husband wants a 2nd child and I don't

[lostnotfound]

I have a beautiful daughter with my husband, but her entry into the world was a tricky one. The truth is, I did not want a child. I was truthful with my partner when I met him (over 10 years ago) that I had no interest in kids. He, on the other hand, did. And somehow I let him convince me to have one.

So we had my daughter. I had severe postnatal depression when she was born (I was put on meds and almost hospitalised), and parenting has been such a struggle for me. I don't expect much sympathy here and I'm not asking for it because I know that this was my own doing.

In any case, I love my daughter more than any one else in the world, and I know that on my deathbed she is the one I will be thinking of. She is amazing. And I try very hard to be a good parent, I really do.

But it's hard. I find parenting so hard: I'm an anxious person and extremely introverted so I think I knew looking after another life would be challenging which is why it never appealed in the first place. I don't know how other people do it. We are at a stage where I am just about coping. I work (it is my refuge) and juggle motherhood and we seem to be managing. But I feel like I am a hair's breath away from collapsing. Maybe I never really got over my depression, who knows? Everyone tells me I look dog-tired and I've lost a lot of weight to the point where I am really skin and bones. (Oh by the way, my husband does his share, in fact, more than his fair share. He is a hands on dad, so I have to give him credit there.)

Now here's the thing. My husband is pestering me to have a second. I have said 'no'. I've reminded him that I've already compromised. I've reminded him of the horrible postnatal depression. And frankly, I don't even understand why I need to give him a reason. This always ends in an argument. He becomes quite condescending to me when I say 'no' and likes to remind me that I come from a 'dysfunctional' family (my mum committed suicide, so I guess he's not wrong) and how he's had to put up with all my psychiatric crap (postnatal depression + a long grieving period after my mum died) and why can't I just be 'normal'?

I don't know what I to do. I feel that if my husband cared for me he would not want to put me through this when he knows I am so against it. What do you think? Am I being unreasonable?

Also, what do you think I should do? Sometimes I think the only answer is divorce. But it's all so bloody messy now. I'm so unbelievably sad. I feel like I've married a bully.

it’s a hard situation to be in when views on children don’t align.. I think you have been open and honest with him from the start and if you are really uncomfortable with the idea of more then you need to stick to your guns.

And I just want to say you sound like a great mother.. it’s easy to be a great mum when you’re naturally maternal whether you sound like it is much more of a struggle for you.. so I think you deserve even more praise.

The one who says no should be the one with the final word. If the one who wants another prefers, they can leave and have a child with someone else.

Nobody should be forced/coerced/manipulated into having another child.

Offer him life as it is or the door. And double down on your birth control in the meantime.

I have great sympathy for you, many mothers feel as you do. Don't be bullied into a pregnancy you do not want. Your husband will come round eventually.

Your dh is being a dick...he is completely disrespecting you. He knew you didnt want kids but has manipulated you into it. Your dd sounds great and you sound like a great mum but you can stop at 1. You have indeed married a bully.
I would ltb.

Wow, he sounds horrible. I only wanted one after dd1 was born. I couldn't even contemplate it until dd1 was 3.

Dh would have many more but respected that it was me that was dealing with majority of this and was very patient with me.

We did have dd2 when dd1 was almost 5 but that's because l was ready.

This may be the end of your marriage if he keeps going. It would be for me.

Putting the PND aside for a moment..

No one has the right to demand pregnancy. It’s sad when couples feel very differently about having children but in those cases it should go on the wishes of the person who doesn’t want children as it’s not fair to make a reluctant parent (and yes I think if you’re incompatible it is a deal breaker). So on these grounds it’s not fair to push someone into parenting.

Then I think no man has the right to demand a woman goes through pregnancy and childbirth for them - it’s a stress to the body that you have to want to do.

Then finally, returning to PND, I agree with you that someone should not want to put their partner through something that affects their mental health to that extent.

So I say 3 x YANBU.

Should you divorce? If he’s going to bully you then yes of course. This cannot continue.

Can you talk to him? I’m assuming that he has in his mind a perfect, happy, large(?) family and he’s willing to put the work in /pull his weight to achieve this which he might see as his part of the deal. Whilst that is useful he needs to understand that he needs to support you. Not just practically, but emotionally.

“I feel like I've married a bully”

Sounds like it.

I know someone who let herself be hassled into a second child when she didn’t want the first. They ended up divorced and arguing because neither wanted majority care of the DC. So the kids literally split their lives half half between two parents who aren’t keen. And a lot of time with grandparents.

Stick to your guns Op if he doesn’t like it he can fuck off. Have you thought about having the coil fitted or the implant maybe speak to your GP about getting sterilised just explain everything that you went through having your DD and that you are against the idea of having anymore and that you won’t change your mind. You sound like a great mum I just think you married a bully. Have you thought about leaving him. Good luck with everything OP. Don’t let him talk you in to having anymore there is no law that says you have to have more than 1 baby.