To want to leave over constant lying?

[Freckels]

I'll try to keep this as short and simple as possible as don't want to ramble on.

This morning I've caught DP out in a lie. I can't understand why he felt the need to lie about this but essentially it is that he said to me he was at work but he was actually at a hospital appoinemt with his son and his son's grandma.

He had previously told me last week he couldn't attend the appointment as he couldn't get it off work and that son's grandma had sorted alternative transport and support during the appointment.

This morning I turned his iPad on for my son and his messenger pinged up with messages from his colleague asking him why he wasn't in work yesterday and if he was okay. I read the messages and DP had replied to colleague saying he had to take his son into hospital as he was unwell and it was an emergency. But this wasn't true either as it was a pre arranged appointment. I thought he may have said this to a colleague as perhaps this is how he was getting the day off if it was previously denied.

But I don't understand why he lied to me about it? He actually got up in the morning and pretended to leave for work. When I had rang him on my lunch break from work he pretended to be his own lunch break. When I got home from work he pretended to read text messages from his son's grandma detailing the outcome of the appointment. But of course he already knew this as he was there!

I am just so baffled as to why he has lied about this as I had no issue with him going to the appointment or anything like that.

This isn't the first time I have caught him out at lying. Some lies have been trivial white lies, others have been fairly big, serious things that have had a negative effect on our relationship and caused difficulties, almost causing me to walk a couple of years back.

We worked on it for the sake of the child we share together and things had seemed to be getting better but now this.

I feel sick and tired of being lied to.

I don't know if I'm overreacting or if this should be the final straw. WIBU to leave?

You can split for any reason, lying is as good as any.

I had a boyfriend like that who would lie and lie about everything. Mostly inconsequential, but it made me paranoid - if he lies when he’s with his mum then he’ll lie when he’s with another woman. Which he did.

What else has he lied about?

Have you sat down and explained that you know he's lying about yesterday?

It would do my head in too, especially if you'd already explained you had no problem with him going to the appointment.

Does he understand that he's destroying your trust (and therefore the relationship)?

Do you know for sure that he was at the appointment? Can grandma corroborate? If not then he was somewhere else entirely.

My XH was a pathological liar about pointless stuff and it was so unsettling and definitely part of the reason we split.

I can't confirm that that's where he was so I'll never know for sure. His son's grandma is his ex's mum so not his own mother so I don't know her well enough to ask her.

The other things he's lied about that have been major have been meeting his ex at his flat (before we lived together) or telling me he's going to do something else when in fact he's been meeting ex with their kids. All of this was explained away as him doing it to spend time with his children/in the interest of his children and he didn't tell me as he didn't want to upset me or make me paranoid that he was with his ex.

It turned out that ex was deliberately trying to sabotage our relationship and I was right to be paranoid about those things.

I'm trying not to be too outing but as I know it's going to be asked: I'm not worried about him secretly seeing ex as she has now passed away.

But it would seem that some of the lying that I had thought was caused by his ex is actually just something in his personality as he has continued to lie.

I filed for divorce after sooooo many lies from exh. It was very draining.. Such a relief to be rid ime.

Thank you for explaining. Yes, my first thought was maybe he was seeing his ex, but if she's passed away he literally has NO reason for lying about yesterday.

Have you called him out on it yet?

Yes, I sent him a message asking him if he was off work yesterday. He didn't answer the message for a long time which is usually how I know I've caught him out and eventually he rang me and didn't acknowledge the message I'd sent him or anything about yesterday but instead went into a long ramble about how he's not been feeling okay lately with the pressures of work and home life and it's all just been getting too much for him. When I asked him if he was going to explain why he had felt the need to lie about yesterday he said he couldn't talk as had to get back to work (if he's even really there!) and that we would discuss it tonight.

There’s no point talking to him about anything at all, ever. He is a liar. Not caused by an ex. He chooses to lie.
You have to decide if you can live with never knowing if what he says is what is happening, For me, I would not be able to live like that and split. YANBU.

My dad is like this. He can't help himself. He even lies about what he's eaten for dinner. It's very strange. I couldn't be with someone like that.

Tough one.

Maybe try to get to the bottom of WHY he lied about it. Then decide whether or not it's time to end the relationship or not.

But YANBU. This would drive me mad; never knowing whether to believe a thing he says or not. It's no way to to live. Sorry he is doing this.

My concern would be that he wasn't at the appointment at all, only way to be sure is to see if his son's grandma had messaged him to fill him in or check his location on phone GPS. You could ask him to show you both but he has had time to cover himself. He lied previously to see his ex, so I might have suspected cheating or something then, so makes me wonder if he is using the appointment as an excuse for work and work as an excuse for you and grandma. To me that is the only logical conclusion really as there is no reason to lie otherwise. He still hasn't explained it and tried to dodge it. He has proven that he lies about things when he knows you won't like what he's doing.

Either way, you can't trust him and that is no foundation for a relationship.

My ex was like this, I put it down to being young and immature but 10 years later he still hadn’t changed so I left. We aren’t together but talk occasionally when handing dc over and I’ve noticed he still does this now, lies about pointless silly things and seems genuinely convinced by them. He will never change, it’s who he is. I suspect, your dp will be the same and I wouldn’t expect you to be happy to continue living like that. Good luck.

There is nothing worse than an habitual liar. Drives me crazy. So often it's completely trivial stuff that there is no need to lie about so why?

It's just so tiring. I can already feel the paranoia creeping back in, wondering if he's actually been at half of the places he's said he's been at. Not just that but it makes me worry about what he says to other people. I have noticed within the last year or so that his family have gradually talked to me less and less and on my recent birthday I was pretty much snubbed. I do wonder whether that's due to him saying things to them that aren't true as he's done similar before. (Or maybe this is just the paranoia). It really is no way to live.

Whatever excuse, reason or explanation he comes up with as to why he lied about yesterday, would you even believe it anyway?

He's obviously buying himself some time with the "blah blah pressure, blah blah it's all to much, blah blah we'll talk tonight".

I suspect he was somewhere else entirely yesterday and to use "my son got rushed into hospital as an emergency" is absolutely vile.

It'll be interesting to see how he addresses the apparent text messages from the child's grandma - he either does have those messages, so he wasn't at the medical appointment, or he has the ability to sit there straight faced "reading" out "text messages" that don't even exist.

Whichever way it goes he's a very accomplished, calculating, liar, you're going to end up a paranoid wreck and your child is going to grow up thinking this is all normal .

I was married to a liar. It got to the stage where he would lie even if it was blatantly obvious that it was a lie. And I mean blatantly obvious. I think he somehow had to, like it was a compulsion or obsession. I divorced him and subsequently discovered that most of my marriage was a complete sham. It's so hard when you discover something like that. Honestly OP, I'd get out now because I don't think this is going to get any better

I was In a relationship for 4.5 years with a compulsive liar. We split up 2 years ago because I was sick of it. There were there factors involved too,but this was the main one. It had got to the stage where every time he opened his mouth,a lie would fall out of it. He would lie about big things,but also about things where I couldn't understand why he felt the need to lie. E.g. how old his sister was. The final straw was when he lied about how long he was going abroad for to visit his family. He was adamant that he was going for 4 weeks. Then,when I spoke to him on the phone a week after he'd gone,he said he was staying for 12 weeks! I was furious,not because he was staying 12 weeks instead of 4,but because he'd blatantly lied about it. He flatly denied that he had,he said he'd only decided to stay longer after getting there. But after hearing so many other lies,I didn't believe him. Tbh,it was a huge relief once he was out of my life.

I too used to be married to a liar among the other shit things he did and you cant change them. Things got much better after I ended it.