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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to reassure him?

19 replies

MondayBakedPotato · 02/07/2019 11:52

I have been away from MN for a long time, but I have rejoined - Hi.

I am genuinely confused as to whether I am BU in this situation.

DH was having a bit of a moment of self-doubt and wanted me to reassure him that he wasn't an old and fat bloke. He is in his 50s and a stone over weight. He doesn't look particularly old to me, and he carries his weight well. He can lose it in a very short amount of time if he puts his mind to it.

I felt so angry that he asked me to reassure him because last week he told me my weight was becoming embarrassing to him. He was starting to feel embarrassed to be seen with me. I have zero self-confidence anyway and embarrassment has been my number one emotion to avoid. I embarrass very easily. I felt such shame and embarrassment when he told me that. I knew already that he wants me to lose weight (I need to lose about 5 stone). I use food to make myself feel better (even though I know it doesn't in the long run).

I told him he didn't deserve reassurance. I was so angry. AIBU?

OP posts:
AltasCloud · 02/07/2019 12:07

He was starting to feel embarrassed to be seen with me

Oh my God.

Tell him you're massively embarrassed to be married to such a shallow, insensitive prick.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 02/07/2019 12:17

People can be such dicks!

In your shoes I wouldn't have reassured him either. Twat.

Itisnamechangetimeagain · 02/07/2019 12:24

I think I'd have looked him up and down, said "I'd never judge you. And walked away.

But I'd probably have dropped him for calling my weight embarrassing.

Chinks123 · 02/07/2019 12:37

If he’s embarrassed to be seen with you, do yourself a favour and dump him, he sounds awful.

Dp put 4/5 stone on a few years ago, and I always reassured him I loved him, I only said something when his health started to suffer and he collapsed walking a few flights of stairs...but I wasn’t mean, I said I was worried about him and helped him lose the weight. He lost 5 stone and has his confidence back. Your partner should be trying to make you feel loved and confident, not embarrassed.

I wouldn’t reassure him either, it works both ways.

Sparklesocks · 02/07/2019 12:44

He sounds horrible, he wants you to hold his hand and reassure him about his looks but is happy to slag you off and insult your weight?? Projection much?

He doesn’t sound like a very nice partner

Original poster
MondayBakedPotato · 02/07/2019 13:44

He can't see how sad it makes me, or he can but he thinks he is justified because I have put on so much weight.
He sent me a message saying that he loves me, that I hate myself so what is he supposed to do? I suggested that he didn't say I was embarrassing.
I do hate myself, I have really low self esteem and he sees that his comments hurt but he says he is just being honest. I wish he would lie. Convincingly.

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 02/07/2019 13:46

Your DH is a twat

VivienneHolt · 02/07/2019 13:49

What a prick!!! Yanbu in the slightest Flowers

RonaldMcDonald · 02/07/2019 13:51

This might be a good opportunity to say that he hurt your feelings discussing your weight and as you don’t wish to hurt him in the same way and would rather not say.

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 02/07/2019 13:56

I'm surprised that someone hasn’t already written here that you could lose several stone of (dead)weight quite easily by dumping his vile abusive arse.

So I have

PapayaCoconut · 02/07/2019 14:01

He sent me a message saying that he loves me, that I hate myself so what is he supposed to do?

Yeah, what is he supposed to do? Reassure you? Surely not? Such special treatment is only for him.

Seeleyboo · 02/07/2019 14:21

Well actually DH you resemble a sweaty Uncle Fester.

Whatdayisit2 · 02/07/2019 17:14

I think this kind of thing is sometimes meant to provide the impetus you need to lose weight (huge mistake) and it reflects a total lack of understanding of the frame of mind you need to be in to diet. If he has a bit to lose why don't you challenge him to do it together that way he can at least try to be positive for you ?

PositiveVibez · 02/07/2019 17:18

Quick way to lose about 14 stone - dump the insensitive twat.

What a HORRIBLE thing to say to your wife.

He's embarrassed to be seen with you!!!! Cheeky fucker. HE is the embarrassment.

PositiveVibez · 02/07/2019 17:19

Oh and I bet your self-esteem will return pretty damn quick if you fuck him off.

Original poster
MondayBakedPotato · 02/07/2019 17:48

He says things like this to provoke change. Unfortunately it doesn't work with me. As with all change, it has to come from the person who needs to change. I want to change, but I have every excuse under the sun as to why I can't.

I genuinely feel that when I try to lose weight, a) i give in too easily and b) DH is negative about it because he uses all the previous times as proof that I am not going to do it. He has perfectly valid suggestions on how to do it, but if I want to do it my way he is quick to point out how and why it won't work...

The positive things he says are drowned out by the negative. And then he is upset I don't remember the positive things he says.

I hate my situation but I have no willpower to change it in any way at the moment.

OP posts:
Seeleyboo · 02/07/2019 19:07

OP. Why should you change. He's very insensitive to say what he said and as best you can you should ignore those words but please do not change because of him. If you're happy in general with yourself even if a little overweight then you have richness in life. It him you need to dump. All multiple stones of him.

Pringlemunchers · 02/07/2019 19:11

How is the rest of the relationship. Do you think he is interested in someone else ? Putting you down and fluffing to his own feathers , for an ego boost ?

RedSheep73 · 02/07/2019 19:13

Poor you. I would have told him to piss right off!

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