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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

26 replies

TracyDraco · 03/07/2019 18:39

I have received a text this evening from my XH informing me that our youngest has a school trip tomorrow (he’s in nursery dept therefore needs an adult to accompany him) can I drop the children off at his in the morning instead of dropping them off at breakfast club?
This is the first I’ve heard about said trip - his mum is taking him apparently. I’m annoyed that nothing was mentioned to me about said trip (we share custody - they are with until the weekend this week) I wasn’t even asked if I wanted to take him.
Anyway I suggested in that case it would make sense that they stay with him tonight -- I’ll be late for work if I have to drop them at his.
He’s refused as he’s “out” tonight- which usually means he’s staying at his GFs. Who’s being unreasonable me or him?

OP posts:

familycourtq · 03/07/2019 18:45

Based on the description XH is BU due to the short notice.

It isn't clear how this is going to get resolved, and what he's actually doing tonight is none of your business - the fact that you mentioned what you think he's doing makes me wonder if there's more to it.

Original poster

TracyDraco · 03/07/2019 18:58

He expects me to drop them off at his in the morning irrespective of how that effects me.

OP posts:

Homemadearmy · 03/07/2019 19:01

I would say he is being unreasonable, he should have told you about the trip as soon as he knew. That would have given you the opinion of taking time off work. It's good that he arranged for his mum to go, but he shouldn't have sprang it on you last minute

raspberryk · 03/07/2019 19:04

How does dropping them at his make You late?
Tbh if it was inconvenient I'd drop at breakfast club as normal and leave the X and his M to figure out the rest seeing as they didn't include you in the trip at all.

RonaldMcDonald · 03/07/2019 19:04

Is there a big difference in time between dropping at his and dropping at breakfast club? Really? Or is this driven by your being upset at his poor communication.
You could tell him to fetch from the breakfast club and communicate more clearly in future as you are unable to change your plans at late notice also

Floralnomad · 03/07/2019 19:12

Just tell him it’s not convenient and that they will have to collect him from breakfast club . I’d also have words with the nursery about making sure that both parents get notifications / letters about trips or anything school related as your ex is not keeping you in the loop .

CruellaFeinberg · 03/07/2019 19:14

Is there a big difference in time between dropping at his and dropping at breakfast club? Really? Or is this driven by your being upset at his poor communication.

Could be he lives in the opposite direction, could be there is no parking at his house, could be the OP doesn't drive and the breakfast club is on the bus route, could be a million reasons....

Doesn't matter really - what matters is he has asked for a change at very short notice, and its not convenient

Chloemol · 03/07/2019 19:16

I would just take them to breakfast club and let him sort it out as he has not had the decency to arrange anything soooner and you can’t be late to work

MyNewBearTotoro · 03/07/2019 19:22

I’d just drop the kids off at breakfast club as usual. It doesn’t seem clear why they need to go to his house first - surely his Mum can just head to the nursery for the trip?

And yes, he was being unreasonable not to tell you about the trip or ask if you wanted to go. Although actually I’d say that responsibility falls on the nursery too. I work at a school and of a child’s parents are separated we send out two copies of all correspondence including about trips etc.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 03/07/2019 19:24

I don't really understand but if dropping them to him would make you late for work then tell him he needs to make other arrangements.

But if you can drop the children to your ex without much inconvenience, then do it.

crustycrab · 03/07/2019 19:25

How will you be late for work? Because you refuse to set off early or for a different reason?

I'd tell him he needs to either collect them from you at x time or from breakfast club. But only if it's putting me out by more than 10/15 minutes. If I had to set off early I'd be annoyed but I would if it meant my child didn't miss the trip.

And then arrange a better system for the future. Photos sent of letters in bookbags etc so everyone knows what is going on.

Original poster

TracyDraco · 03/07/2019 19:40

XH lives on the extreme west side of the town, breakfast club is the extreme east side, pretty much on my way to work. It will add a good 30-40 minutes to my journey time if I drop at his.

OP posts:

Troels · 03/07/2019 19:45

Message back that you can't do it at such short notice, if you had known you would have taken some time off. So you will be sticking to the normal schedule of dropping to breakfast club. His mother can pick up from there.

madcatladyforever · 03/07/2019 19:50

Drop them off at breakfast club. Let him pick them up. He has given you no notice which is very unreasonable.

Original poster

TracyDraco · 03/07/2019 20:01

I’ve messaged back that I can’t - apparently I’m being childish 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

AllStar14 · 03/07/2019 20:19

He is BU for giving such short notice. Just do what you usually do, drop DC to breakfast club. Your ex will have to figure the rest out.

RonaldMcDonald · 03/07/2019 20:26

Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business.
I feel sorry that he cannot be more self aware and see that you are simply being assertive, asking for equality and demonstrating good boundaries- all things which are great for you and your child.

He’ll have to learn to do better - now, don’t waver 😁😁😁

ObbyDo · 03/07/2019 21:06

At no point have you mentioned your kids in your posts. How about considering what's best for them? Get up half an hour earlier, drop the kids off at his and don't be late for work. Yes it was unreasonable of him to give you such short notice but you are being just as unreasonable by being so inflexible and not putting what is best for your kids first.

Original poster

TracyDraco · 03/07/2019 21:13

He’s specified a time for me to drop them off, getting up earlier is irrelevant. I’m supposed to meet his mum there, he’d have already left for work.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 03/07/2019 21:16

I'd be having a word with the school about communication of these things. Surely he should have organised this before now? And wont kids have to go to school (aka breakfast club) anyway as trip will leave form there?

sadkoala · 03/07/2019 21:25

Why don't you know about the trip? Did the school pass info on to him assuming he will pass on to you too ? It needs to be addressed in the future.

Does he think you would have had objections about his DM taking DD ?

Original poster

TracyDraco · 03/07/2019 21:25

The Breakfast club I use isn’t at the school, it’s at a private nursery that does school run for the eldest. DC2 is in pm session at nursery attached to school, spends morning at the private setting.
I’m expected to be there at 8 which is when I usually get to the nursery.

OP posts:

Original poster

TracyDraco · 03/07/2019 21:32

I didn’t know about it because nothing was communicated to me about the trip.I’ve complained about it to the school previously and information still isn’t being passed onto me.
Most things the school email over but anything that needs a permission slip comes home with the children.
His DM picks them up from school, invariably any letters for trips that come home when she picks them up aren’t passed on.

OP posts:

EL8888 · 03/07/2019 21:33

Him. His timing and communication skills definitely need work. Plus rude he expected you to be instructed by him basically

Ellapaella · 03/07/2019 21:42

Just stick to your guns. His mother can pick up DC from the breakfast club. Too late to expect you to do any different now. Let him say what he likes, don't engage with it and don't respond in an emotional way at all. Just tell him you haven't got time to go in a different direction to work so if he wants to do something different then he'll have to make the arrangements.

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