - on year R and 1. She was worse on days I dropped off as they were rarer and she didn’t want to leave me. As well as the teachers being great (gentle but matter of fact) things really only changed when she grew up a bit and touch wood, Yr2 has been much better.

One thing I found that really helped was like a PPs suggestion of a talisman or similar. In our case I drew a small heart on the heel of both of our palms, then we would put the hearts together to ‘activate’ them. She then knew that whenever she got anxious or missed me during the day she could touch it and we’d be connected (as could I 😊). It really helped her, i would def recommend it or similar.

No idea why that posted three times!!