All my life I have been a victim. Unpleasant stuff has happened to me throughout almost my whole life, to the point where I now expect ‘the bad’ to happen, and live my life in fear of it.
As a child, I was ostracised and bullied. This continued through my teens, when I was also sexually abused by a family member.
I’ve had very few boyfriends, relationships always brief and ending badly.
I’ve struggled in the workplace and experienced workplace bullying in all previous jobs. I now work freelance from home, but am terrified of human contact in case the same repeats. I avoid contact with my neighbours.
I am aware I now come off as rude and defensive through my fears taking over. I was diagnosed with autism a couple of years ago. I now understand that this is what made my life so difficult and that I was vulnerable to bullying and abuse by other people.
Since then, I’ve been able to build my life a little, but I can’t shake my victim mentality. And I need to. It’s ruling my life and that of my son.
I’m afraid of life and would rather disengage than be treated badly. I don’t want to pass these fears onto my son. He has ASD too and has his own anxieties.
I’ve had more therapy than I can recount with very little success.
How do I shake this?