Does my tween have a major screen addiction Problem ?

[Pikapikachooo]

Hi. There are some issues at home which are very slowly getting surfaced . I am also aware that kids use screen time to escape their issues . I also believe their dad is too strict and I am far too soft . However it’s got to the stage I don’t want to be around my DS as it’s so unpleasant . Examples

The minute I get through the door rifling though bag for my Phone

Incurring bills for games and not even apologising

Doesn’t really want to do anything else sadly

Any walk or activity means he begs for my phone to play on

Any refusal met with violent emotional
Sustained tantrums

Time together basically ruined by the screen time as either arguing about it or trying to get him off it

Wakes up early to go on it

Even after his weekend session wants more
Time

Refusal and reluctance to do proper
Homework , music Practice etc (even when he had had his ‘time’

He is very Troubled and unhappy
And Family Life is very fraught

But I am torn between thinking he is escaping from RL , to a real concern

I don’t know what to do

Thanks for any feedback or insight as am dealing with a lot of issues and not handling them all well

This sounds extremely concerning to me. How old is your DS?

How is he able to buy games without your permission? I have to put in a pin code/password before any purchases.

My 11 year old would play on these games all day. We have had to put extreme limits on it and stick to them. No screens before school. No screens until all homework/music practice completed. One hour screen time max per school night. 2 hours max Fri, Sat, Sun. With a timer. No exceptions. Consistency is often key.

Well, you start saying no. No, he can't help himself to your phone out of your handbag. No, he can't have more screen time after the limit. Whatever he's paid for in games, has to be paid back either out of his pocket money or by doing chores. I would be taking the phone away altogether for a while. He'll hate it and it will be hard, but it's clearly affecting his behaviour and emotions negatively. Without the phone, things will improved, though it may take a few weeks.

Then you can decide when and how much to let him return.

Sorry I also missed that there were problems at home - this will also be affecting his behaviour. What are the problems? How are they being dealt with? Does he have any emotional support? How is he at school?

School is OK but not really providing support which is a bit meh

I am just on a wired edge and not handling it well . I am shrieking too much which really doesn’t help

Ai ai ai

But I need to stop Placating him with screen time

That’s clear . It’s so sad how nothing else gives him joy .

Not sure I can help as DS uses screens far more than I would like but all devices he uses are completely shut down. I would stop him using your phone for a start. I have no games on my phone and DS doesn't know my unlock code so once we're out of the house there is no screen available to him. Try a kindle fire instead? Really easy to lock down & battery is rubbish enough that it won't work for more than a couple of hours at a time...

How old is he?

He needs a couple of weeks off - at least.
Completely off.

And his behaviour needs sanctions.

You need to say no. He shouldn't be able to whine his way to getting what he wants.

What do you mean when you say family problems?

Cold turkey him!

Yes. My DS (10yo) is the same and it massively concerns me. However he was also diagnosed with ADHD last year - non hyperactive. I have the same type and I wouldn't have thought of it in him except that I was diagnosed as an adult. Our family life is OK and he is otherwise happy - it is just the screen obsession - if I boil it down, it is not so much screens as it is instant gratification. If he has somebody's sustained attention and they are providing activities and so on for him the entire time, he's perfectly happy without screens but he will not entertain himself otherwise. And yes I have tried making him go long periods without access - it makes no difference. It has astonished me TBH as we have had a baby in the last year as well and the baby is more likely to occupy himself than DS1 is. That's not right, and it's opened my eyes to how dependent he is on external sources of entertainment I suppose. Because he's been an only child up until now it's been harder to see his behaviour comparatively.

Anyway we have cut his screen time right back to max 3 hours per day (includes all TV, phone, console, computer use), we are looking to encourage/reward healthy screen use, I'm cutting my own time back, making a conscious decision to demonstrate physical affection with him rather than following his lead (Boys of this age tend not to seek out hugs, kisses, touch - but they still really really need it), getting him involved in activities which aren't screen based, etc. And pursuing therapy and possibly medication for the ADHD, particularly now I've seen how it helps me. But I had to get myself to a point where I could objectively see his behaviour and observe it and make notes about what specifically I'm hoping for help with if that makes sense.

I am not sure about "screen addiction" as a thing per se, contrasted with the notion that many popular screen-related things, specifically Youtube, social media, and any game which involves microtransactions, which is most of them these days (Roblox, Fortnite being the most popular in this age group) are actively engineered to trigger the same kinds of brain responses as addictive substances, and they are designed quite aggressively in this way as their main audience, the group they want to keep coming back again and again and stay for as long as possible at a time are happy, well adjusted adults. Take any part of that away - an immature brain is more susceptible to this kind of thing, a person with not much to fall back on in terms of non-digital life is more susceptible, any kind of impairment to skills of focus or self control is more susceptible. If you have a person (child) with more than one of those factors going on for them they are extremely weak to this and it's not really fair to expect them to fight it alone without support.

It sounds like there are far more issues than the screen thing going on. When you say dad is more strict and you're more soft, family life is fraught, you're dealing with a lot of different issues - are we talking an aggressive/controlling man? Or is it that you're struggling with mental health/overload in general, and this is just one area it's spilling out into lack of control? It sounds to me like this is part of a bigger, more complicated puzzle and perhaps you're looking at the screen issue as something seemingly easy (hahaha) to solve because the wider picture is much more difficult?

Bertie botts thanks for that , you are very insightful
And everyone
Turning phone off and will revert

I am astonished that BertieBots has “cut screen time right back” to three hours per day. To me that is a huge amount of time.

I would suggest you go cold turkey permanently. There’s no need for screens and some kids can’t cope with constantly wondering when they will get it next. Say no. Be strong. It’s an addiction but at this time it’s one you have control over even if he doesn’t.

Good luck.

@whywhywhy6 It depends what it's used for. Half an hour of homework/research/educational games for example would take a chunk of that screen time up. Then one film or a couple of episodes of his favourite tv programme and that's another hour or two. Maybe viewing tv with the family too. It may not all be gaming.

Screens are the curse of modern parenting. You are not alone op. It's so hard. Get an app on your phone like family time so you can limit time.

Yep. Well. Before we cut it down he was on it from waking until the hour before bedtime sometimes 12 hours. Ridiculous, yes, absolutely. So we cut it down first to 6 (which wasn't enough) and eventually to 3. All the various devices have trackers on them so we know exactly how much he's using and what he's doing on it. You are very welcome to come and try occupying him for the other 10 hours he's awake if you like :o

That includes ALL screen time so TV, Whatsapp, games like Pokemon Go which get them active. I can't really imagine that any child in 2019 really lives on 30 minutes (or whatever) of screen time of ANY kind per day? It's not even enough to get into anything if you're talking proper gaming, either. I think people separate out computer/ipad/gaming type things and forget to count hours spent in front of CBBC or whatever. Certainly when I was a child we tended to come straight home from TV and watch all of the children's programmes until about 6.30, so not very much different. Also, if you do not track it it is very easy to lose count. Sometimes if we take the limit off temporarily or forget to add up over the different devices we can be surprised to realise that the total time is about twice or more what we estimated. So this works for us.

I track my own screen time and my average is between 6-8 hours a day, so it would be hugely hypocritical to expect him not to use screens at all!

I don't recommend FamilyTime. Their app stopped working and they still charged us. If on Android, Google have their own software called Google Family Link which is free and works better.

I think it’s more his unhappiness than the screen time is the issue . Have been super calm and turned everything off and read with boys before bed .
I actually got him a (revamped ) iphone today . Which his dad won’t like . But he is leaving school , leaving his mates and starting secondary and he was desperate to get his friends contacts . Despite some bad behaviour it feels cruel to not deliver what’s been promised

I think short term more discipline is needed but also need to manage expectations

I agree Bettie with pretty much everything you say ! They used to watch a tv 📺 now they watch another thing

It does make me sad and I have to hope
He and they all got bored and grow out of a bit ? Please 🙏

No, TBH, I am really pushing to deal with it now because honestly my fear is (and I don't think this is irrational) if they don't develop the skills to get out of this instant gratification loop now, in just a few short years weed, nicotine and alcohol (or worse) will come in to fill that space very easily. Particularly with how much weed is glamourised in online/"gamer" culture. It's much easier for young teens to hide vaping than it ever was for smoking and I'm uneasily aware that some children at my own school started smoking aged 11. And I really don't want to end up down that road. Dabbling, fine - using it to achieve the same instant gratification and ignore that "I'm bored" feeling - dangerous. So big game plan time really, should have done it earlier, but not too late at 10/11. Using the change to secondary (we are abroad hence change now) as a big pivotal thing. We're doing a lot of talking about the future at the moment - hopes, dreams. He wants a flash car and a house with a pool so I've said OK - why not - at this age, the potential is all still there, and he's a bright boy, he totally has it in his reach to do well but he will need to grow up a bit and develop some skills - patience, grit, hard work. I saw a MN thread a couple of years ago where a poster had decided their ideal lifestyle, costed it out, then used that as a starting point to aim for jobs which would enable that, which I thought was a really different way to go about it, different to the "What's your dream job" kind of approach my generation had, different to the "What are your skills/class/gender suited to?" of my parents' and grandparents' generation.

I don't think you can be passive about it, this is the last big chance. Once they are 13+ you essentially have to ride the wave which is set in motion. So a multi pronged approach:

Limit/monitor screen and device use/activity. There are apps for everything that can track time spent. Let him be bored. It's important.

Talk about device use - acknowledge the positives of it but point out the negatives too. Encourage a dialogue and back and forth thinking about this. Be willing to accept some things he shows you are useful or beneficial to him. At the same time explain to him about the models they use to keep you coming back or glued to it or wanting to spend money. No different than talking about how advertising isn't always true.

Encourage/emphasise/bribe/force if you have to, both social connection outside of school (v useful to act as a "bridge" between schools or bounce between when adolescence causes social friction within one group) and any kind of hobby/interest not tied to a screen - music is good. Or sports/activity, creativity, making stuff.

Set big changes in motion - what's making him unhappy? Why is family life unsettled? Serious, tough, honest chat with self about that. Any underlying issues suspected - anxiety, depression? Anything along the lines of ASD/ADD - private assessment if necessary. IMO you no longer have the 2 years the NHS waiting list dictates.

Model what you want to see - make healthy changes to your own life, lifestyle, situation, mental health. Talk about it so he sees what you are doing.

Encorage/focus on the skill of delayed gratification and persistence, in whichever form it takes. For example we are also focusing on motivating him/helping him develop strategies to save money rather than spend immediately. Future goals etc can come here.