WWYD in my situation? (Long post but please bare with, I need the help!)

[user987881]

So, DS's dad was involved with drugs etc when DS was born and I only allowed contact supervised through a centre.

After that, he genuinely wised up, he wasn't perfect or as mature as he could be but he was a good dad, who as far as I was aware, wasn't involved in anything bad whatsoever and treated me (as we tried to give it a go again) and DS really well.

We split a few months ago. I wasn't happy because he was getting a bit controlling and I also had said the whole time that I didn't think I'd ever be able to trust him fully after his behaviour when my DS was newborn - 10 months (the drugs, the aggression etc), even if he had claimed he'd changed.

Anyway, I was stupid to believe he had changed. We broke up. I met someone. He became very aggressive towards me and trashed my home. Police were involved. He's been emotionally manipulative and nasty since but I've been trying my best to keep things stable and civil and routine for DS.

Things were starting to briefly get better (he was having him 2 nights a week). And then, last week, he threatened me, swore about me, and physically barged past me all in front of my confused 2-year-old. The line had to be drawn when my child was exposed to it. Police involved again with a formal statement this time. I haven't been caught up but I believe he's been issued a PIN notice. Haven't heard from him since last week.

He's just text today saying that he couldn't pick DS up from nursery today (which wasn't arranged!), and he'd like to have him tomorrow night as he's missed out on having him after all the 'confusion'.

The bit about the lawyer is I've been going back and forth with her, she was extremely good when we met but since then it's been hard to get replies when it comes to sending him a letter with a formal arrangement. Every time she gets back to me with a draft letter, the circumstances have changed or I'm not happy and want to tweak something and then it takes weeks to hear again.
I tried contacting her several times last week when it happened (5 days ago), obviously detailing that it was now urgent as my ex is aggressive and I don't trust his temper, and still haven't heard anything.
Would you leave this lawyer?

And although it might seem stupid to take opinions off the internet about what people would do in my situation - WWYD, because I'm lost and desperate for advice and help?

I'm not even sure I feel comfortable with ex having DS for overnights. I've heard rumors about drugs again including involving siblings he lives with. I'm not sure I feel comfortable meeting him to do exchanges. I don't really feel comfortable going through a contact centre again as I can imagine my 2 year old being quite confused at the change of setting.
I'm just not sure. I feel so confused, no idea what to even respond to that message, I'm worried for my safety with his temper, I feel like an overall terrible mum and like I've let DS down.

If you arent happy with your solicitor, change her.

I just know that I 100% never envisioned DS's childhood seeing or hearing anything aggressive (especially not from his dad to his mum) and I don't ever want him to be able to feel that horrible vibe and I want to protect him and I 100% don't ever want my DS influenced by his dads behaviour and assume that the way he speaks or acts or anything is acceptable.

@MyOpinionIsValid it's just hard when she's the only one I've been to in the past few years who I've found good, but obviously the slow responses are difficult in an urgent situation!!

Can you involve social work? Surely you can't release him to someone who is violent and who wishes to harm you.

@Cismyfatarse probably a last option- definitely don't really want social services involved with my child!

I would inform that you will get a new solicitor if you don't get a response with xxx, but you can't keep changing your mind. Get a basic agreement in place and see how it goes. If you don't do it soon he could just as easily go to family court requesting 50% custody which these dates is usually granted.

@Yukka surely it couldn't be granted if police have been involved on 2 occasions now with his behaviour?

Back to supervised contact

Yes its completely possible. Police reports would be taken into account, only if relevant in a family court. It could be they grant it with conditions, like, go to anger management or counselling etc, but the focus of the family court is the interest of the child and the adult relationships within it, which doesn't mean someone being aggressive to mum will be presumed to be aggressive to child . . .

The best thing for you is to have something structured in place where you could evidence what has or hasn't worked. But at the moment he has a complete right to access his child 50% of the time.

Obviously he hasn't said that he'll take you to court ( I presume) but don't linger on this as that's where you could end up. There's a lot you can do know to manage the situation in the way you are most happy with.

oh and - you need evidence on the drugs, not rumours. You need him to sign the agreement stating he will not use or have drugs around when the child is in his care etc etc etc this is where the solicitor needs to help you get all the wording and conditions right.

Do you think he’s a danger to your son when he’s alone with him ? If the answer is yes then obviously you will have to go back to supervised contact . If you think his issue is just with you do you not have an intermediary who could do handovers etc so that you don’t actually deal with him but he can maintain a relationship with your son .

@Yukka, dont spout such nonsense to the poor girl. No judge is going to award 50/50 custody to a deadbeat dad who lives with siblings, hasn't observed contact so far, has a history of drugs, and has two police complaints against him for violence. Jesus.

@Nearlythere1 I've seen them give full custody to worse parents

@nearlythere1 the court doesn't 'award' 50/50 custody. The Dad has a parental right to it, and based on what we know, the mum would have to have a strong enough case as to why that shouldn't occur . . With proper evidence that a judge can use tangibly to make a decision to reduce contact, apply restrictions and conditions, or leave as is.

This includes police reports, family history, contact to date and information on previous drug use and supporting statements etc That's IF either party went to court.

The living arrangement itself is usually considered completely out of the jurisdiction of the court, given the parent is still providing a roof and safe place for the child. Not everyone can afford to live on their own, doesn't make them bad parents.

The system might not work morally how we think it should, but nonetheless, the OP needs the solicitor to put things in place that safeguard the child on conditions she is happy with. If deadbeat dad doesn't turn up, then so be it. But he could equally do the opposite.With someone like this I wouldn't leave any opportunity open.

If OP is more greatly concerned about safeguarding the child, then again the solicitor should advise what to do to take steps for access with conditions. But that might still need to go to court to be enforceable.

I've been going back and forth with her, she was extremely good when we met but since then it's been hard to get replies when it comes to sending him a letter with a formal arrangement. Every time she gets back to me with a draft letter, the circumstances have changed or I'm not happy and want to tweak something

This can be so frustrating for a lawyer, not to mention time consuming (and expensive) have a client change things over and over. She takes the time to draft according to your instructions only to be told 'No, I've changed my mind'. It's not the most professional, but it may be one reason why she doesn't get back to you right away, perhaps thinking that if she gives you a few days that things will revert to what she's already drafted. You need to draw up the agreement based on the 'worst case scenario' and what your lawyer advises you will be seen as reasonable given the circumstances and stick to it. You can always loosen it up informally in the future IF he proves himself.