Not AIBU - a plea for help saying no

[clpsmum]

Posting for traffic as posted on divorce and not had any responses!

My stbxh has been working away since we split and only back at weekends. He has this week started working locally again. Kids are now on summer holidays and I know that he is going to be asking to pop round during the day to see them. Please help me think of some responses to say no in a nice way. I dont want him popping in and out whenever he's bored.

As a footnote I did ask him to take a whole three days of work during the summer holidays to help me out with DC and he said no.

The important point is whether the children would like to see him. If so, then there have to be regular times.

I should think you could just tell him that is too inconvenient to you to not know when or if he will be popping over. Offer him some specific dates/times and let him choose the ones that work best for you. Then he can have the kids on those days. He doesn't get to inconvenience you just because it's easier for him to have no plan in place.

Practice saying no in the mirror until it doesn't feel silly anymore. You can do it!

Text him

I’m organising kids stuff over the holidays
They are so far free X y and Z days - if you’d let me know of you can take them

Easy

damntheman has good advice

Say no but then offer alternative eg. That doesn’t work for us but Tuesday evening would be good etc.

You need a formal arrangement in place. Why not propose one. For example he can have them wednesdays and eow?

Send him a message saying
"Now that you are back locally we need to have a more formal arrangement for care of dc. It won't be appropriate for you to just drop in when we are not expecting you. Here is my suggestion. Please reply by Friday to confirm whether you agree with this or if you have any amendments"

then include a calendar with all the dates and time mapped out.

Only offer him times that are convenient to you

What all the PPs have said - offer him some set times in writing so you have evidence that you have supported and encouraged contact. This doesn't however mean you have to enable him to come round unannounced or at short notice.

Sorry all didn't mean it to sound like he doesn't see them. He has them overnight on a Saturday. I've offered him extra dates over holidays but he's refused. What he expects is to phone and say is it ok if I drop by for ten minutes to see boys. And that's what he does he's literally here ten minutes at the most. I don't want him to think this is ok and he can just pop by whenever he wants. I also don't want to sound like I'm just being spiteful. He can't seem to get it in his head that I don't want to be with him or be his friend

I basically want to say: no Ido t want you just popping over all the time because I don't want to see you. The problem is I'm a big wimp!!

What are you worried he's going to do if you say no? Thing is if he's that entitled he will hear any form of "no" as you being spiteful no matter how you say it. So you might as well just be firm and say look we're not together any more, you're my ex and it's not appropriate for you to be dropping in as though you still live here.

Keep it simple say no I'm not going to take any calls and accept a visit for 10min, but they are avaliable X day (s) at (insert 1hr time slot) for you to take out during the holidays. Then don't take the call and make sure they are available to go out in that slot. When time slot up you and kids are out/unavailable.

@MyCatHatesEverybody you're absolutely right! He is going to see whatever I say as me being spiteful so I'm probably as well just to say sorry no!

You shouldn’t let him in the door

Say hang on I’ll get their shoes / where you off to?

@GreenTulips hahahahaha I wish I were brave enough