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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to give them away?

26 replies

Fedupmum88 · 02/07/2019 19:07

I have 2 children both ASD. I’m so exhausted with the constant melt downs/hospital appointments/battles for support. This is not the life I imagined. I love them both dearly but I miss my old life and dream about how different life would have been if my children were Neuro typical. I feel like a terrible mother but I fantasise about giving them away and starting over. AIBU? 😢

OP posts:
AltasCloud · 02/07/2019 19:09

I don't have advice but wanted to offer Flowers I'm sure every parent feels like this at some point!

MyOpinionIsValid · 02/07/2019 19:11

I would imagine all of us, at one time or another have wistfully thought about rehoming children, like kittens!

LakieLady · 02/07/2019 19:13

Oh blimey, that must be so tough, OP.

No advice, but Flowers and Gin to cheer you up.

RaynaJaymes · 02/07/2019 19:13

How old are they? Is there any respite available in your area

Pinkyyy · 02/07/2019 19:19

Have you checked out all of the resources available help you out? I can only imagine the way you must feel.

If it helps I saw that Katie price has spoken publicly about feeling this way with her son, and so many others came forward to say they were having the same struggles.

You are amazing, stay strongFlowers

fleshmarketclose · 02/07/2019 19:20

I hear you Flowers. Ds is 24 and dd is 16 both with autism. I'm exhausted, the battles never end and it's soul destroying.

EKGEMS · 02/07/2019 19:21

Honey, you're just exhausted! Believe me I dream of what life could've been had my son not suffered a stroke as a preemie! Usually a short break and time for myself helps as does acknowledging the stresses of additional needs children helps

Original poster
Fedupmum88 · 02/07/2019 20:51

Thanks for the kind replies.

They are 4&2. We don’t get any respite my parents used to have them both for one night a week but they can’t help anymore as they’re struggling with their own health. I believe they have to be 5 to get respite in my area.

I’m in a battle with the our LA at the minute over school provision. Why does everything have to be a fight? I’ve literally just cried all afternoon. 😢 I’m in touch with our local IASS but they usually take days to respond and then just refer me to the IPSEA website.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupmum88 · 02/07/2019 20:53

So sorry to hear about your son EKGEMS hope he’s doing ok now?

OP posts:
TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 02/07/2019 21:00

It will get better keep plugging sometimes you can get respite before 5, 2 is early for a diagnosis -your plate is full I'm sure you're doing a great job Thanks

EKGEMS · 02/07/2019 21:20

He's got severe cerebral palsy but can spend some solo time entertaining himself in his own room but is like having a very large toddler forever. Diapers,feeding tube,endless therapies and appointments. He's a miracle to survive all he has overcome. Thanks for asking.

WineGummyBear · 02/07/2019 21:25

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It sounds relentless. You are doing a great job and you are not unreasonable for having these feelings, I think anyone would in your shoes.

I really hope you make some progress getting the support you and your family so desperately need.

Waveysnail · 02/07/2019 21:26

I found NAS very good. HV can do referral to additional needs toddler groups. Def worth trying some parent support groups.

Education will almost be always be a battle sadly. Worth looking into legal support just incase.

Anarchyshake · 02/07/2019 21:50

It's normal to feel this way.
I'm sorry you're so exhausted right now.
I'm between appointments for my eldest at the moment but need to start the ball rolling for my youngest.
It's never ending.
Sometimes I cry and wish we were all neurotypical.

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 21:53

Do they have EHCPs? IASS are naff as is that website. I took our LA to tribunal to get my son the 1:1 care he needed in school.

I’m not surprised you’re struggling - it’s a lot to deal with especially when all the organisations supposed to help just make everything harder & more stressful.

AverageMummy · 02/07/2019 21:56

Do you have a partner? My friend has small children inc one with autism & recently went away for a night in a hotel by herself. I know it’s not the same as having couple time - but if you could arrange it, a night away - having a restaurant meal, having a swim, reading a book, sleeping in etc could do you the world of good.

Original poster
Fedupmum88 · 02/07/2019 22:45

The 4 year old has an EHCP. 2 year old hasn’t been officially diagnosed yet but we’re on the pathway.

So sorry to hear others are having a similar struggle but it does make me feel like I’m not so alone so thank you for sharing.

I do have a partner. He doesn’t have much patience so I always feel nervous about leaving the kids alone with him for long periods which I know is ridiculous.

OP posts:
TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 03/07/2019 05:47

Partner needs some post diagnostic support to understand them more do they do early bird programme near you? You have to get on before child is 5 3 month parenting autistic programme

SinkGirl · 03/07/2019 06:01

OP, I just posted about struggling with this myself a couple of days ago - I feel like something in my brain has fractured and I can’t just keep going any more. I’ve been in tears for most of the last 48 hours.

You are not alone x

FancyACarrot · 03/07/2019 06:30
Flowers

Do you have 'Homestart' in your area? speak to an HV and ask if you can get referred for this or any other support. A referral to Early Help in Children Services can open a few doors for otherwise unavailable support.

mathanxiety · 03/07/2019 06:31

Would you feel so stressed if your partner was more patient and you felt you could leave the children with him so you could get a day off once a week? he could get a day off too. Maybe Sat /Sun?

I really urge you to sit down with him and try to talk about patience and your nervousness. You need to be able to trust him. If there have been incidents that have made you wary he needs to acknowledge those and reassure you.

If talking informally might be hard, and if you are able to get any respite time from your parents or anyone else and can afford a counselor or mediator, please get a few appointments so you and P can talk about working effectively together through this and about confidence in each other.

He will be in desperate straits if you collapse.

Flowers
Bowerbird5 · 03/07/2019 06:46

I work with children on the spectrum and have done for a long time. I understand. You sound exhausted. Are there any local charities that will give you support? Some like Mencap have a babysitting service. You might be able to have a break.
Your not a terrible mother. It is constant and exhausting.

DuploRelatedInjury · 03/07/2019 06:51

Oh OP I completely get where your coming from - I only have 1 with ASC (5yo) and I'm constantly worrying about DC2 (nearly 2) showing any signs. It's like having 2 toddlers a lot of the time and I'm struggling already to manage DC1 when she's being violent in a meltdown and I'm at a loss as to how to carry on as she gets stronger.

I also feel the guilt of wishing she did not have ASC. Lots of love to you - I hope the advice you've been given already helps you Thanks

Feelingwalkedover · 03/07/2019 07:34

I’ve 2 with autism.neither in school for the past year .both waiting for specialist provision ,that they will refuse to go to due to PDA and anxiety.its a constant merry go round of people involved. They get nowhere then leave ,and we get some other professional who thinks they will be the one to sort everything out,then when they can’t and they realise how difficult the dc are ,we get another agency/ professional..
That causes more stress a lot of the time than my dc do.
My eldest is 20 ,with ehcp .about to start Alevels 2 years behind everyone else.
I’m still doing everything for him as if he was 10.
This is not the life I imagined either.
My dh wants the dc to always live with us ,rather than the assisted living they will need ..because “ you hear such stories of young people being abused in residential type places”
Dh gets to go to work .he isn’t at home trying to get a 20 year old in to clean clothes/ the shower / out of the house etc etc.
Sorry op I know only to well how hard it is .
If I’ve any advice at all ,it’s to make sure you get time for you .to get out for coffee / shopping / gym / Hobby/ walk a dog.
Anything so you feel normal / get a break for a few hours
💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Original poster
Fedupmum88 · 03/07/2019 08:21

They stopped early bird in my area which is a shame as I’ve heard it’s really helpful. Also no home start here.

@mathanxiety yes I think I would feel better if I felt comfortable leaving them with dad. The suggestion of counselling/mediation is a good idea I feel like we don’t talk to each other anymore.

@DuploRelatedInjury So sorry to hear you’re going through similar. It is like having twins at times. Even a trip to the park with them on my own is hard youngest is usually licking the tarmac and eldest is a runner so he usually bolts the first chance he gets.

@Feelingwalkedover I worry so much about the future. I see where your DH is coming from our children are so vulnerable but unfortunately we can’t be with them forever.

OP posts: