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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To now ignore his calls?

18 replies

Mummyto2munchkins · 04/07/2019 08:55

Dp cared for his DR after his DM passed away. He's had 3 strokes and lost the use of his left arm.
Me and DP have 2 young children, DP started a new job on Monday and told his DF that he was starting work and he would need to arrange carers (anything we've put in place he's told not to bother coming back)
I received a phone call at 00.45 (quarter to one this morning) from FIL, missed the call as DC woke up from it. Rung him straight back (incase he had a fall) it was just about tax credits and if we claim it. I had told him what the time was, and he didn't listen and kept asking me, to which I told him I wasn't going to reply as he has woken both the children up and me and DP and we have work / school / nursery in the morning.

WIBU to now ignore any calls at this time of night and put my phone on silent?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 04/07/2019 08:55

Sorry that should say DF not DR

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 04/07/2019 14:48

I'd be pissed off if anyone called me in the middle of the night for such an asinine reason! Is he mentally of sound mind? If so then he's being a petty asshole! I'd be calling whatever elder care agency there is and telling them he needs an assessment if he's running you ragged. You have your own nuclear family to look after.

TulipsTwoLips · 04/07/2019 14:57

Your DP needs to deal with this if it is his father.

Pipandmum · 04/07/2019 14:59

Put your phone on silent. I do. The only time I don’t is when the kids are away at an overnight thing.

TixieLix · 04/07/2019 15:08

Did he ring your mobile OP? If so definitely put it on silent. He should be ringing your DP, not you. Why did you ring him back after the missed call? Your DP should be taking responsibility for anything to do with his DF.

70sWitch · 04/07/2019 15:23

Yes. Put it on silent. If he can get to the phone, he can ring 999 if necessary.

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 04/07/2019 15:25

Yeah he rung my mobile.
DP started a new job on Monday so obviously didn't want to disturb him. I rung him back because he's a bit unstable on his feet following a major hip replacement in January. (they cut an inch off his leg too!) he's had a few falls before. So I called him back incase he had a fall. (we've had a few calls this year about falls and having to get him up again)
We don't think he's got sound mind but when people go to do assessments he kind of puts on a front and manages to answer everything fine to them. (telling them who they are and why they're there etc) but then as soon as they go, he turns back to his normal self again!
I'm at my wits end I honestly don't know what to do. Any carers I've put in place for him he tells them to f*ck off and how he doesn't need them. I'm not sure if it's just attention or what, but waking everybody up at that time isn't on! Especially as both me and DP are now working. DC are 3 and 11 months so I had to try and get them to settle and go back to sleep again! Luckily I had today off work to take my eldest to a taster day at school this morning, but that was a struggle as her sleep was disturbed :(
Has anybody got any advice on what to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 04/07/2019 16:32

He's also called my DP today to say that I was horrible last night and swore at him for no reason as he was trying to "help"

OP posts:
Guavaf1sh · 04/07/2019 16:35

Agree with EKGEMS - does he have dementia? Is he of sound mind? Before getting angry it’s important to know these things

hazell42 · 04/07/2019 16:44

I think you need to get him checked out by a doctor.
Why would ge be concerned about whether you were claiming tax credits, even during the day?
It sounds as If he may be suffering from sone mental ill health.
Dont ignore him. But do ask him if he is ok. And if he says yes and you believe him, tell him you'll get back to him in the morning

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 04/07/2019 16:44

He's had an assessment and because he knows who they are what they're doing there, they're saying he is of sound mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 04/07/2019 16:47

Even if we said well call back in the morning he will continue to call
We once had 21 missed calls in the space of an hour.. Rung him back he didn't answer (we was at DP grandparents) started to panic so went to go straight to his. Got a call on the wall saying it was about a hospital appointment he's had a letter for and can DP put it on the calendar to take him to it.

OP posts:
Pinkmalinky · 04/07/2019 17:12

DP should be dealing with his own Father. I’d be pissed off if anyone called me at that hour unless it was an absolute emergency.

Snowy81 · 04/07/2019 18:19

It’s hard when they are this age. You think somethings wrong then they act fine for assessments (been there!), you get pissed off that they ring at stupid times, you do the whole ‘that’s it the phone is going on silent!!’ Then the whole guilt comes, but what if something happens.....

I don’t have an answer OP, just showing some solidarity x

SandyY2K · 04/07/2019 18:23

YANBU.

Is your DH his only child?

Phone on silent..if it's an emergency...he can call 999.

78percentLindt · 04/07/2019 18:38

Oh I have been there!!!
DF was involved in politics so the Mini Mental health Score test was right up his street. Eventually we persuaded the hospital to use another test, and he showed up as having dementia.
would ring separately for each item on a shopping list- all of which he needed urgently despite having loaves etc in the freezer. Part of it was to ensure that someone popped into see him.
Phone on silent I am afraid. And tell DP to deal with him.

Original poster
Mummyto2munchkins · 04/07/2019 19:07

DP is an only child.
DP has also asked him to get carers in. He's known for a month he's starting work this week and hasn't even got carers in even though he said he would. (not surprised in the slightest) - he's meant to wear his lifeline but doesn't, I done an online shop for him the other day. He rung me to have ago because some of the things were substituted and I could have gone to the shop for him. (I've told him for the past month it's online shops or he gets a carer to take him) as we are now not in a position to be taking shopping round every other day like DP use to.
I can also do more for him as I do less hours than DP apparently.. (according to FIL)
It's just the phone calls at stupid o clock over stupid things. A few months ago we had a call at 4am to tell us he had thrown up. (he ate a can of crab meat that was out of date by 5 years and we told him not to but he said he'd be fine)

OP posts:
mbosnz · 04/07/2019 19:10

Right, at this point, you and your DH have to have a few short sharp words with him. You are not his servant, you are not his daughter, and he should appreciate what you do for him rather than abusing you for not doing more. And if he's ringing you at stupid o'clock for stupid reasons, he needs to know that all phones will be turned off, and if he has a fall, he will be on his own.

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