Who is BU - mum or me?

[Fishfingersandwichplease]

Bit more of a WWYD really....A while ago, my mum gave me her holiday dates so I have got plenty of notice to get childcare for those two days. No problem at all, have got two great friends who are very happy to help out - one each day. Mum just called to say she has changed her holiday dates so she will now have DD. I said not to worry, I have sorted something else out and don't really want to mess them about. She has told me in no uncertain terms to unarrange it as it is a few weeks away, it shouldn't be a problem. She spoke to me as if I were a child and she can tell me what to do. Not sure if it is what she said or the way that said it that has annoyed me. Am always very grateful for her having DD (although DH and I always help her out too so is a two way street), but was only doing what she asked me to do in the first place so she could book her holiday. She does speak to my sister like this sometimes too, and I always tell my sister not to put up with it as we are in our 40's now! Should I cancel my friends, tell mum no, will stick with current arrangement or meet her halfway and cancel one of the days? Don't want to burn bridges but think she is being a bit controlling in this instance. (if you asked DH he would say she does only do it on her terms but that is a whole other thread!)

Stick to your guns.
Your mother is being rude.

I guess the only thing is if she has changed her holiday date are you going to need to call on the friends again for those days? Would it be better to postpone so you're not using them too much?

It depends if you can manage without her help if she throws her toys out the Pram.
I certainly wouldn’t.

Stick to the arrangements already made

"mum, you brought me up with better manners than that! I couldn't possibly cancel a favour my friend is doing for me because I've had a better offer".

Keep to the arrangements you have already made.

keep the arrangements already made and honestly, stop using her for childcare and look into nursery placements or childminders. The issue here is the lines are blurred because you rely on her

I'd rather not burden my friends unless necessary so I'd cancel. I'm sure they'll be relieved if anything. And then have a word with your DM about the way she spoke.

The tricky thing is it sounds like you’re dependent on her for most of your childcare. Yes she’s being rude and controlling. However, I’d thank the friends, tell them how much you appreciate them offering to help but say they’re no longer needed as your Mum is now available. I’d be very wary of burning bridges unless you could cope without her providing childcare. But in the future, I’d seriously consider a professional set up e.g. nursery as your Mum sounds like a bit of a pain and I wouldn’t want a repeat of this next time she plans a holiday.

In general I am always in favour of sticking to arrangements already made when people start messing plans about. However in this case you have a few things to consider. First when is she now taking her holidays? If this will result in you needing childcare then it might be better to make apologies to your friends for the change in arrangements and ask if they can do the new dates.

Even if you don't need the friends for the new dates its possible that they will be quite happy not to be needed now. It is great that they are willing to help out but will possibly be quite happy not to have to.

Also how dependent on your mother are you? As a pp has said you might have to tread a bit carefully if you need the childcare.

The issue of her talking to you like a child does need sorting pleasantly but firmly. I have experience of this with both my own mother and mil and while it doesn't happen now it took far longer to sort than it needed if only I was a bit firmer years ago. No need for a big falling out hopefully op ...just a firming up of boundaries and pushing more firmly for mutual respect.

Speak to your friends and let them choose. Some might be glad to be let off and others would be keen to still do it. I’d put it entirely at their decision then tell your mum the outcome.

I agree, speak to your friends first.