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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unasked for gift

70 replies

AravisQueenOfArchenland · 03/07/2019 12:55

I've been saving for an item for my house (in the £100-150 price range), and was going to go and get it last weekend, when my ex mil rang and said she'd bought it for me as a gift, for doing her a favour.

But she's bought me a differnet colour to the one I had in mind?

Nearly everything I own is either second hand, or bought because it was the cheapest option. I was really looking forward to treating myself to this, and now it feels spoilt. It's not what I wanted, I didn't ask for it in the first place, and I feel stuck with it now.

I know she meant well, and was trying to do a nice thing, and I know the colour won't change how well it works, but I wish I hadn't said anything about it, and I'd have the one I wanted by now!

Aibu to feel annoyed/upset instead of grateful?

OP posts:
amusedbush · 03/07/2019 13:53

Wow just Wow [...] You sound like an ungrateful child

ODFOD. The OP has been saving up and looking forward to buying a specific item, anyone would be disappointed if they get the wrong one!

LostInNorfolk · 03/07/2019 13:57

won't cost more than £12 to return- parcel force 48

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 03/07/2019 13:59

Another vote for sell it & buy the one you want.

My MIL controls through gifting, & I now ignore it.

MIL: 'Would you like this ugly antique chair that has been in the family for 1,000,000 years?'

Me: 'No thank you.'

She'll bring it over nonetheless.

I shove things in the garage (lucky to have the space), and return each unwanted item to her next time we visit.

She tries to give stuff to her daughters, & they do the same thing.

Maryann1975 · 03/07/2019 14:00

@Cheeseandwin5 the mil might have bought a gift, but it isn’t what the op wants. We are all allowed to have preferences, especially over something that we have to look at in our own home.

For example, if I really wanted a grey lamp for my living room, but someone bought me a green one, when I don’t like green, do I have to be forever grateful they spent their money on me? I don’t think so!

The op asked for the order to be cancelled and mil didn’t listen.

if you pay to return it, will the money will get refunded to mil or could you get store credit? Could you pay for the return postage and then buy the colour you want out of the credit, so you only end up paying the postage costs? Do the company sell the correct colour?

I’m trying to think of something in my home that I’m not bothered about the colour of, but I can think of anything. I wouldn’t want anything to be green- the only thing in my living room now is a green bag for life, so YANBU to not want this item!

OrdinarySnowflake · 03/07/2019 14:01

Call up the company, tell them you've had a delivery as a gift but it's the wrong colour, can it be changed. You'll probably have to pay for delivery, but surely it won't be more than you've saved.

Failing that, ebay it and buy the one you want.

I do understand, it's the control by doing something that on the face of it looks nice, so you look shitty to complain.

Get it changed, it'll annoy you forever if not.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 03/07/2019 14:01

It will still be cheaper for you if you return it for an exchange using the money you were going to pay out for it anyway, then buy yourself something nice with the remainder.

BlackCatSleeping · 03/07/2019 14:02

As you’ve already saved the money, I’d just sell it on FB as pick-up only and get the one you want. Hopefully this will make your MIL pay more attention to you in the future.

Deuxcaggages · 03/07/2019 14:03

Use the money you have saved to put towards the cost of returning it for the colour you want. Look online for cheap courier, they're not always that expensive.

Use surplus cash to buy something nice, or maybe something to compliment whatever it is you now have.

BlackCatSleeping · 03/07/2019 14:03

Also, I suspect this is one of those threads where the OP is just looking for a rant, rather than advice.

notangelinajolie · 03/07/2019 14:04

Say thank you and accept her gift. It doesn't stop you from buying one in the colour you wanted - you will be no worse off because you were planning on buying one in the first place. Make yourself smile OP - life is too short to be worrying about stuff like this - get yourself off to the shops Smile

mummmy2017 · 03/07/2019 14:09

Another vote for calling the company to swap it, explain to customers service and bet they agree ...
You already told her not to buy it, so stuff her feelings, then use the extra cash to buy the next new item you want..

EerieSilence · 03/07/2019 14:11

TBH, when it comes to functionality, I'd be delighted someone bought it for me and fuck the colour if I'm not buying it for decorative purposes.
And if it were Kitchenaid as someone said, I'd take it even if it were bright pink and covered with pictures of shitting fairies and farting unicorns.

drowningincustard · 03/07/2019 14:12

Its so annoying! I never get anything new - so when that rare occasion comes round you want it to be the right thing precisely because you are buying what you want that is new...
If you have saved the money - buy it in the colour you want.
Sell the other one locally - facebook or ebay so buyer collects. Put the money aside to give back if mil kicks off...
Yes its annoying, a waste of some money and irritating to have to deal with this, but instead of looking at it and feeling grrr its the wrong colour, you will look at it and be saying yesss - i worked hard for that.

BrendasUmbrella · 03/07/2019 14:14

Some people don't care about these things, others do. That doesn't make other side "children".

Buy the one you want anyway! Put hers away in a cupboard and try to remember to swap them when you see her. Or could you tell her that a relative of yours bought you one too? Either way, you have the cash so order the one you want!! In a few years she'll have forgotten and you can sell hers or give it away.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2019 14:17

If it would cost too much to return, sell it on. Or regift it if you know someone (outside MiL's social circle) who would like it. As a last resort donate it to a school or facility if it's something they could use, or to a charity shop so some good comes of it. Since it didn't cost you anything, giving it away or regifting it doesn't come out of your pocket. And since you're replacing it with the same thing in another colour you could tell exMiL that you exchanged the item for a colour that 'matches your decor better' or whatever.

She's your EX-MiL, you don't need to worry about your relationship with her too much (unless she provides childcare or such). If she gets in a snit because you 'exchanged' for a different colour, who really cares?

Itssosunny · 03/07/2019 14:19

I'd email the company and ask if on the day of the delivery you could return the other item? But then, they would need the papers. Is the colour very different? Will she notice the change if you use your one?
Also, is it possible for you to use two of these items?

H2OH20Everywhere · 03/07/2019 14:21

You have the money for the one you want, so either sell the one you were given or put it in a charity shop and let someone get a bargain. Or, if you know a friend who would like it gift it to them. You weren't expecting it so even if you get nothing for it you're no worse off than you were last week, you make someone else happy and get to have the one you want.

Itssosunny · 03/07/2019 14:21

Also did the MIL check the item if it works fine?

SavingSpaces2019 · 03/07/2019 14:25

She's very domineering and hard to say no to (I practically begged her on the phone to cancel the order, but she wasn't taking no for an answer)
Either start standing up and asserting yourself now or she'll walk all over you for the rest of your life.
Did she know which colour you wanted it in?
Cos if she did and ignored it - then she's being passive aggressive with you.
If she didn't, and she's refusing to give you the details to exchange it for the right colour- then you know she's deliberately being a bitch.

In future, don't tell her things that you don't want her interfering in.
She sounds the type who, if you had kids, would buy them the gifts that you were planning on buying or saving up for.

diddl · 03/07/2019 14:29

If it will be i a cupboard & just taken out to use I might keep it.

As pps have put though, even if it cost £50 to return, then you've got what you want for £50!

DarlingNikita · 03/07/2019 14:31

Just buy the one you wanted and sell the other, if you can't return it without her input.
If she comes round and sees, remind her that you asked her not to buy it. Don't engage with any more guilt-tripping or sulking or whatever she does.

OrdinarySnowflake · 03/07/2019 14:36

OP - sometimes you just need other people to tell you it's ok to not accept a gift you didn't ask for.

So it's ok not to accept it.

Your options:

  1. contact the company and see if you can get it changed, this might cost you a bit, but not much
  2. refuse to accept the delivery, you didn't order it, don't accept it, let MIL sort that out with the company (it might be too late if you already have it)
  3. ebay it, collection only if it's big, even if you only get £1 for it, you aren't worse off than you were when you planned to buy your own
  4. put up with it and be annoyed everytime you look at it that it's not quite right, and deal with MIL's smugness about knowing best

These are your options as far as I can see, I think 4 is the worse idea, personally.

Come on, make a plan !

Ninkaninus · 03/07/2019 14:39

You’re definitely not being unreasonable.

Sell it and give her the money back. Thank her but just say nicely that you preferred the other one but you appreciated her thoughtfulness.

If she gets pissed off that will be her own issue and nothing to do with you.

In future don’t talk to her about things you want or are planning to get, or you’ll have a lifetime of this sort of thing.

gamerchick · 03/07/2019 14:42

Definitely sell it and get the one you want.

Whathappenedtooursummer · 03/07/2019 14:49

I can't grasp why all these mils have dils phone numbers!! Hell would have frozen over before I handed mine out!
So less stressful ime!!
Def recommend it..
Fake getting a new number then keep forgetting to share it!!..just block!!
Mh status escalates!!

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