For struggling to juggle motherhood and friendships?

[itshappened]

I'm so sad about the fact that I have lost friends since I became a mother.

To give you some context, I had a very traumatic labour days after a family bereavement, followed by dealing with a baby with an extreme case of reflux and an absolute refusal to sleep more than two hours a night for over a year. I also went back to work full time when my baby was 7 months old.

I'm not saying this to excuse myself, but managing sleep deprivation and work has been challenging and I confess I probably did side line my own friends and social life, alongside everything else I used to do for myself. I felt such a strong attachment to my baby that I genuinely wanted to spend all my time with them and I only went back to work because I had to financially.

Now my 2 year old sleeps well most of the time, but I still juggle full time work and work travel. So obviously my weekends are hugely precious as it's family time, and I always try to do everything to make the time I do spend with my child count.

But I have also tried to get my friendships back on track for the last year. Those with children have been supportive and I'm so thankful I have them in my life, but they have their own best friends and other closer friendship groups too. In contrast two of my closest friends before I had a baby, are not mum's or in long term relationships. I know it was inevitable that our lives would be very different now, but I didn't think they would stop being my friends. I think they are angry with me for not making more of an effort over this time. I put my hands up and say I just didn't have the time or energy for them and that I could only just about hold it together as a new mum and then a working mum and managed to send them texts but not meet up very often. Now they don't respond and I haven't seen them at all for a year.

As I say, I do understand that I have neglected people that matter to me, but I keep trying to resolve it and get nothing back apart from the occasional 'I miss you' message. It makes me so sad. I'm now pregnant again, and am worried there won't be time to resolve the situation before I'm lost in newborn craziness again.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for really. Just have I been such a terrible friend I can't be forgiven? Has anyone experienced something similar and got their friendships back on track?

Sorry to hear you’ve been through some tough times and congrats on the pregnancy.
I think good friends (with or without children) should be able to understand that your priorities have changed and appreciate your efforts to rejuvenate friendships. How are you approaching them now - are you just texting, are you asking them to meet up or visit you? You can only do so much so go easy on yourself- effort with the right people does pay off eventually.
This is where I think things like Facebook are really good, because you can keep your links alive even when you don’t have much time to see people, but appreciate social media isn’t everyone’s thing.

I ask to meet up and ask how they are in texts. I also send birthday cards etc. Any updates I occasionally post on social media related to my life or baby get ignored and certainly never get liked by one of them in particular. I'm not harassing them with messages and as they aren't friends with each other, I know they aren't bitching about me together! I just feel sad that it seems I don't actually have any really close friends. No one to be the godmother of my new baby. It's silly really, but i thought by this stage i would have a close circle of friends.

I had a very traumatic labour days after a family bereavement, followed by dealing with a baby with an extreme case of reflux and an absolute refusal to sleep more than two hours a night for over a year. I also went back to work full time when my baby was 7 months old.

My goodness, that sounds tough. You're a superhero for coping with work in those circumstances.

To be honest, I didn't have all of those challenges but I still lost friends when I had my first. I've just had my second and I found NCT to be amazing. We've got a WhatsApp group going and weekly meet-ups whereas none of my other friends can meet during the week. Most of them aren't local anyway and (unsurprisingly) aren't interested in going to softplay and similar.

It can sometime be difficult with friends if they have no DC and don't understand the reality of it

Sounds really tough, but you didn't hang with your friends for 2 years and now expect things to go back to how they were. Lives will have moved on.

Any updates I occasionally post on social media related to my life or baby get ignored and certainly never get liked by one of them in particular.

Sounds like they just aren't that interested :-(

Yes I know their lives have moved on. I didn't expect them to put things on hold and wait for me. But it doesn't stop me feeling sad that we aren't friends now.

It is possible to not have children but still to understand the life-changing pressures they bring about. Perhaps some friendships weren’t strong in the first place and that’s now becoming evident. Others may respond, over time, to effort and persistence.

Yeah I guess you're right. Strong friendships would have survived this and at least would have allowed for some forgiveness. I think it's time to let it go and move on.

It sounds like you've had a really tough time. I think unless you're lucky, it's not unusual for some friendships to fall by the wayside after having children. I've grown apart from a few child free friends, who I've known for over 20 years, because our lives are so different and we no longer live near enough to meet for evening drinks and our weekends are usually taken up with boring jobs or family stuff (and we get no support so alwaaaays have the children in tow). We had a very tricky first year as parents due to some serious health troubles and some people really didn't get it and it became obvious if I didn't drive the friendship it wasn't going to happen. I also have a strained relationship with a sibling, because they openly loathe children, and can't comprehend at all that we sometimes have to put a small child's needs before doing things the way our family always has. We even see less of some of our friends with older children simply because it can be hard to find times and activities that are suitable for our young children but not boring for their older ones. Some of these friendships I hope we can salvage as the children get older and it's easier to do other things, some I've accepted probably won't survive.

It does make me sad sometimes. However I have made lovely new connections through antenatal groups, preschool etc with people who are at a similar stage in life. Some of these new relationships I hope will turn into deeper friendships. I also accept that even though my youngest DC is nearly two, as we rarely get more than a few nights without being woken, I'm still exhausted (also had reflux baby) and frankly don't have the reserves for regular nights out or activities, even if some of the old friends hadn't melted away. I'm content with a weekly exercise class, getting out once a month or so for drinks but otherwise having quiet evenings at home!

It is sad- mine was from 20 years past we were students together. She said she was envious of 'all the time I have'...was weird about the DCs and was tricky...it is a shame and I feel the same also about the new mum friends. It is a loss.

I think you are right @whatsnormalanyway. I was a bit of a party girl before, but I have moved on and hangovers aren't worth it when you are woken up at 6am every day! on the rare occasion when I do go out, it's with my husband, as we need time together too to keep our marriage going when we're both permanently exhausted. But I absolutely adore being a mum and wouldn't change it for the world. I just hope I do find some more friendships along the way as our family gets bigger and older!

I think most people's friendships do change when they have DC, and that's without all the difficult stuff you've had to go through simultaneously.

If you've held up your hands, apologised and tried to make time/effort for them then it sounds as though you've done all you can. They may mellow in time, but if they don't, this isn't totally on you.

I have a couple of childless friends who I used to spend huge amounts of time with pre-DC. One is an absolute godsend of a woman who, when the DC were born, turned up and sent me off for baths, did some grocery shopping and generally found ways to be a part of our lives. As a result we're still very close, and she's a huge part of the DCs lives. The other woman sort of did a similar thing to your friends and just distanced herself, not really interacting or responding to texts/calls. Nobody is to blame, life just moves on and friendships change, and some friendships perhaps aren't as strong as you'd hope.

Do you have 'new' friends from having your DC; people you met at baby groups or any classes? If not, try and focus on that over the next few months, and open yourself up to new friendships instead.

I think it's worth honestly acknowledging the hurt you caused, rather than expecting things to pick up from when you paused the friendship.

Yes you have a hard time, but so may they and unless you start by acknowledging that and apologising, you risk them thinking this is about only what works for you and that your 2 year time out could happen again.

the hurt you caused Think that is a bit harsh, OP didn't set out to hurt anyone. The friends could have been more understanding really.

No, you probably didn't "hurt" them but it gives a good idea of how little you saw them when you say I felt such a strong attachment to my baby that I genuinely wanted to spend all my time with them

I hate to say it, but this makes you sound like one of "those" parents who literally have nothing to talk about except their children. Your friends may come back to you when they have their own children but I think for now, times have moved on sadly.

I do think that whilst I was on maternity leave I was totally involved in my baby and motherhood, but actually I still saw my friends sporadically through this period and I've always had a very active 'mum' social life. But obviously I wasn't going out drinking and staying out late whilst I was breast feeding.

However it was once I went back to work 18months ago that I found it hard to juggle friendships. To be clear, I do love talking about my child. Of course I do! But I also have a highly pressured leadership role at work; and just as I wouldn't spend my whole day at work talking about children, neither would I do that with my friends. It's more that I am reluctant to sacrifice my weekends of family time to see friends on their own, as i only see my child for an hour or so a day during the week. We still socialise as a family a lot, but it tends to be with people who also have kids and so understand you have to get home for nap time etc. Plus allows the kids to play together. So yes I should have made more effort, but I will always put my family first and I don't apologise for that.

@itshappened Are you saying that you want to see your friends with your DC in tow rather than on your own?

I have similar,
I am in a high pressured leadership role working full time and I just don’t have time for many friends anymore, particularly childfree ones. I do think of them fondly, ‘like’ things etc but don't often speak to them (certainly don’t see them) bar one.
Life is too busy with work & family, I hope it will get easier when they are a bit more self sufficient (I have a 3 & 1 year old) but maybe they won’t be there then. Or maybe we will have a reunion, who knows. There’s no hard feelings there I don’t think but a mutual understanding that we are at hugely different points in our lives & I do feel sad sometimes that we couldn’t maintain that but I suffered with PND & the pressure from my work means I literally don’t have the time (plus I am still breastfeeding my baby & he won’t go to sleep without me so I can’t leave the house in the evenings even if I had the energy too!)

No I'm not saying I would bring a child with me, I'm just explaining how I got myself into this mess with my friends and why I didn't feel I had the time or energy to see them frequently. For the last 6 months I would have happily met up with them, but they don't want to I guess. As others have said, my friends have moved on. And I suppose so have I.