To ask dc's dad to take DC for the day?

[LuannC]

And possibly overnight too.
We are separated. But still have 'family' time over the weekend for sake of kids.
I work a 40hour week and my commute each way is about 40mins. On my day off during the week I have both dc. One of DC lives with their dad, and the day I have off, he often works (that's why I have both on my day off) 'family' time on weekend can be frustarating because most of the time its me looking after them, playing & helping them, making their food & of course cleaning up after them.
I love my DC dearly but I really do not get a day off I work in childcare too so I am always around children. I want to see friends who I havent actually seen in over 5 years!!!

If he'll look after them then of course, why wouldn't you?

So you have two children, one living with you and one living with your Ex. You work 4 days a week, and look after both kids on the 5th week day? At weekends you often look after both kids too?

Have I got that right? Why do you end up looking after both kids most weekends? If you're doing 50:50 parenting, you need to split that with your Ex.

Apologies @LannieDuck both DC will stay with me Friday night and their dad will pick us all up on on Saturday morning/afternoon to have this family time together. Sometimes I have stayed over his on sat night with kids as quite a distance between houses and so we can spend Sunday morning as a family together too. Easier if kids have fallen asleep and commute is quite long via public transport (I dont drive)
In theory Mr and him are looking after DC on weekend but feels like it is just me because he often pops out to run errands, falls asleep or just sits in front of TV whilst DC play...

Honestly, I'd be dropping those weekend arrangements and just having EOW with both kids, that sounds knackering and liable to be really confusing for the kids. And that way you'll actually get some time to yourself

Doesn't sound health tbh. You're not a family anymore so doing that every week is a bit much. How will you both move on? I'd get something more perminent in place. Set days (for example you have both children Friday night, him Saturday night).

This is a weird set up. As PP said, you're not a family in that sense anymore and your ExH is taking you for a mug by basically being his DW (without the benefits!) and running around after everyone. Probably works well for him as it also prevents you actually moving on and potentially meeting someone new. I'd suggest going EOW with the kids and building a life for yourself away from the ex. You dont want to be negotiating this arrangement when you actually have a new potential partner in your life.

Get rid of “family time”. Just have the DC going to him every other weekend.

Advice taken on board! @JagerPlease @redcupbluecup @Whatevs325 suppose the ex is controlling and somewhat a narcissist. Don't get me wrong, a great dad when he is being a dad, but I'm running round him after him as such.

Another one who thinks you need to move to EOW so he has to step up and parent both. As it is, you're parenting both and he's parenting the one who lives with him

Why are you running around after him? He is still being controlling, just in a different way.

This is the most bizarre set up . You need to separate and yes time with no children in a separation is normal

How old are the children in this ? Why don’t they both live together

The family time would end if one or both of you found a new partner and that would be quite upsetting for your kids after having it established for quite some time. It would also inevitably make them feel as though your/his new partner was to blame.

They sound young still so far healthier to do eow now I would think.

I've been here and it doesn't work. We continued 'family time' for almost 3 years and I didn't realise how much it was preventing me from moving on. I thought we were being mature and doing what was best for dc. And then he moved on. Very suddenly without any warning and both me and dc were devastated. Even if you have no romantic feelings towards this man, you're still essentially in a relationship, albeit a highly dysfunctional one.

Please move on for all your sakes x

This is a wierd set-up op.

You are essentially just working around him but it's highly disfunctional, it will be confusing for DC's in the long term.

You are trying to run around and provide "family time" but either you're together or you're not. If you are not, you need to set up clear boundaries for your sake and the wellbeing of the children. Any practical or logistics problems that it causes are NOT your problem to work out.

Youneed toget proper care arrangements in place, legally defined.

That will include which days he's responsible for them (again, if something comes up on his days , that's his problem to fix). Where he cares for them. How they get there. and so on.

Stop trying to pretend you're still a nuclear family, he's not pulling his weight and I cannot emphasize how damaging this setup will be if your DC are old enough to perceive how unfair it all is. It's not modelling healthy relationships with clear boundaries at all.

Forgot to add

I find the title of this post odd too.

"Asking" the dad to look after DC's on his contact days??! This man has done a real job on you op.
You should be letting him pick them up, off they go, and he returns them at the agreed time. Whatever has been agreed legally, in the best interest of the children.
At the moment you're doing childcare on his contact days. Don't you realise how not normal that is?

Firstly it’s weird asking your ex to mine his children. Secondly, this is the joys of being a parent, you parent 7 days a week, we don’t get days off.