Overreacting or bu?

[Wejustdontknow]

Yesterday me, dp and 2 ds’s went to the pub for the afternoon with 2 other couples.
Dp went in rounds for drinks with the 2 other men. When it was his round he would go to the bar and buy 3 pints. Both other men would ask if anyone else wanted a drink when it was their round. For five hours dp only bought his own drinks and I had to go to the bar for my own and the kids drinks. I don’t mind buying my own drinks but it was the lack of even asking that I just felt was really disrespectful to me. One of the couples have recently split up and her ex still had the manners to offer her a drink each time he got up.
At 12 I bought the kids a sandwich each for lunch and as we were still out at 5 I said he should order them some dinner, he had drank quite a lot by this point which is not something he normally does and he said quite loudly that they didn’t need to eat again as we only have one meal on a Sunday, this is true when at home as we would have a large Sunday roast around 2:30 then just a snack later if we felt hungry but as they had only had sandwiches for lunch they definitely needed a dinner.
I had had enough by this point so took the kids home for dinner leaving dp in the pub. I heard him come home at 9pm and throw up in the kitchen sink. He didn’t come to bed and slept on the sofa.
This morning I expected him to apologise, I honestly thought he had acted like he was a single man out with his mates rather than with his partner and kids but instead we have spent the whole day in silence.
AIBU in thinking he was rude to me or did I overreact by coming home with the kids and leaving him at the pub?

I have to agree who sits in a pub all day with their kids and a bunch of adults drinking it's something my ex used to do.

Surely family days should be out with family doing things than in a pub. He obviously wanted to stay and get drunk I think you both had different expectations.

Absolutely nothing wrong with an afternoon in a family friendly pub. There is a lot wrong with going to the bar and not offering your partner a drink, let alone your kids. But then separate finances when you have kids - doesn’t really make sense, does it?

Maybe just sit him down and say calmly -

“DP I have to tell you and make no mistake about this - your behaviour yesterday exposed you as an embarrassment - to your children, to me and to yourself. You acted as if we didn’t exist. What kind of man does not see that his partner and children have what they need before ordering his own drinks? The shame. and don’t think other people present didn’t see you for what you are - a tight, selfish git. Fool! How ignorant can you get. I am livid. I don’t know why I’m with you. I don’t want you in the bed. Go away from me as I have nothing further to say...”

Or something along those lines...

Seriously, why are you with this man?

The finances have never been an issue before, it all works out through the month and we share the bills they just happen to come out of a bank that’s in my name only. I was genuinely questioning it though and am glad to see the majority agree it’s not good behavior. We both had the day off work today and have spent it doing different things and haven’t spoken unless it was something about the kids that was needed. We normally get on very well and hardly ever disagree but I am unsure where to go from here as honestly felt like he was really disrespectful to me and doesn’t even realise

The only reason I haven’t said anything to him is because I feel that I will get emotional and cry which I don’t want to do as I want to make him see exactly why he was in the wrong
I like your response @Pa1oma and will definitely say something along those lines when I do talk to him

Yes I think you’ll have to confront him OP. Tell him his behaviour yesterday was a watershed moment. The wool has fallen from your eyes and that’s that. He’ll try and minimise no doubt, but don’t back down and tell him you need clear evidence that he’s prepared to change his ways before you can envisage any future with him.

Well he was a complete twat. I hate adults getting trashed in so called kid friendly pubs even if kids are playing. Wrong wrong wrong

You took your kids to a pub for the whole day?

There is no way I would sit in a pub all day with my DH and him not buy me a drink. He should buy yours first. He should ask what you want before anyone else.
I still don’t think I understand what your saying. Who bought the others couples drinks if the men just bought their own?
I know I’m old fashioned but he would not buy me a drink once I would walk out.
Went in a whip with the men? I don’t get it

Could I ask what was his behaviour like just before you two went to the pub? It is very rude to ignore you and his kids. Did this kids have empty glasses?

I speak from experience when I say sitting in the pub for hours on end as a kid is as bad as it gets!! Even if there is an outdoor play area or toys etc it’s not a child friendly environment. I don’t believe children should be exposed to drunk people.

Also I’ve been with my husband for 11 years (married for two), we have separate finances. If we go out for the evening like we did on Saturday we each take out say £50, he pops it in his wallet and he does the trips to the bar! In the morning he gives me half of the remaining money. I think your husband was really disrespectful to you and the children!

We took the kids to the pub from lunchtime, I know peoples opinions will differ on whether kids should be at pubs but I really don’t want to debate that if that’s ok. The kids had fun and it is a very rare occurrence as not something we would normally do. Whilst I was there with the kids no one was drunk, it was a group of friends having food and drink. There where essential three couples although one of the couples have recently split but are still friendly as they have children together. Out of the group we all have a child each who play on the same football team, they had played a match in the morning then we had all gone home to get changed and met at the pub for lunch. All the women were not drinking as fasts as the men so didn’t have a drink every round, one was driving so only having pop and I don’t really drink so only had one every so often. The men from the other couples would ask if anyone wanted a drink when getting up, my dp as far as I am aware didn’t offer anyone else a drink except the men as they were going in rounds, he may have asked the other women if they wanted one but I am not sure but he certainly never asked me and never bought the kids except the first one when we arrived. I bought them lunch and when I suggested he order them some dinner as they had said they were getting hungry he started on a speech how they only ever have one meal on a Sunday so didn’t need to eat again as wouldn’t normally, the difference being they had only had a light lunch so needed a proper dinner when we would usually be at home and I would cook a roast dinner around 2.30
There were times we would all have empty glasses, he would still go to the bar without asking if we wanted anything. I am just very disappointed with him and embarrassed as I am sure our friends will have noticed his behavior

When we left at 5 he was quite clearly what I would call merry, I wouldn’t say anyone was drunk but he had enough that by the time I heard him come in at 9pm he had to throw up

For those asking how the drinks worked, the three men would take it in turns going to the bar and would buy 3 pints each time, one for each of the men. Two of the men would ask if anyone else wanted anything when going but my dp would not ask anyone else just buy the 3 pints each time.
I basically bought my own and he kids all day as I wasn’t going to let one of the other men buy us drinks when my dp wasn’t offering me or anyone else drinks so when they asked if I wanted anything I would say no thanks. My partner would be at the bar every third round.
Hope that makes sense

how many times could your dh have offered you drinks and didnt?

Your "partner" if you could call him that, is selfish and rude by the sounds of it, good for you that you took the kids home. I would deffo raise this issue with him.

Not really sure that saying 'Fool!' is entirely the best way to address this. I'd go more for 'Did you not realise just how rude you were to me & the DC yesterday? Not just in the pub when you were only interested in your own drinks, but how you behaved afterwards? I'm not accusing you, but it made me feel I'm genuinely hurt & disappointed at your lack of consideration.'

I know this is MN, so I should be saying LTB, but relationships are a bit more complex than words on a screen. If things are usually good, this is something to address, deal with & then write off. It does sound a bit shitty, but we all have those times

OP, do you not find it concerning that you spent over 5 hours in a pub with your children and let them watch their father/father figure get drunk?

I understand pubs being child friendly but over 5 hours in such a place is awful for children and I sincerely hope this is not a frequent thing.

As for your partner, this is not something I would end a relationship over. However, he certainly was rude to not offer anything and disregard his family. Is this behaviour common? If so, perhaps you need to consider where exactly this relationship is going and what you both want from one another and in life.

I'm actually glad you left with the children when you did, the time they spent in there was ridiculous as it is.

Before you go off in anger, sit him down and discuss yesterday calmly and explain how it made you feel.

Feel sorry for the kids, all day in a pub with a drunken Dad.

I am not sure how many times he went to the bar, I know I went 6 times as I paid by card so can see them on my bank statements, I had two alcoholic drinks from that plus food and pop/drinks for the kids. I didn’t keep track of when he went.
I have said it before but will repeat he was 100% not drunk whilst we were at the pub but was a little merry when we left. It was not the kids sat at a table watching grown ups drink, they were playing games and having fun and interacting with kids and grown ups alike. Not everyone’s scene but certainly nothing damaging to them and if asked I know they would say they had a great afternoon with their friends so that is really not an issue to me. My concern was whether I was right in feeling disrespected in not being offered a drink by my dp in the time we were out.
I am not planning to ltb by any means but it has opened my eyes to the fact that he was very much in the wrong and that to move forward I need him to understand that which hopefully he will. If he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour I am not sure yet how I will handle that.

He sound awful OP

Unlike a few posters on here, I see nothing wrong with going to a family friendly pub with the kids to meet other couples with kids. I used to do it with mine occasionally and they loved it.

Slight change in subject but did you know that if all the bills and mortgage are paid from your account, your partner can't make a claim on the house when you kick his arse out ? (Assuming it's all in your name?)

I hope he has one hell of a screaming migraine today the selfish bastard!