Ex and birthday parties!!

[user3760x]

Dd sees her dad eow. He lives 2.5 hours away. She travels to see him.

At the moment she is getting invited to lots of birthday parties and the majority are on the weekend she should be with her dad.

She is a very social little girl - she's 7 - and wants to go to the parties.

What do you think should happen in these situations?

She travels to her dads straight after school on a Friday - we meet half way at a service station. We meet at the same place on a Sunday afternoon at about 3-4pm. We are home usually for 5.30 on a Sunday.

My DD misses any parties that fall on a contact weekend. Ex often works weekends so can't easily change. If he could easily change I'd ask him, but it's not worth the abuse

@nauseous5000 he can't change it. It's just sad as she wants to go and hates missing out! I don't want her to miss out either. Especially when it's school on Monday and all her friends went and she didn't.

He was the one that moved away from us, just find it upsetting that she has to sacrifice so much of her little life because of his decision

Unfortunately a judge would deem df more important than friend time. My ds often misses parties as I work so he has a 1-1 trip to an ice cream parlour with the friend! Much better!!
If you don't make a big deal out of it dd won't. At 7 she has no idea how much her relationship with df is of value I imagine!!
She sees friends at school presumably...

I wouldn't want to take it to court or anything and she never misses time with her dad - I know how important that is.

But it's when she shows me the invite and says 'I hope it's not my weekend with daddy' and her face is just so sad if it is. I don't make a big deal out of it, I just find it frustrating. And I'm the bad parent because she can't go.

I have other issues with her dad which is why I'm frustrated - I have an older child with him who has special needs also.

Just make her miss time with her dad just like my DH ex does.

He didn't see his boy for 3 weeks because she thought that parties were more important on his weekends.

Ill reserve further comment on her :)

I would put it to him as the invites arrive. “DD has a party this/next weekend at 2:00-4:00pm in Y town. Would you like to collect her after it?” And let him tell her whether she can go or not.

And even if he says no to the first 5 invites, keep asking about each one that comes after that. He doesn’t get to be shielded from the consequences on his child of him moving so far away.

@Scorpiovenus I don't think parties are more important. I am a step mother too so I see this both ways. My dh ex has just taken time away from us for no reason what so ever. I know the damage it does

However I find it frustrating that dd cannot do both. The travelling is an issue but in all honesty, if dd has plans here....I think he should travel and take her to the parties if he wants to spend time with her.

Id agree to maybe ask if he could bring her to the parties, they're only 2 or 3 hours

Why should dd miss out just because her dad decided to move to the other side of the country and leave all his parenting responsibilities behind? It wasn't an issue when she was younger but it is now.

I think it's a shame on your dd. Have you asked him if he could make arrangements for his daughter to go to the parties?

If he is the one that has moved away then he should be travelling up to take her to these party's.

@RebootYourEngine I just get told it's too far for him to travel and he's not made of money - can't afford the petrol etc etc. But he is also the one that moved.

It is a shame, there is only a small number of girls in here class. It's very boy heavy, so when these invites come up, she doesn't want to miss out all.

Over the last few weeks she has had 2 invites and she's had to miss both parties.

i dont think its your problem or fault. when the invitiations come you tell her "put them in a pile for daddy" and you hand them to him. he moved away. he can either drive back to take her or explain to her that he cant/wont.

@WomanLikeMeLM I agree. Like I say, it wasn't an issue when she was younger but now it is.

He just tells me I'm controlling and I need to stop getting involved with his time. I'm not, I'm just thinking about our daughter!

I do make sure that dd does something with her friends if she has missed a party. I usually have them round after school and do a birthday tea for them but dd is starting to realise that it's not the same.

@dillusionaldog thanks - this is where I'm going wrong! I need to make sure he tells her and it's all on him. It's always my fault and me she gets upset with

I can’t get my gear around parents moving to the other sid rod the country and expecting their child to do all the travelling to them.

He can come and pick her up after a party on Saturday from her home town occasionally, she doesn’t have to miss all of the parties.

In my last post I meant DD could stay with you on the Friday night, you take her to the party and he could collect her. If he is unwilling to drive her there and back on the Saturday.

Agree on her asking him if she can go to the party instead of you saying no all of the time. Why should you be the bad guy?

@BlueSkiesLies I hate it, absolutely hate it.

Dd copes ok with the travelling. Ds (with additional needs) doesn't at all. He's shattered and emotional. I've lost track the amount of times I've tried to speak to ex about it but I just get the same response 'he's fine when he's here'

I'm just at a loss with it all.

I still have to tell him that I don't want ds travelling at all when he starts secondary school until he gets settled - the travelling will be way too much. Dread to think how that one is going to go down

Surely he wants his DD to be happy, not resentful of her time with him in any way. Birthday parties are a big deal at that age. I remember having to miss one because my Mum wanted me to attend a shitty wedding instead and on Monday the whole class were discussing it, I felt so sad and left out.

I would have a conversation with him about it, ask if he’d be willing to swap the weekends when she has parties so she doesn’t miss out.

I have an agreement with my ex that we both discussed heavily. It's that anything related to the girls (we have two dds), takes priority over our "time". They're not toys to be shared but little girls who need the space and understanding to develop into their own person.

Ex was mad at first thinking I was just "taking them away" but he soon realised how important these little milestones are to them and backed down.

I agree with PPs, give him the invites and let him be the one to disappoint her. It's not fair to make you out to be the bad guy when you're the only one putting her feelings first.

@Pinkwink exactly how my dd feels! Like I say, I try do birthday teas for dd and her friends but it's not the same. She hates going to school on a Monday knowing she's missed out.

Ex won't budge on weekends either so all in all....he's just one giant twat.

@Bubblemama thank you, I hope we get to the place where you are now....but it's been over 5 years so I'm not holding my breath

How about you swap weekends sometimes, to allow her to go to the parties?

Not sure if that would work for you....or him.