I was in a deeply emotionally and sexually abusive relationship for 5 years with a manchild who did and said some of the most atrocious things I've ever encountered. I was so emotionally and mentally beaten down I wished for my own death. I didn't get out sooner, I was scared and alone. I had literally nowhere to go and didn't realise how bad things were. I expect to be judged on this, I judge myself on it every single day.
I have two DDs who he fathered. He's always been feckless and played favoritism for the eldest making the youngest feel utterly unwanted. After many discussions he finally started treating DD2 better, still not equal to DD1.
I don't want to send them anymore.
I've threatened to stop visits in the past due to horrible things he's done but he always says I'm using them as weapons and I feel guilted into sending them again. The situation isn't healthy for the girls. I know that. I hate him but I've tried to be cordial for the last 6 years. Invited him into my home for birthdays and xmas' only to have him not thank me and my DH but actually insult us in our own home. We put a stop to it. Can't tolerate bullies.
For some background:
- I broke up with him repeatedly, he wouldn't leave my life or my home and threatened suicide. I was badly raised and thought this was normal of a partner. I was young and frankly very stupid naive.
- If I wore makeup he'd infer I was a whore.
- He'd tell me how I'd look so much better dressed a different way. Changing my entire wardrobe to suit him.
- He raped me in my sleep the entire relationship, I didn't know until DD2 appeared from nowhere when we were broken up. I'm a very deep sleeper and have sleep paralysis often. He told me he has sexomnia. I've already been to court for rape once and don't want to ever do that to myself again. Sexomniac rape apparently doesn't count in court. I don't know if he's lying.
- He would remind me on my birthday every year about the miscarriage I had as a teen and about when I was raped at 16.
- He would spend all his paycheck on video games and clothes and then rely on my tiny benefits for bills and food.
- He would chat up his exes in secret and bar me from talking to male friends.
- I was completely socially isolated from my friends and don't have any family and he would make fun of it.
- He allowed his mother to insult me for anything and everything, which she did in text form at least 20 times a day from the day I met her until the day I reported her to the police for it.
This isn't even the half of it towards me.
For the last few years he's done some things I think border child abuse or neglect. He claims he didn't know it was wrong and apologises but then does something else.
- His house is filthy, absolutely filthy. The girls ALWAYS come back sick. I've called him up on it repeatedly and still they come back with sickness bugs, infections, this past time DD1 has come back with varrucas from being barefoot in his KITCHEN. It's the only place she's been barefoot in the time frame. No one has them here and we haven't been anywhere she could have been exposed to them.
- He's made loud sexual remarks in front of them. (at sight of busty woman walking past he said "HEH, jiggle physics").
- He's driven in the car with them not belted in.
- He's told them to lie to me. DD1 had eaten part of a plastic lighbulb in his care (She has SEN), he told them not to tell me and they were really terrified to.
- He gave DD1 (With SEN) a black eye by slamming a door in her face to avoid her seeing a birthday present meant for her, a month after her birthday. He didn't tell me as he never does, and hoped it would fade in time for drop off.
- He let them watch Bob's burgers, South Park, Family Guy as a 2&3year old. I didn't find out until they were 3&4 and could tell me themselves.
He still allows them access to adult games and TV. They're only 6&8.
- He has zero common sense and treats them like his mates rather than his children.
- He's a self branded "nice guy" and talks in a very entitled manner about women. He can't see how his opinions can and do influence the girls negatively.
- When I moved out (finally) he told me that moving the tax credits into my name solely would leave him homeless and did I really want that on my conscience. He was genuinely prepared to see my daughters go without essentials so he could pay rent in the house he bullied me and the girls out of.
- He let's them stay up until after 10pm.
I just don't know what to do. The girls like him I think and like seeing him but I do genuinely feel it's more out of pity for him as he guilts them the entire time they're there. Always talking about his money problems and stuff as if they're his friends.
When I get them back they're irritable, badly behaved and act like a 50 year old man. Dealthy worried about money and pleading with me on why I can't share my money with him or have us all live together under the same roof.
More on the sexomnia thing. He tells my girls he kicks and punches in his sleep so they can't share a bed with him. It makes my stomach turn to have them tell me this lie when they get home.
WIBU to stop sending them? He's a really nasty piece of work but is very good at manipulation. I'm so worried he'd take it to court and be granted 50/50.