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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Cold shouldered for six weeks.

8 replies

OkMaybeNot · 03/07/2019 10:16

DH goes through phases of being distant and unnapproachable. Like, I'll sit next to him of an evening and try and cuddle up to him and he'll act like a bit of wood until I just leave him alone. Or I'll try to talk to him about something trivial or make a joke and he'll just act disinterested in whatever I have to say. It will go on for days, weeks, sometimes a month. In the beginning I'll ask what's wrong with him and he'll insist he's fine, but he's clearly not.

Eventually I'll have had enough and talk to him/get upset and he'll apologise and tell me what was wrong or what he was thinking about the whole time. I'll talk about it with him, he'll promise to be more communicative in the future, everything goes back to normal. We have a really loving relationship when he's not like this. He's really affectionate, considerate and kind.

But he's just done it again and I'm so fucking tired of it. It's been six weeks. Things have been civil but it's been like living with a roommate... completely platonic towards me out of nowhere. Usually at the very least he'd give me a hug while I'm making dinner or a kiss on the cheek here and there, but nothing. I've tried being affectionate, tried initiating sex, I get stonewalled. This time I haven't asked him to tell me what's up, and he's grown more and more distant and cold. At my worst I've start to wonder if there's something wrong with me, if I'm ugly, if I'm annoying to be around.

The thing is that he is autistic. I don't know how much of this behaviour is related or as a direct result of that.

This time though it's because he read something about being happy outside of your relationship and it being healthier not to rely on your partner for your happiness in life - fine. But he's interpreted that literally as 'don't look to your partner for any sort of comfort or affection'.

But tbh I'm sick of it. I can't stand feeling like this.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 03/07/2019 11:14

I'd be sick of it too. What's the point of the relationship, you have to wonder?!

MyOpinionIsValid · 03/07/2019 11:19

I know this always sounds like a needling question, but why are you with him? What are you getting our of this relationship how are yoru needs being fulfilled?

They arent are they? This isnt a normal, healthy, loving relationship, and it will affect your mental health and wellbeing in the long term.

You know, and I know, from what you've written, that it is quite probably time to call this relationship quits and move on.

BBBear · 03/07/2019 11:21

That sounds unbearable. Are you married? Do you have children.

If there are no children involved I would leave (and probably even if there are children, would just be a bit more difficult).

Damntheman · 03/07/2019 11:45

I'd start telling him how upset his behaviour is making you a LOT earlier than six weeks OP. If he cold shoulders you for an evening and is still doing it the next day then tell him he's upsetting you and needs to share whatever it is.

ThistleDownHair · 03/07/2019 11:49

I can relate to this as I’m autistic (as is my son).

It’s really really hard to budge your mindset when it turns negative. It’s overwhelming - thoughts constantly going around and around in your head - and you inevitably find yourself in s spiral of despair.

Please talk to him. I find I can only snap out of these things when my partner draws me into conversation. We talk through my thoughts and he reassures me.

This is not like a typical relationship where this behaviour would be a reflection on how he feels about you. It’s a massive mistake to think that.

Talk to him openly about the situation, how it makes you feel (he won’t necessarily see that right now as he’s clearly distracted) before deciding how this affects your relationship moving forward.

OkMaybeNot · 03/07/2019 15:14

We have three lovely children. He is an amazing dad - and I really mean that. When he's not like this he's loving and funny and attentive.

Please talk to him. I find I can only snap out of these things when my partner draws me into conversation. We talk through my thoughts and he reassures me.

And yes this is what happens, I finally snap and get angry or upset and he finally talks to me about whatever it is and it's fine after that.

And I know that I should do that straight away, not be stubborn and try to out-last him, but I tell myself why should I? Why should I be the one to fix it and confront it when I've done absolutely nothing wrong? Feels like I'm being punished. Always baring my soul and telling him I'm upset when he shouldn't be upsetting me in the first place.

It's hard. Living with him is a struggle and I know he struggles as well but fuck me it's hard.

OP posts:
ThistleDownHair · 03/07/2019 15:40

Do you still love him?

If you do I think you need to accept how he is and deal with these situations immediately and not allow them to drag on. It’s unfair on you both.

I think your mindset is slightly off. It’s not about life being all fair and equal and you not being punished for stuff you’ve not done. My partner suffers severe anxiety and it can manifest itself in deep depression at times and it can be really hard. However I don’t think “here we go again....this is not even my fault...” I just focus on him and support him in anyway I possibly can. Neither of us are perfect (far from it!) but we are completely in love and would do anything for each other.

Ihatehashtags · 03/07/2019 15:47

That’s no life. He needs counselling to sort out another way to deal with his anxiety. You need to decide whether to stay or go. His behaviour is abusive

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